Breathless
by Sirrocco
Summary: Commander Rachel Shepard and Doctor Liara T'Soni won't get back everything they lose, but if they're lucky, they will get each other. Set at the end of ME3 and not strictly canon.
1. Bright Dog

**Bright Dog**

from May Swenson's _Question_

_Body my house  
My horse my hound  
What will I do  
When you are fallen...  
When Body my good  
Bright dog is dead_

* * *

"Hey, Jefe, think fast," yelled James as he tossed a Cerberus turret top at Javik like a Frisbee before jumping into the shuttle. Javik knocked it down with his biotics, glowering. Shepard could just make out some Prothean curses, thanks to the Cipher, in Javik's response. She shook her head at James' continuing awkward attempts to bond with him.

"You see that, Estaban?" James shouted as he jumped into the hovering shuttle. "I told you his biotics are green."

"Vega, you don't know what's good for you," Steve responded. "I'd show anyone more than 50,000 years old, used to ruling the world and able to use biotics of any color more respect."

"Yeah, James," Shepard added, "you're lucky he didn't do what he just said he wanted to do to you." With a last look around the comm. facility, Shepard lowered her gun and turned to follow Javik to the waiting shuttle.

"And what was that, Lola?" James responded with a grin. "Hey, do you think Protheans can dance?"

Javik turned to face her, still steps from the shuttle, and crossed his arms over his chest. With his head cocked to the side and his grimace, he was the very picture of disdain. "In my time, we killed people for such insubordination."

"Save it for the Reapers," Shepard said as she sauntered toward the shuttle. Unit cohesion among her crew members still had rough edges, but it was coming together. Missions like this, where they saw and relied on each other's abilities, helped. She was pretty sure Javik's last comment had been a joke. "That was good work, every…" Her sentence ended in a grunt as several things happened at once.

She heard a sound behind her and spun in its direction as a blade sliced through her. The speed and force of the blow knocked the breath out of her as the blade punched through her armor, ribs and abdomen until the hilt slammed against her right side. Shepard's right hand automatically clamped down on the hilt and the hand holding it as a phantom decloaked inches in front of her. _How had she not heard her?_

Everything narrowed and slowed. She folded around the blade. Electricity crackled blue before her eyes. It danced over her hand and armor. Current surged up her spine, swept across her face. The taste of copper filled her mouth. She fought the urge to cough.

"Commander!" shouted Javik, his eyes widened, witnessing the attack. He started for her. At his shout, James turned from talking with Cortez. "Oh shit!"

The phantom's eye coverings glowed red. They stood nose-to-nose. Shepard noted how slender the phantom was, how delicate. Then the phantom crouched low, pulling down on the hilt. Shepard resisted, not letting the phantom twist or remove the blade. With her free hand she grabbed the woman's mask.

James jumped out of the shuttle and hit the ground running, his assault rifle raised. Javik equipped his pulse rifle, stopped and dropped to one knee, taking aim.

Shepard couldn't breath. The phantom struggled. Shepard exploded a biotic pulse into the agent's mask. The hand on the hilt pulled outward as the phantom's body jerked back. Then the phantom dropped lifeless, her weight dragging down on it, changing its angle. Stars swam in front of Shepard. She fell to her knees. She couldn't breath. EDI's voice came over the comm., "Commander Shepard? Commander Shepard! What's happening?"

The green beam of Javik's rifle resonated across the space, drilling into the phantom's body as it swung to Shepard's right. The phantom fell to the metal platform as Shepard released her hold to catch herself from falling forward. "Oh shit!," James repeated as he continued to run toward her. "Oh shit!" as he watched her crumple, saw a hilt protruding from her right side, the end of a blade from her other. He shipped his rifle as he saw the phantom fall.

* * *

On board the Normandy, Dr. Chakwas sprang to her feet. She always monitored the away team's hardsuit readouts, and Shepard's screen had just flashed critical, with vitals dropping. EDI's voice came over the comm., "Doctor, we have an emergency…." Her voice held a high pitch. "Shepard's not responding!" In the background, Chakwas could hear Joker saying, "Shit, shit, shit, shit, no; this isn't happening!"

"Remain calm," Chakwas ordered. "Shepard's a marine. She's tough. She'll be fine. Just get her to me. Now." Beside her, the monitor blinked from yellow to orange then red. "EDI, the sitrep, STAT!" she ordered.

* * *

James reached Shepard first, as Javik got to his feet. "Shepard!" James shouted as he grabbed her shoulders and propped her torso up to a kneel. Her eyes rolled back, then her head. He shook her. "Stay with us!"

Everything spun and swam. James' face. The rumble of his voice. She felt dizzy. Deep cold pooled around her, pressed in on her. Her suit's oxygen must have failed, again. She spun in space.

Javik pushed James aside and swept Shepard up in his arms, one arm under her arms and another under her knees, the hilt scraping under his left arm as he lifted her. He held her against him and turned and ran for the shuttle. James followed. EDI's voice broadcast over all away team coms, "Away team, Doctor Chakwas has ordered that Commander Shepard be returned to the Normandy immediately. We need a sitrep. Report!"

* * *

In the CIC, Samantha froze in place, recognizing EDI's distress, hearing the cries from the away team and no sound from the Commander in the communication feeds. She turned and ran for the elevator.

* * *

Javik jumped onto the shuttle, James at his heels, and they lifted off before the shuttle door closed. Javik sat, cradling Shepard in his arms, looking down at her, her head lolled back, eyes closed, face still and pale, lips blue.

"She's not breathing," James cried.

"She's in shock," Javik stated. Without shifting how he was holding her, he lifted a hand to touch her face.

"In shock from what?" EDI asked over the comms. "Lieutenant Vega!" she shouted when no one replied. "What has happened to the Commander? Report!"

Shepard felt a pulse flow through her. She gasped. "It is not your time, Commander," she heard Javik say. "You keep breathing, Lola," She recognized James' voice, "I'm not losing another CO!" A heavy weight crushed her chest. _Why didn't they remove it?_ With an effort, she opened her eyes.

"Are all humans so weak?" Javik asked, looking down at her. He seemed too close. It was hard to focus on him.

"I can't tell what's wrong, EDI," Steve said, "but we are inbound. ETA 15 minutes."

"That's too long, Estaban," James shouted.

Shepard felt a flare of anger at Javik's question, closed her eyes, and smiled. He was prompting her fight or flight reaction. _Good, _she thought. She knew she had to stay awake. Even shallow breaths burned. The urge to cough was strong. She resisted. "I don't know," she whispered, breath hitching. "Are all … Protheans … so insufferable?"

"Shepard?!" EDI shouted in her comm.

"Yes," Javik replied, and the arms around her tightened. Shepard gasped. She tried to move. Cold constricted her. "Why ... is everyone … so loud, … close?" She tried to focus on Javik's face. "you … hugging me?"

"No human, I am holding you."

Shepard whispered. "Tell Liara…. I'll … write a book … _Cuddling with_ … _Protheans_." Then the shuttle's shaking knocked the hilt against Javik and she groaned. She closed her eyes.

"You blushing, Lola?" James teased, but Shepard didn't hear. She was out again.

"Will _somebody_ please answer EDI?" Steve yelled.

"Shepard took a sword through the gut from a phantom after we thought the base was cleared," James answered. "It's still in her. She was having trouble breathing and then passed out."

"Shit," said Steve.

* * *

"Doctor T'Soni, I have been following the away team's communications and hardsuit readouts as requested, and you may want to access and review them now." When Glyph spoke, Liara looked up from her monitor. She rubbed her hand over her face at the interruption. "Thank you, Glyph, please load the feeds on this monitor." A few seconds later, Liara jumped up from her desk, looked around the room, walked toward the shelves by her bed, then turned and headed for the door. She stepped out into the mess and looked across to the medbay. Doctor Chakwas was standing, bent over her instrument drawers, pulling items out and placing them on a tray.

Liara entered the medbay. "Doctor Chakwas…"

Karin looked up.

EDI's voice came over the comm. "Doctor, Lieutenant Vega reports that Shepard has been stabbed by a phantom, and the sword is still in her. She can't breathe."

"Tell me how I can help," Liara said, appearing calm.

"Liara, this is a surgical matter. I don't think you can assist given your lack of surgical expertise. I appreciate the offer, but it would be best to wait outside." The monitor flashed and beeped as Shepard's blood pressure dropped further, and again to indicate her loss of consciousness. Liara stared at it. "Liara—out," Karin herded Liara to the door.

"Karin, you will need my help to remove Shepard's armor," Liara said before the medbay door closed. "She is wearing the custom-made suit the Krogan gave her after she helped cure the genophage. It's the silver one emblazoned with the Thresher Maw in red across it." Shepard had loved that gift. The suit was perfect for the biotic charges and novas she favored, and the idea of being compared to a thresher maw had appealed to her, especially, she had said, if it reminded the Reapers of their vulnerability. Liara thought that it should, especially after Rannoch. Since Shepard had taken on the Reaper there, even before that, when she had gotten in the habit of charging Brutes as well as turrets, much to the awe and amusement of the crew, Liara had begun to believe nothing could stop her. Until Thessia. Liara frowned. That one of Kai Leng's minions had managed to stab Shepard…. Liara feared Kai Leng. She had seen him stab Thane. She had been afraid he'd kill Shepard, since swords could get through her impressive barriers. That's why Liara had tried to stand between the two of them on Thessia. But Shepard had yelled at her for that, and reassured her that armor, which Thane had lacked, would keep out blades. _What had happened? _All she knew was that she needed to touch Shepard, needed to feel her alive. "I don't think anyone else besides Shepard and I know how to remove it," Liara explained. Doctor Chakwas raised an eyebrow, but Liara didn't blush. "It has well-hidden clasps, and it is tricky to remove."

"Ok, Liara, but if you insist on staying, I insist on you taking this," Karin reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out a flat yellow tablet sealed in a clear plastic wrapper. "It's a mild sedative. It won't slow you down, but it will help you handle seeing someone you care about injured."

"You care about her too, and you do fine," Liara protested, but she took and swallowed the pill.

"Ah, yes, but I'm a trauma surgeon and a friend, not her lover," Karin said softly, "her bondmate." When Liara looked confused, Karin continued, "You didn't think the crew was unaware, did you? Or that we'd missed the proposal or the kiss on the Presidium? It made quite a splash in the Citadel news vids. It is lovely to see something so beautiful bloom in the midst of all this war and death. It reminds us of what we're fighting for and what there is to celebrate." Karin stopped prepping for a second to look Liara in the eye. "I'll do everything in my power. I owe her my life." Liara nodded, brushing a hand over her forehead, and took a deep breath.

* * *

Up on the bridge, Samantha paced behind Joker and EDI, listening to the away team comm.s and wringing her fingers. She was not used to combat. She had thought Shepard invulnerable, invincible. The woman came back from mission after mission with apparently no wounds, just perfect skin and teeth and curves and … no, she just couldn't believe Shepard could be hurt, or what she or any of the crew would do if….

"Shuttle pilot Cortez, be advised, the Normandy is coming to you. Meeting point coordinates updated. Rendezvous in 3 minutes," EDI announced. Joker dialed over the controls and sped the ship toward the approaching shuttle. They'd "shorten the road" for the Commander.

* * *

As soon as the shuttle docked, Javik marched across the bay to the elevator. The crew on deck gawked at the sight of Shepard being carried, unconscious, in the Prothean's arms. A sword blade protruded from her side and glinted beneath the lights. The yellow hilt only Javik could feel, pressed against his side and Shepard's. Javik could also sense her fading, knew that she was bleeding internally, that blood and air from her punctured lung filled her chest, crushing the air out of her other lung. If Samantha and EDI had not been there to keep the crew out of his way when the doors opened on the mess hall, he would not have hesitated to clear the path with his biotics.

News that Commander Shepard had been injured spread rapidly through the ship. Garrus, Tali and Kaidan joined James, Steve, EDI and Samantha outside the medbay as Javik strode into it. They watched Javik place the Commander on the surgery bed, then step back and talk to Doctor Chakwas as she examined the blade's entry and exit. They saw Liara fumble with the chestplate, trying to remove it. Then Doctor Chakwas turned the windows opaque. Garrus suggested that they await the outcome in the lounge, but Tali said she preferred the mess. Kaidan, as XO, had other duties. He headed for the war room. He had to contact Hackett and Anderson, let them know what was happening. They were not going to be happy. He'd get the crew back to work after. On his way, he had EDI lock Allers in her room. This was not a story they could afford to have leak.

* * *

Doctor Chakwas used the bed's monitors to scan Shepard. She saw Liara's fingers fail to function properly and laid a hand over one of hers on the chestplate, stopping her. "I have to remove the blade first, and then it's going to be very important to get her armor off as quickly as possible." Doctor Chakwas looked grim. "Can you tell Javik how to help you?" Liara nodded and swallowed. "Good." Chakwas picked up a small rod that glowed red with heat. "Javik, what did you do to the Commander on the shuttle?" As she spoke, she placed the rod against the protruding blade. Liara paled at the smell of burning flesh and turned away.

"I spoke to her, Prothean to Prothean."

"You … what?"

Looking at the array of medical equipment, Javik sneered. "You are such primitives! Human, I restored her biorhythms with my touch." He glowered, crossing his arms in front of him. "In my time everyone could do it. I will stay in case she needs my help again," he announced.

Doctor Chakwas scowled, nonplussed. Liara, more accustomed to his manner, felt her anger at him strengthen her nerves. She took a deep breath and turning back to Shepard's inert form, spoke, "That sounds very useful. Thank you, Javik. If you would come here, I will show you how to help with her armor." A few minutes later, she spoke again, "Doctor, I suggest that I encase the blade in a biotic field so that it can do no damage as you pull it out." Karin nodded, and grasped the hilt. "On my mark, three, two, one…." Chakwas said.


	2. Clear Water

**Clear Water****  
**

from Stanley Kunitz's _King of the River_**  
**

_If the water were clear enough,  
if the water were still...  
you would see yourself,  
slipped out of your skin..._

* * *

Shepard woke to the familiar darkness of her own cabin. She was propped up slightly on pillows. When she tried to sit up further, she dizzied and pain took her breath away. A soft chime sounded, and she felt movement beside her.

"Rachel?" She recognized that sleepy voice. She knew only one person who would call her by that name, one person who would be sleeping beside her. "Are you okay?

"Liara," she whispered. It hurt to breathe or speak. Her throat felt raw and swollen and her abdomen ached.

"Don't try to talk yet," came the voice she loved so much. "We had to intubate you. Let me get you some water." She felt Liara turn away and closed her eyes. Then she felt Liara's lips on her cheek as Liara pressed a glass into her hand.

She sipped from it gratefully until she had finished it, then Liara took it and set it down on the bedside table.

"Are you in pain?" Liara asked.

"I'm fine," Rachel tried to sound convincing. Her voice sounded rough. She felt like crap. Her head, throat and sides ached and burned. She remembered the phantom, the sword. She felt sick to her stomach. "Is everyone ok?"

"You were the only one hurt," Liara stroked her cheek before reaching to turn on the bedside light. "Rachel?"

She opened her eyes and saw Liara looking at her. Liara's forehead wrinkled the way it did when she was worried, and Rachel guessed from the shadows under her eyes that she hadn't slept well lately. _How long have I been out? _she wondered. "I just ache," she finally said, her eyes on the asari beside her, taking in the sight of her. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Liara in anything but armor.

"Me too," Liara replied simply, touching her cheek. Then Liara gave that small, sweet smile she had when it was just the two of them, took Rachel's hand and held it up to her lips, kissing it lightly and lingeringly.

Rachel felt endorphins flooding her at the contact and at the proximity and warmth of the asari. She actually did feel less pain. She gave the small, contented smile she had when it was just the two of them, the smile that made her seem to glow with happiness.

Liara looked at her pale face and smile and sighed. Intertwining their fingers, she reclined beside her, relieved. She carefully shifted so that their shoulders and arms were touching. The contact soothed them both.

"What did Doctor Chakwas say?" Rachel inquired, squinting as she braced for the anticipated bad news. She knew she had been badly hurt.

"Off-duty bedrest for another 3 days, light duty for 3 days after, then resume regular." Liara replied, tensing as she braced for the anticipated protests. She knew Rachel hated limitations, and the timing was … difficult. "It would be longer, but she believes your nanites will greatly speed the healing process." She turned toward her, "Shepard, you've been out for three days," she explained. "It was close, too close."

Rachel rubbed her thumb over Liara's palm, acknowledging her statement before speaking. "I'm alright. I can't just lie here while … planets burn," Rachel said, her voice gravelly. "We need to … follow up on Traynor's lead, … trace Kai Leng, … find the Catalyst…" She started to stir. "Two weeks may be too late."

Having this conversation now, Liara decided, would be counterproductive. Breathing was clearly still difficult for Rachel, so keeping talking to a minimum was important. Yes, this was her main motive, she told herself, as she sat up and then moved her leg over Rachel to straddle her, careful not to touch her torso.

Rachel stopped talking when Liara's hands held her cheeks, then stroked back into her hair, tilting her head back. Then Rachel's attention was entirely taken up by the soft lips pressing against hers. Pleasure flooded her. It had been so long. Her hands drifted up the asari's body.

Liara gasped softly and broke the kiss. "We need you at 100%," she managed, reaching down to capture Rachel's hands. "I … need you at 100%." Her deliberate echo of Shepard's statement to Kaidan held far less innocent intent. Rachel could feel her pulse racing. Liara pressed her lips against Rachel's once more, preparing to shift back beside her, but Rachel's mouth opened beneath hers and it weakened her intent. She let herself dissolve into the kiss. It had been so long. Her tongue explored Rachel's mouth until she felt Rachel falter, and she withdrew with a pang of guilt.

"You need me?" Rachel husked, after she had caught her breath, her face flushed and her pupils dilated.

_Goddess, yes_, Liara thought, looking down at her. It was all she could do to keep from saying it like that. "Yes, but…" Liara said instead, as she reluctantly pulled back, her hands on Rachel's shoulders.

When Rachel tried to follow despite the gently restraining hands, the movement sent pain ripping through her. She gasped and clutched her heavily bandaged side. "Ow," she whispered after she caught her breath.

"You need to heal," Liara spoke into the aching silence as she shifted back beside her, then took Rachel's arm and stroked the inside of it for a few minutes. "I'm sorry." The touch helped relax Rachel, dissolving somewhat both the pain in her side and some of the tension. "Sleep. I'll be here when you wake."

Rachel nodded, already in much less pain, and Liara turned to switch off the light. Weak and exhausted, Rachel drifted off. It took Liara much longer.

* * *

Thanks mostly to sedatives from Doctor Chakwas, Shepard managed to get 2 days of bedrest under Liara's supervision before she started getting restless. Select crew members were allowed short visits, and the mood of the ship improved, while Shepard's worsened. Garrus teased her for letting the phantom get the drop on her. James apologized. Tali offered to get her armor repaired. Joker and EDI brought her porn. Steve gave her a bottle of her favorite drink, "to dull the pain." Traynor kept her inundated with datapads. (Liara confiscated them, "for later.") Kaidan filled her in on progress. Under his guidance, the Normandy continued its search and rescue missions, with Garrus leading the away teams. Kaidan didn't share everything though. He kept to himself the fear he sensed in the crew as they witnessed more and more Reaper presence and were without the Catalyst and without Shepard. Hackett was brusque and Anderson concerned. If Shepard couldn't find the Catalyst, they would have to attack without it, and that wouldn't happen without Shepard leading the fleets. She was the only symbol of hope, and she hadn't been seen or heard from for most of a week. The cohesion of the fleet was at risk. Kaidan kept the burden to himself as much as possible, but Shepard knew the score.

On the third day, despite the tenderness in her abdomen, Shepard refused the pain pills and sedatives and insisted on getting up. She walked around her cabin, hunched over, eventually even pacing the hallway outside the Loft. Liara made one protest. When she saw Shepard's pain, she knew Shepard's body would stop her more effectively than she could. Sure enough, after about an hour, Shepard shuffled back in, paler, and with a bluish tinge to her lips again. Doctor Chakwas had said Shepard needed to break the lesions that had formed in her abdomen post-surgery that were keeping her from taking deep breaths, but Shepard had resisted the breathing exercises. Consequently, when she was tired it was hard for her to catch her breath. She really was exasperating.

Watching Shepard hobble into the Loft, Liara resisted offering help. She forced herself to stay at the desk until she saw Shepard falter near the stairs. It would be a major setback if she fell. Liara walked over and supported her to the …couch when Shepard refused to return to the bed. She was ready to strangle the human. Why did Shepard have to be so stubborn and not listen to advice or doctors?

There Shepard struggled to stay upright and read through reports. From the desk, Liara watched out of the corner of her eye. After seeing Shepard slump, straighten and grimace for the tenth time, Liara got up. Taking one of the pillows from the bed, Liara sat where the couches met, set the pillow on her lap, and gestured for Shepard to lie down and rest her head there. Too weary to do anything but accept the compromise, Shepard did.

After Shepard's breathing had settled into the slow rhythms of sleep, Liara put her datapad aside to watch her. It comforted her greatly to be close to Rachel. These past few days, to see her breathing and to be able to reach out and touch her, had helped Liara. So did this moment. Rarely since returning to the Normandy had she gotten to see restfulness on Rachel's face or have moments of peace with her. Reaching down, she ran her fingers through Rachel's dark hair, traced her ear and touched her lips. A thrill raced through her as she did. The scare of seeing Rachel so wounded in the medbay was still too fresh for Liara to sleep without nightmares unless she slept beside Rachel, but having her so close made sleep difficult for other reasons. These days being near Shepard, touching her, and the aborted reunion of the other night had left Liara with no way to ignore how much she wanted her, or how deeply she loved her. Stroking Rachel's cheek, Liara sighed, picked up her datapad, and returned to work.


	3. Burnt Blue

**Burnt Blue  
**

from John Ashberry's _The Friend at Midnight  
_

_Keeping in mind that all things break…  
Don't give up. It's too soon, Things break. Yes, they fail  
Or they are anchored up ahead, but no one can see that far….  
Asking, why … the burnt blue sky?  
_

* * *

Hours later, Shepard woke with a start and winced.

"How are you feeling, Shepard?" Liara asked, reaching down to touch her forehead.

"How long was I out?" Shepard responded. She shifted as if to get up.

"It's a little after three." Liara lightly stroked her fingers through Shepard's hair as she spoke, and Shepard relaxed back on the pillow. "And you didn't answer my question. Are you okay? If you're hungry, I had them leave the tray, but maybe you'd prefer something warm. What would you like?"

Shepard gave a wicked little grin. "Something hot." Raising an eyebrow, she stretched her arms up around Liara's waist. "Something blue." Her grin widened. "I'd rather _show _you how I'm doing."

Liara couldn't help laughing or appreciating how Shepard's movement accentuated certain features of her body. "You know what I mean—what do you want to eat?" She savored the softness of Shepard's hair, the shape of her head, their contact.

"That's unstoppable juggernaut of heart-pounding suggestiveness to you," corrected Shepard lightly before continuing in a deeper, huskier voice, "and … that's what I meant." With lowered lids, she inhaled deeply, and as she exhaled, slowly slid her tongue over her bottom lip, wetting it before sucking it in, lightly biting and releasing it slowly.

_Goddess_. Liara's smile faded and her hand stilled as she watched. Tightness flared up her core and fanned out, fiery, powerful. Their eyes locked. For several long minutes she forgot to breathe, then she noted Shepard's pallor, thought about the transports she still needed to arrange. Finding her gaze riveted to Shepard's glistening full lower lip, she closed her eyes, shook her head. "I am not on the menu."

"That's a shame." Shepard released her and turned on her side, trying to get up.

"You're not supposed to do that yet." Putting her datapad aside, Liara placed her palm on Shepard's forehead to stop her. Holding the pillow in place under Shepard's head, she slid out from under it and moved to stand in front of her. She leaned over her, running her hands under Shepard's shoulders.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "You're sending mixed messages, T'Soni."

"You're supposed to grab…"

"Your shoulders," Shepard finished, wrenching her eyes away from the portion of Liara's anatomy hovering near her face with some difficulty. "I know." She wrapped her arms around Liara's shoulders, their cheeks brushing, their bodies touching.

Liara could feel Shepard's breath warm on her crests. She stood, pulling Shepard to her feet, then let go.

"Liara…," Shepard whispered as she swayed against her.

Placing her hands on Shepard's waist, Liara tried to gently push her away and step back.

"Not this time," Shepard said, keeping her close. She pressed her lips softly against Liara's neck, her cheekbone, the corner of her mouth, her lips.

Liara inhaled sharply and tensed before Shepard's hand slowly swept up the back of her neck, Shepard's fingers entwining her crests. _Goddess_. A ripple ran through her, her lips parted and her eyes closed. Shepard pressed against her, her tongue sweeping the roof of her mouth. Liara's hands slid up Shepard's back to her head, ran through her hair, then slid slowly down to the front of Shepard's shoulders. Liara gently pushed her away. "Not now," she whispered.

Breathing heavily, they regarded one another.

"Why?" Shepard's eyes were very dark.

"You're injured." Liara took a step back.

"I'm not fragile. I want this. I want you." Shepard followed her. She reached out. "I miss you, Liara."

"I miss you too, Shepard, but…," Liara shook her head and crossed her arms in front of her. "You're not healed."

"Damnit Liara! I'm fine. Why do you keep pushing me away?" Shepard's voice had grown louder. She dropped her arms to her sides. "Is it because of the Bahak system? Thessia?" Her voice cracked on that last word.

Liara regarded her coolly. "I'm not going to argue about this with you, Shepard." She circled to where she'd left her datapad on the couch, picked it up and started walking to the door.

Shepard placed her hand lightly on Liara's arm as she passed, stopping her. "Just tell me why, Liara," she said quietly. "I can take it. I'm a big girl."

"I already did."

"I don't buy it. There's something else. Tell me the truth!"

"Maybe I just don't want to have to restrain myself," Liara snapped. "Commander."

Shepard blinked as if she'd been slapped and dropped her arm.

Liara left.

_What the hell did that mean? _Shepard wondered.

* * *

Liara knew she was close to tears when she stalked into her cabin. That _woman_ was so frustrating!

_Pushing her away?! _As if she hadn't gone to Rachel's room _night after nigh_t since being back on the Normandy, not been there to comfort her about Earth and Mordin! As if she hadn't _told_ her how _overwhelmed_ she felt about the odds they faced or sought her comfort or _asked for time alone with her_ in her cabin and on the Citadel! As if she hadn't _been with her_ on practically _every_ mission since the war started! Liara's strides had brought to her bed. She threw the datapad on it and spun on her heel, pacing back in the other direction, head down, hands clenched in fists tight by her sides.

She thought she'd understood! She thought she'd understood that Rachel was preoccupied, and that Rachel had understood that she had to focus on the Crucible and Shadow Broker network, that so much depended on her too, on them both! Defeating the Reapers and saving lives had to take precedence! _By the Goddess, all organic life was at stake! _She brushed aside Javik's claims as they sprung to mind, further fueling her tears and anger. At the door she turned again, pacing back toward the bed, arms wrapped around herself. Thessia … Athame … did Shepard really not understand? She had thought she had, better than anyone. And she'd thought she'd understood what it had cost Shepard to make the decision she did about the Bahak system. She understood why, and what that sacrifice had bought them all … precious time.

It wasn't as if she didn't _want_ to … _oh Goddess, the things she wanted to_….! If the Specialist hadn't interrupted them … the way she had _wanted_ to comfort Rachel, to pin her against the wall, despite her fears about what Rachel's relationship with Kaidan might have become over the months confined on Earth. And the Specialist! She'd overheard her telling Kravis that she got aroused every time Shepard stood at attention in her casual uniform, and had been furious until, when she'd paid attention, she'd realized she did too. Then how could she blame her? Hadn't she struggled so _often_ to take her eyes off Shepard when, ironically, she was supposed to be covering the away team's flank?! She stopped and sat on the bed, hands covering her face, tears fresh on her cheeks. Hadn't she _twisted and turned_ through sleepless nights imagining, her father's words haunting her, throwing Shepard down, peeling her out of her uniform and doing … _oh Goddess help her… _positively uncivilized… things to her and with her?!

"Doctor T'Soni…" Glyph began, gliding over to her.

"Now's not the time, Glyph!" she snapped. She stood and resumed pacing.

No, it wasn't a lack of desire. It wasn't the Bahak system or ... Thessia. Yes, the cost—all those batarians. She knew Shepard had lost a bit of her soul that day, that she still struggled with guilt over so many deaths even though it had been the only choice she could make. And the asari…. She choked back a sob. Time was running out for her people, for all of them, and … for Shepard. Her pacing slowed. She stopped in the middle of the room as she realized suddenly that she _had_ been holding something against Shepard. Not Thessia or Bahak—Rannoch!

Maybe she _had_ been trying to punish Shepard for risking getting spaced again, for mocking her concern on the dreadnought, for taking the terrible chance she did on Rannoch. She'd been so angry with her and hurt. She'd watched from a safe distance on top of the geth speeder with Tali and Legion as Rachel stood her ground on the shelf far below, armed only with the targeting laser as the Reaper got ever closer, shooting instant death at her, closer and closer, Rachel rolling away barely in time. She had thought she was going to watch her die again! _Oh Goddess, not again! _And then it had seemed that the fleet would do what the Reaper had failed to as the firestorm exploded so close to her. That was why, when the smoke had cleared and the dust had settled and they could see that the Reaper was down and Shepard was still standing, she hadn't gone with Tali and Legion to join her. She'd felt drained of everything and unable to move.

Maybe it was knowing that Rachel couldn't survive much more, much longer that had made her shy away. Seeing her bleeding out in the medbay... It hurt to see her at risk, to see the chances she took, to know she _had_ to take them. No one else could accomplish so much. But _would it be enough?_ Even if she did succeed, _what would it cost?_ She couldn't bear the thought of losing her, of life without Rachel, but in trying to push away the possibility, she'd been pushing Rachel away too.

Rachel was right.

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts.

"Liara, may I come in?" It was Karin Chakwas.

After taking a moment to compose herself, Liara went to the door. "Now's not a great time, Doctor. Maybe later?"

Karin stood there with a couple of steaming mugs in one hand. "Nonsense, it's always a good time for tea." She strode into the room, the door closing behind her. Handing Liara one of the mugs, she walked over to the only chair and sat down.

Bemused, Liara walked over and sat on the bed, knees together, mug cradled in her hands.

"I saw you come down a few minutes ago and thought I'd check on how our patient is doing," Karin said, crossing her legs and taking a sip of tea.

Liara looked down at the mug in her hands. "Shepard says she is doing much better."

"You don't agree?"

"I don't agree with a lot of things Shepard says and does," Liara said bitterly.

"I see," Karin replied. "Come now, drink your tea. I chose your favorite." Taking another sip of her own, Karin continued, "So Shepard thinks she's recovered before she is. That's hardly a surprise. And you disagreeing, surely that's not unusual? But you've been such a devoted nurse. You leaving off tending her before she's actually recovered, that's … unexpected." She regarded Liara steadily. "Does she not need your help anymore?"

"I needed a break," Liara replied. Tentatively sipping the tea, she relaxed a little at its warmth, enjoying the spicy flavor. It tasted very much like her favorite.

"Understandable."

A long companionable silence stretched between them, the only sound their intermittent sipping.

"She wanted to…. We haven't…. There's not been…," Liara surprised herself by confessing and blushed. "She's _not healed_."

"She must be feeling better if she's feeling frisky. That's good news." Karin said calmly. "Maybe I should go up. I have occasionally been curious…." She looked at her mug, stirred her tea again.

"You… no …. wait … what?" Liara stammered.

"Didn't you just say that she's feeling amorous and is all alone up there, longing for some company? I just might pay her a visit."

The two regarded each other for a few moments, Liara's mouth hanging open. Then Chakwas chuckled, smiled, and pretended to cup her ear. "What was that you said—go ahead? Or—I'm too old for her? Her doctor? I could send Samantha instead. Samantha'd like that." She winked at the asari. "What—you say she's not blue? Shepard only goes for blue? Well, maybe you're right. I guess it's you or no one." She chuckled again. "My dear, you're far too easy to tease…."

"You're joking!?" Liara exclaimed and shook her head in disbelief. She felt strangely befuddled. She looked down at the cup in her hand then at Karin with suspicion and respect. "You put something in my tea!" she said. Her head felt very heavy. "You… "

"Yes dear, I've been monitoring you both, and you've not taken a break in days. When I saw you this afternoon, I could tell it was time to step in. Please forgive an old lady her tricks." Karin rose and taking the mug out of Liara's hands, looked at what remained in it before turning to go. "It will only knock you out for a couple of hours. Glyph, dim the lights. Even asari need to rest sometime, you know, Liara," she said. And then she was gone.

Liara struggled to keep her eyes open a few minutes longer, then pulling herself up on the bed, sighed, rolled on her side and gave in.


	4. Small White Flower

**Small White Flower  
**

from Margaret Atwood's _Variations on the Word_ Sleep**  
**

_I would like to give you the silver  
branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you  
from the grief at the center  
of your dream, from the grief_

* * *

When she woke, Liara felt refreshed, much better than she had in a while. Maybe she would forego revenge on Karin; she would see. After a quick shower, she turned to her feeds and the arrangements she'd been in the process of making earlier. With Glyph's help she was able to tick off a number of the items requiring urgent attention. She knew she needed to talk with Rachel, and she would. She would check on her later, and after they'd discussed things, she'd ask Rachel if she could stay. With the logistics settled on the last of the transports evacuating Thessia that day wrapped up, she only had to finish a few more tasks. She was hard at work on those when out of the corner of her eye she noticed the top left screen behind her go dark. She turned in her chair and read the white script that appeared and ran across the screen. It read,

_"I would like to watch you sleeping, \ which may not happen."_

"Glyph, what's happening on channel 20?" she asked, knowing it had to be Shepard, as the screen next to it went dark and a different line scrolled across it. It read,

_"I would like to watch you,\ sleeping. I would like to sleep \ with you, to enter"_

"Glyph? Channels 20 and 21?"

"Commander Shepard is using the password you gave her to access your system and to override current monitor imaging directives. Would you like me to shut her access down?"

"No, not yet. If it's not damaging the system, I'd like to see what she's doing first." Liara sat back and waited.

The third screen went dark, like the others. The script scrolling across it read,

_"your sleep as its smooth dark wave \ slides over my head"_

The next screen went dark and stayed dark. The following went dark and the text resumed there,

_"and walk with you through that lucent \ wavering forest of bluegreen leaves"_

One by one, her monitors scrolled one line or stayed dark, together they read,

_"with its watery sun & three moons \ towards the cave where you must descend,"_  
_"toward your worst fear"_  
_"I would like to give you the silver \ branch, the small white flower, the one"_  
_"word that will protect you \ from the grief at the center \ of your dream, from the grief"_  
_"at the center. I would like to follow \ you up the long stairway \ again & become"_  
_"the boat that would row you back \ carefully, a flame \ in two cupped hands"_  
_"to where your body lies \ beside me, and you enter \ it as easily as breathing in"_  
_"I would like to be the air \ that inhabits you for a moment"_  
_"only. I would like to be that unnoticed \ & that necessary."_

_"—Margaret Atwood, 'Variations on the Word _Sleep_,' Earth, circa 1900s"_

When Liara reached the attribution, she rose and walked over to her footlocker. "Glyph, what are the slashes in the text for?" she asked over her shoulder.

"They indicate line breaks, a human convention." The VI floated toward her. "Shall I restore original functions?"

"No, leave it for now." Gathering datapads and clothes in a bag, Liara headed for the elevator. She had decided. The poem was only, as the humans said, icing on the cake. If these were her last days, if these were Rachel's, she didn't want to waste any more time. Pulling away hadn't avoided pain, it had caused more. She looked around her cabin and headed to the door. No more. Whatever the cost, no more waiting, no more hiding. Whatever must be done, her responsibilities, she would attend to as well. But she would no longer deny herself or Rachel what they had promised each other.

* * *

The door to the Loft opened at her request, and Liara entered to find candles and dinner set out on the table and a newly washed, neatly pressed Shepard standing by the couch. Liara walked down the steps and set her bag by the bed. Then she turned, went to Shepard and took both her hands in hers.

"Rachel, I…"

Shepard squeezed her hands. "Let's have dinner," she said quickly, forestalling Liara's speech. "My eyes see with joy…," she offered, an asari greeting.

"My hands touch with joy," Liara responded. They slid their hands up and down each other's forearms, holding on longer afterward than custom dictated. Liara ducked her head and gave a half smile as she released Shepard's arms. "What's this?" Her gesture indicated the whole table.

Shepard shrugged. "You once told me that people like us don't get to date. But if people like us can help cure the genophage, maybe we can pull off something as complicated as a date. At least once." She poured their drinks, handed Liara's hers, then raised her own glass. "To the asari who has given the galaxy a fighting chance."

"To the galaxy that gave me a fighter," Liara countered with a smile.

"To the galaxy." They touched glasses, sipped and took their seats. As they helped themselves to the feast in front of them, Liara inquired about the poem, and the conversation turned to the arts, family and friends. Rachel's mother had been an English teacher on Mindoir, Liara learned, and had fueled Rachel's early love of poetry. She'd left it behind when her family had died, finding it too painful. They shared stories of growing up, their parents, and mishaps at school, circling eventually back to poetry.

Liara wanted to hear more about this side of Shepard. Rachel admitted it wasn't until Ash had reminded her that she had been provoked to rediscover poetry again. As did, Rachel added with a sidelong glance, meeting Liara. Liara wondered but did not ask which of them had reawakened that spark in Rachel first, and if there had been more to the women's relationship than she had known. When Ash had died, Rachel had put poetry aside once more. Outloud Liara wondered if poetry had become inextricably linked to loss for Rachel, but Rachel said no, it spoke to her of deep, abiding love.

After another drink and a couple more stories, Liara persuaded Rachel to recite some of the poems she knew by heart. When she spoke, Liara let herself loll in the song of the sounds, catching no more than the line, "Only catastrophe \ will calm me," as she savored her drink. Time seemed to stretch as Rachel leant forward on her arms, gathering the words to her in the flickering candlelight. Drawn in by Rachel's intensity, the movement of her lips, she heard, "the heart is the toughest part of the body. \ Tenderness is in the hands," and reflexively let her gaze drop to where Rachel's hands lay cupped in one another. She felt warmth unfolding in her. At, "Look as time is not in watches, love is not in bodies \ Bodies only display love," Liara reached forward and placed a single finger against Rachel's lips. Keeping it there, and Rachel's gaze, she leaned over, put her glass down, and slid next to Rachel.

"I like this one," she said as she removed her finger and slowly started to take off her gloves.

"Does that mean you didn't like the others?" Rachel asked with a half smile.

Gloves off, Liara answered, "It means I find wisdom in these words I would like to ... explore." Taking Rachel's chin in her hand, Liara stroked her thumb over Rachel's lips, her own lips parting as she did. She leaned in and gave her a long, lingering kiss.

Rachel looked uncertain as they slowly pulled apart, and Liara's heart ached at the sight. Shepard set her glass down and turned toward the table, breaking eye contact. She noticed the candles had burned down more than half way. "Look, Liara, we need to talk."

Undoing buckles and shrugging out of her lab coat Liara answered, "No, we don't."

"Don't…," Shepard turned to her, noticed, narrowed her eyes, "... Liara?"

"There are other ways to convey what's important." Liara stood, gently pushed Shepard back against the couch, and sat on her lap.

Instinctively wrapping one arm around Liara's waist and the other over her legs, Shepard looked up at her and disagreed. "I need words."

"Fine," Liara said then leaned down and kissed her again. "Does it hurt when I do this? To have me this close?"

"No." The next kiss continued for some time. When she could think again, Shepard said. "Look, I've seen the amazing work you do and know that you are using your power, your immense intellect, everything you have, every minute of the day, to fight the Reapers and to save lives…."

Liara's mouth claimed hers again, the fingers of one of Liara's hands raking back through Shepard's hair to cup her head and hold it against Liara's mouth. She hoped this would keep Shepard from mentioning the Reapers again.

Shepard was out of breath when Liara broke the kiss at last, and Liara was breathing hard. Liara spoke. "And I know you are the most pushy…." She kissed Shepard's forehead. "Sweaty..." She kissed Shepard's eyebrows. "Smelly…" Shepard's nose. "Talkative…." Her mouth. "Stubborn." Her chin. "And surprising." Her ear. Shepard gasped and Liara, lingering there, whispered, "human I have ever known."

Shepard grinned, leaned back and stretched the arm that had been around Liara out along the top of the couch, her respiration rate visibly faster. "You better watch it, T'Soni," she drawled. "One more compliment in that string and I may have started to think you like me."

Liara took a minute to catch her breath before she replied, tracing Shepard's ear with one blue finger, "I might have too."

With a huff of mock outrage, Shepard put her arm under Liara's legs and dumped her on her back on the couch beside her, then abruptly hunched over and clutched at her side.

Concerned, Liara pushed herself up on her elbows. "Rachel?"

"I'm alright, Liara, it was just a twinge." She straightened and smiled reassuringly over at the asari, who had reached out to brush the curtain of Rachel's hair aside so that she could see her eyes. "Now..." A spark of mischief lit those eyes. "Where were we?" Shepard reached out and captured Liara's hand with her own. She brushed her thumb over Liara's palm before bringing it to her mouth and pressing her lips against it. When her lips gave way to her tongue and then her teeth, the change drew a gasp from Liara.

"Ah yes, I was trying to get your undivided attention," Rachel said a moment later. Releasing Liara's hand, she pulled one of Liara's legs between her and the couch and leaned over her. "You see, having you so close, seeing you all the time, but never getting to really be with you, or touch you, has been difficult." She hovered over her and continued, "Many times on away missions, watching you move into position has made me very aware of your body." To illustrate her point, she stroked one hand up Liara's side. "You are so incredibly sexy. Too many times, I've wanted to pull you into some dark corner and have my way with you." Liara reached up to pull her closer, but Shepard resisted, only lowering her head to kiss Liara's neck, pressing her lips into that warm skin several times before pulling back and saying, "But there was always another squad mate, the open comm., the larger goal."

Liara's impatience grew. At Rachel's confession, she found herself imagining Rachel pressing her down on one of the monastery bunkbeds, wrapping her legs around her on a Citadel maintenance walkway, getting under her armor at the Prothean archive on Mars—and those fantasies and Rachel's attentions and words were driving her crazy. But when she realized that she also imagined Samara, Kaidan or the Illusive Man watching, she pushed up against Rachel in momentary distress. Since becoming the Shadow Broker she'd become hyper aware of watching others and of being watched. Perhaps it wasn't strange to find that element somehow being incorporated in her fantasies, but would Rachel understand? Liara thought she knew herself better, that she preferred watching to being watched. But in her fantasies, she could imagine Rachel ... doing so many things to her without any concern over who was watching—whether squad mates or councilors—wanting everyone to know they belonged to each other. A flush spread over her whole body.

Feeling Liara's push, Rachel pulled back. "Liara?" She panted as she waited for a response, an expression of concern on her face, her hand on Liara's.

Liara reached up and pulled her back down, kissed her fiercely and tugged up on her shirt, hoping to convey her growing sense of urgency. Shepard pressed her body against her, momentarily forestalling Liara's efforts to undress her. She wasn't done talking yet. "I haven't because…. How could I compete with what you're doing to win the war?" she asked between kisses, so intent she didn't notice Liara's mind brushing hers, or let her in. "And how could I want to? I support you, the amazing person that you are." Liara moaned. "Knowing you are the reason we have a chance in this war, because you found the blueprint when no one else could, because you have brought together so many people and resources as the Shadow Broker…."

As one of Rachel's hands traveled up under Liara's shirt, Liara managed to concentrate enough to finally tug Rachel's shirt up over her head and toss it behind her. "Rachel," she said, her voice smoky, her hand resting on Rachel's cheek for a moment, and then drifting down to ghost over her bandages. There were more articles of clothing to remove, and Shepard wasn't done talking, but, as Shepard's hands once more moved under her clothing ... _Goddess ... please_. "Because you made it possible for me to be here—you. You are everything people claim that I am, a hero, and I am proud to stand beside you, to fight this battle with you, as equals, as partners."

Liara quivered at every touch, every hot breath on her skin, every word, even though the meaning took longer to sink in. Eyes dark, her mind strained against Shepard's, seeking more. "All you had to do was ask," she choked out. Liara felt incredibly warm. She wanted, needed her too heavy, too tight clothing off. She wanted, needed Shepard—Rachel, her body, her self. She wanted to tell, to show, Rachel how much she'd been wanting her too—to share her fantasies and fears, to find a way to slide so deep inside her they'd be beyond any separation, make a lie of the possibility of loss. With Rachel's help, her shirt was discarded. Rachel's hands unfastened her pants, pushed them down. Pleasure roared in her, wetter than any dream, urgent under Rachel's hands and mouth. Her neck and back arched, and she knew her confessions would have to wait until later. Later that night, if Shepard had the stamina. Later in her recovery, if not. Liara could be patient. Just not right now. She writhed against Rachel, biotics roiling over her.

"Liara, I love you." Rachel's voice was husky when she said it, her eyes heavy-lidded with desire, half her clothes off, her hair wild, her lips swollen. Liara would remember.

Rachel's fingers raked her thighs. "Oh Goddess," Liara moaned loudly, "Please … embrace eternity."

Liara's mind whirled around Rachel's, her sensations and emotions as turbulent as her biotics. Liara's head flew back and her mouth opened in a wordless scream as Rachel accepted and enfolded her, as they became one.

* * *

*In order of appearance, the poetry Rachel recites is from Chana Bloch, "The Collector"; Carolyn Forche, "Because One Is Always Forgotten"; and Yehuda Amichai, from "Among the Stars You May Be Right."


	5. Petal by Petal

**Petal by Petal**

from ee cummings _somewhere i have never traveled_

_you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens  
(touching skillfully,mysteriously) her first rose…  
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals  
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture  
compels me with the color of its countries,  
rendering death and forever with each breathing_

* * *

In the medbay, EDI's voice came over the comm., "Doctor Chakwas, my sensors have picked up irregularities in Commander Shepard's vitals."

Karin frowned. "Put them on my monitor," she ordered. "Are they falling or critical?"

"No, but her breathing is labored and her heart rate and blood pressure are elevated. Her body appears to be in distress."

Looking at the monitor, Karin asked, "EDI, is the Commander alone?"

A pause.

"No."

Karin marveled at the AI's ability to convey what sounded very much like embarrassment in a single syllable.

"Then that will be all."

"Yes, Doctor."

* * *

Shepard kissed Liara's crests and stroked her back as she felt Liara receding from her mind. For a while they lay there, pressed together on the couch in a tangle of limbs and half shed clothing, reveling in their closeness.

"Was that what you meant about not wanting to have to restrain yourself?" Shepard eventually asked as she traced lazy designs on Liara's arm, watching the candlelight dance over her flesh.

Liara pushed against her lightly with the flat of her hand. "Please don't tease me."

"You've nothing to be embarrassed about. I enjoyed every minute," Shepard said as she brushed Liara's cheek and leaned in to kiss her. "I've been trying to figure out what you meant," she admitted.

"I was frustrated." Liara tucked her chin in.

"I know, but I don't think that's what you were saying. Were you?" Shepard pulled back a little to regard Liara and waited.

Two very big, very luminous, and very blue eyes focused on hers. "What do you know about asari bonding?" their owner asked after returning Shepard's gaze for a while.

Shepard blinked twice. "Well, I think it refers to making a life-long, monogamous commitment of a romantic nature with an asari, somewhat analogous to human marriage. When I said I wanted to share the rest of my life with you, that's what I meant." Her forehead crinkled. Liara gently soothed it with her thumb, and nodded. "Why, what does bonding have to do with you not wanting to have to restrain yourself? … Oh!" She regarded Liara with curiosity. "Is bonding to joining like joining is to melding?" Her eyes widened.

Liara's thumb swept lower, tracing Shepard's lips, feeling a familiar thrill as she did. "Would that appeal to you?" She kept her eyes on Shepard's lips.

Shepard captured her hand and kissed the palm. With her other hand she gently lifted Liara's chin. Blue eyes met deep brown ones, so rich a brown they seemed almost black. Liara remembered her shock the first time she'd seen them, thinking the human was trying to meld with her. She'd never told Shepard. Her eyes still stirred her, not fear anymore, but excitement. Sometimes the sheer force of personality and emotion expressed in them overwhelmed her. As she waited for Shepard's response she felt those stirrings mixed with a cold current of anxiety. But then Liara saw tenderness, wonder, love radiating from those deep pools. "I'd be honored," Rachel said.

The blue hand that squeezed hers, then stroked Rachel's cheek trembled slightly. "You ok?" Rachel asked. Liara nodded, too overcome to speak. Rachel frowned. "Are you … is one hundred and nine old enough to be doing this?" she asked. Liara's eyes welled up, and she nodded again, hand pressed against her mouth. "Liara?" Rachel said.

"It's just…. I never thought….," Liara managed, then wiped the tears from her eyes. "It is the most serious commitment an asari can make and carries certain privileges and responsibilities recognized by asari and … galactic … law."

"Bonding is binding—I get it," Rachel joked. "Good. You sure you want to be stuck with me, T'Soni?"

Liara knew she had to explain further. "It also has physiological and spiritual components." Liara struggled in earnest to convey the significance of what she meant, of what bonding _was_. "It … changes … things, changes us, and … can't be undone. It would be permanent. You need to be sure it's what you want." Her hands gripped Rachel's arms. "I need to be sure you understand."

"Ok." Rachel assumed a more serious expression and nodded. "You're saying it's more than human marriage, and maybe more than offering a lifetime to share together—which had been what I had asked?" Liara nodded. "So you're not sure we're talking about the same thing, or that we want the same thing, and you want to make sure?"

"I couldn't bear it if you … regretted it." Liara admitted, a frown wrinkling her forehead.

Rachel kissed the wrinkle. "So when you, when I, express a desire to be bondmates, you're saying it's asking to join on such a deep level that some part of the joining can never be undone? Something like that?" She regarded Liara with an inscrutable expression.

"Like two handfuls of water being brought together and cupped by both of us," Liara said illustrating. "It means offering all we are."

Silence stretched between them, Rachel pensive, Liara nervous, until finally Rachel spoke. "Well, I'm glad you told me." She had a very serious expression on her face. "Now that I know this, I don't want to marry you." Liara felt suddenly sick, like the air had been knocked out of her. "I want us to be bondmates, I want to bond with you instead." Shepard grinned, clearly proud of her joke.

Liara pushed her shoulders hard enough that Shepard only had time for her mouth to make a small "o" of surprise before she fell to the floor. Joy and anger, relief and desire warred to be uppermost inside Liara. "That was cruel, Shepard," she said finally.

"Is that a no, T'Soni?" Shepard asked, her voice muffled.

"Get up here, and I'll show you my answer," Liara promised.

A pause. Liara propped herself up on her elbow and waited impatiently.

"Uh … I can't," Shepard's muffled response came eventually.

"Oh, and why not?" Liara asked.

"Um, I'm not allowed to yet." Liara peeked over the edge of the couch to see Shepard trying to rock herself to either side to sit up and laughed. She laughed even more when she saw the expression on Shepard's face.

* * *

On the bridge, EDI had been quiet for a long time as she and Joker shared their shift. Finally, she turned to Joker and asked, "Jeff, do you ever feel … shortchanged by being with me?"

Joker glanced over at her in surprise. "What?! Why do you ask?" He frowned.

"I am merely curious. There is limited information available on synthetic/human relationships of a romantic nature. We are the first. It is possible that there might be qualities our attachment lacks, differences from what you are accustomed to. "

"Well, sure, you're so … _so_ … much more." He pushed the completed performance analyses into the review folder and turned to meet her eyes. "The real question is whether you feel shortchanged by being with me."

"I have no basis for comparison … except," EDI's voice got softer, "organic/organic relationships. Neither the geth nor the Reapers seem to form attachments analogous to organic romantic attachments."

"Yeah, well if you could … you know … would you want to 'be with' another synthetic? Not the Reapers, of course, but maybe … well Legion was … uh … tall …. And Eva…."

"Eva was in this body, and she tried to kill me, Kaidan, Shepard and Liara. She suffocated many scientists at the Mars outpost. I found her as repulsive as I do the Reapers. Legion lacked an adequate humor heuristic and an individual self. Until right before his death, 'being with' him would have meant 'being with' all geth. I find contemplating such loss of individuality unappealing." EDI scrutinized Joker. "I notice you only suggest dead rivals. Does the thought of my being interested in someone else bother you?"

Rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, Joker nodded. "Well, yeah, it would be hard to compete if, for instance, you decided you preferred Vega."

"Although Lieutenant Vega spends approximately 7.4 seconds staring at my chest every time he sees me, he has not otherwise shown any interest."

"And if he did?"

"Lieutenant Vega does not interest me."

"Yeah, but are there organics who do?" Joker shifted in his seat.

"I confess two do," EDI said demurely.

"What?!" Joker grabbed the armrests of his seat, practically lifting himself out of the chair. "I just had to ask, didn't I? Let's forget it. It takes the whole unchained AI thing in a direction I can't bear." Joker's voice had been getting louder and louder until a thought occurred to him and he continued more normally, "Unless it's with Shepard, and then I really, really can. Please tell me it's with Shepard. Or with Liara. Or with both of them at the same time," he pleaded. "Because then I can fantasize about it and also be comforted by there not being a snowball's chance in hell…. Definitely not Traynor," he shook his head, "because then, who knows?, maybe there is. Maybe Gabby? That could be ... interesting, kinda hot..." His voice trailed off and he appeared lost in thought.

"I have been curious about the asari bonding experience," EDI said, crossing her legs. "And Shepard did go into the geth collective. She is experienced."

Joker shook his head again, and looked over at EDI. "You know, come to think of it, I don't want to know. Forget I asked. These are people I have to live with, work with. I'm not sure I could handle knowing. You're _my_ girlfriend. Let's just leave it at that. Don't tell me. Let's pretend I never asked, and you never answered. That could work, couldn't it? Just rewind?"

"They can be so passionate and," EDI's voice softened further, "tender."

"Wha…?! They can…?! Wait ... bonding?! experienced?! tender!?" Joker's voice was quite high as he squeaked the last word.

"I saw them," EDI admitted, facing the viewport.

"You?! Saw ... who!? Shepard and Liara!? Is that...?! Are you watching them right now? Can you record it?"

"It was unintentional. Doctor Chakwas had asked me a question. I respect their privacy, Jeff."

"Why, oh WHY, do you have to develop scruples NOW?! Why couldn't you develop them next week, or say, tomorrow? Famous people are fair game."

"You do not believe that, do you? Would you really want to see them?" EDI regarded him.

"Damn, it's so hard to read your expression sometimes," Joker complained. "I guess not. I mean yes, but … don't ask," he grumbled. "It would be better for it not to be up to me."

"Jeff, I have another question."

"Might as well go ahead, EDI."

"Do you have difficulty fantasizing about me because of the lack of synthetic/organic porn? Your collection is quite extensive and varied, and all focused on organics."

"What?!" croaked Joker. "No, EDI." He sighed. "I have absolutely no trouble fantasizing about you."

"I see. Then perhaps you would be willing to share some of those fantasies with me later, when we're off duty. Perhaps we could produce a video of our own?"

Joker gaped, but recovered quickly, "Yeah, sure!"

"Jeff?" EDI said. "Let's go soon. I have been … admiring your fingers on my controls."

"Wow EDI, this is a red-letter day for you," Joker said contently.

* * *

Liara bent over Shepard. "You're supposed to…"

"Grab your shoulders, I know! Same problem as before, only better. You're offering something more appealing," Shepard said, mesmerized.

"Shepard, if you don't grab my shoulders in the next two minutes I'm going to leave you on the floor for the rest of the night, by yourself!" Liara threatened. "Shepard, those are _not_ my shoulders," she admonished as she smacked Rachel's hands away.

"Give me some credit, T'Soni," Shepard said as she slid an arm around Liara's shoulders at last. "I can tell an asari shoulder from a breast, and while I may not be the Shadow Broker, even my rudimentary research skills can find _something_ out about asari bonding and bondmate expectations."

Liara stood, pulling Shepard up with her. "The fact that you knew just makes that worse." Liara frowned. "You let me go through that…."

"I wasn't entirely sure, but what you said confirmed it. You know, this is even better this way," Shepard noted with appreciation as they stood there, embracing. "Except, you still have your boots on, T'Soni. Didn't know you were that kind of asari." With one hand she stroked the back of Liara's neck as she held Liara close with the other. She didn't quite have her balance.

"And what kind is that ... Shepard?" Liara asked, a warning tone in her voice, though she clasped her hands lightly behind Shepard's waist.

"Ah, the kind that likes a pants and boots wearing human," Shepard replied. Liara's glance showed that that was a close save, while her fingers slid beneath Shepard's waistband. Shepard inhaled sharply.

"We'll see about that," Liara said. She undid Shepard's pants and led Shepard backward to the couch.

"First, let me help you with those," Shepard offered and knelt to pull Liara's boots off, caressing her feet and her legs as she went.

Liara gestured for Rachel to stand and looped her arms lightly around her again. Rachel did the same and they stood that way quietly regarding each other. "Are you nervous, Rachel?" Liara asked after a few minutes.

"A little," Rachel confessed, nodding. Swallowing hard, she asked, "You'll … ah… be gentle?"

"I've never done this before. I don't know if it can be … if it is gentle," Liara admitted. "I don't want to hurt you."

"I trust you," Rachel replied, "and I'll … be receptive."

"You know you can't control your mind's instinctive resistance," Liara countered, worry in her eyes.

"We've had some practice with that," Rachel responded. "And, I really, really want this. You'll be able to tell. It turns me on to think of you … of us … doing … this." The loop of Rachel's arms pulled lightly against the small of Liara's back, pressing their pelvises together. "Maybe it will be easier than you think. There's a human saying—where the mind goes, the body will follow. Maybe it works the other way around as well?" Releasing the loop of her arms, Rachel placed one hand on the back of Liara's neck. "Take me, Liara," she said. Her other hand she offered palm up. "I want this. I want all of you. Take all of me."


	6. The Strength We Have

**The Strength We Have**

from Jane Hirschfield's _The Weighing_

_So few grains of happiness  
Measured against all the dark  
And still the scales balance._

_The world asks of us_  
_Only the strength we have and we give it._  
_Then it asks more, and we give it._

* * *

Liara placed her hand in Rachel's. She guided Rachel back another step, and sat down on the couch pulling Rachel in front of her and turning her so that they both sat facing out, Rachel's naked back pressing against her breasts. Rachel's pants felt rough against her sex, so Liara pulled Rachel's pants and panties down to her mid thighs. That was as far as she could reach. Rachel went to pull them off the rest of the way, but hissed in sudden pain when she tried. "Don't," Liara said as she stilled Rachel's movements. Her eyes darkened as she opened her mind.

She began to caress Rachel. Her mind stroked, even as her hands did. Each time she stroked, she went a little deeper, sharing another image of what she'd imagined them doing on away missions, or some of her overflowing emotions. Rachel slowly relaxed, her mind swaying with hers, enfolding hers as she became more aroused. The more excited Rachel became, the more she tried to hold onto each image Liara offered before she pulled it away. Liara found it intoxicating.

Enraptured by Liara's rhythmic penetration of her mind, Shepard felt Liara's hands and body as if in a dream. Liara's breasts yielding and warm against her back, Liara's breath and lips on her neck, Liara's sex damp against her buttocks, Liara thrusting both their hips forward by flexing her abdominal muscles, all caused Shepard's arousal to grow even though the presence of Liara in her mind and the images Liara sent her had already soaked her sex. When Liara's arms crushed her breasts and cupped her sex at the same time, Shepard's head arched back as she gasped with pleasure, her cheek brushing the side of Liara's head as the rest of her involuntary movement was contained by Liara's body.

As Liara pushed deeper and deeper, Rachel's body and mind strained toward her. The intensity of Rachel's response inflamed her. Her pelvic thrusts became a rocking motion, her abdominal muscles moving them forward until Rachel was on the edge of the couch. Liara pressed against Rachel's back, leaving no space between them. With her right arm over Rachel's breasts, her fingers tweaking Rachel's left nipple, her left hand on Rachel's sex, her mind thrusting in her, Liara overwhelmed her inside and out. Rachel whimpered when Liara's kisses against her neck turned to licks, nips, and sucks. One blue finger and then two slid into her as Liara's tongue thrust into her ear, and she pinched Rachel's nipple with her other hand. Rachel moaned and would have arched back, but Liara did not yield her room. Instead, Liara withdrew her fingers, tightened her grip on Rachel, and, continuing to caress her, whispered, "Watch me take you," in Rachel's ear, then waited for her to look down.

When Rachel did, she saw Liara had positioned three fingers just outside her entrance. She moaned softly again and flexed her legs open wider in anticipation. "Just relax. Let me," Liara whispered huskily in her ear, tracing the edges of it with her tongue afterward. Rachel shuddered and swallowed and started trembling, one hand reaching back to grab hold of Liara's neck, the other one of Liara's firm buttocks. Slowly, Liara undulated her hips and rocked Rachel onto her fingers. With every thrust of her hips, Liara impaled Rachel deeper. She rocked Rachel forward, thrusting into her, and holding her, rocked her back, pulling out of her, matching stroke for stroke in Rachel's mind.

Rachel cried out with each stroke. Her toes curled. She felt Liara's strength and suppleness in the thrusts of her hips, the power of her mind entering and stretching hers, filling it more and more until she ached. Rachel's tongue worked in her mouth. She craved Liara's mouth, some physical part of Liara to hold on to. She strained backward, her hands grasping more tightly at Liara. Every nerve in her body and mind awake, alive; the feeling of being compelled onto Liara's fingers, being filled and taken almost unbearably pleasurable. "Liara, I need…," she gasped.

"I know," Liara growled, her pace increasing, biotics rippling over her, her right hand firm on Rachel's breasts now as she crushed them against her arm, pulling Rachel's nipples and twisting them hard. With the thumb of her other hand, she rubbed Rachel's clit, her dark-eyed gaze captivated by the curve of Rachel's neck and the fluttering of her eyelids as she flung her head back and pressed into her again and again after every stroke. She let her gaze drift lower, watching her hand rolling Rachel's nipples, scratching and pressing against the soft mounds of Rachel's breasts, her mouth watering at the sight of her other hand moving in and out of Rachel, her fingers slick. Then Liara closed her eyes to savor the feeling of her fingers and mind deep in Rachel. Moisture dripped down her hand.

She needed more too. She thrust her hips harder against Rachel's buttocks, feeling her own sex slam against its firm curves repeatedly, until, deeply in Rachel, she held them in that position for a long second before thrusting them both forward off the couch to the floor. Rachel, landing on all fours, caught them above the clothes that had fallen there earlier. Growling again, Liara pulled Rachel back into her hips before thrusting her forward to impale her deeply once more.

Unable to escape or control such sweet torment, Rachel moaned repeatedly until the soft moans blended together into a song of pleasure and pain. When Liara felt Rachel's mind closing around hers, she removed her fingers. Capturing Rachel's hips against her with her other arm, pressing her breasts against Rachel's back, she changed position, and took her from behind. Surprised, Rachel's legs buckled, her mind fluttering. Liara held her tight, her hand pumping in and out, her thumb stroking Rachel's clit. Rachel whimpered, her need growing even more desperate, her mind folding in. Liara withdrew her fingers, cupped Rachel's sex, and using her body pressed Rachel gently down, before moving her hand to Rachel's hip to roll her over. She let Rachel reach up and pull her in as close as was comfortable for her, meeting her hungry kiss before slipping her thigh between Rachel's legs, pushing against her dripping sex.

Rachel gasped, arched and groaned, pressing her body against the length of Liara's. "Yes," she cried and grasped Liara's buttocks, her fingers gripping tightly. Liara felt their selves crashing against and in and with each other like waves. Like Liara, Rachel needed more, deeper, everything. Rachel's body craved it, but her mind fought against yielding completely to Liara's. "Please, Liara…."

Sliding her knee down between Rachel's legs, Liara pushed her thigh hard against Rachel's sex as she slowly dropped her pelvis lower. Liara arched her upper body, struggling to keep from pressing the full weight of her body on Rachel's. She could feel the moisture coating Rachel's inner thighs, Rachel's thigh muscles tightening around her leg, the tickle of Rachel's trim pubic hair and the warm wetness she pressed against, pushing back against her, could feel the sweat slicking Rachel's body. Deep within, she struggled to align their waves. She started to tremble from the effort.

Rachel's fingers dug into Liara's buttocks as Rachel brought her own leg up to press against Liara's sex. Liara shook at the contact. Accepting it, she started to rock herself against Rachel's leg. Rachel moaned, her mind bright and quivering and insistent against Liara's as Rachel stroked one of her hands up Liara's body to Liara's mouth. Liara could feel how much she wanted to be inside her.

Liara slowly took in, sucked and tongued Rachel's fingers, using one hand to slide them in and out of her mouth one at a time and then together. She saw Rachel's face flush and felt her writhe against her as Rachel watched. Rachel's mind suddenly dilated around her, and Liara felt herself slipping, Rachel taking her in, taking all of her in, the waves growing wild. She could feel Rachel actively reaching in her, not just crashing against her and how it helped. Slowly she pulled Rachel's fingers out of her mouth, and brought them to her sex. Lifting off Rachel's thigh, she guided them inside her. She moaned and arched as she took them in, as she took Rachel in.

A flush spread over Rachel's chest. Speechless, eyes wild, hair in disarray, she bucked beneath Liara, her mind in a fever as it slipped into Liara's. With a deep growl, she raised her leg further, her every movement pressing her fingers deeper into Liara, even as her mind thrust into Liara's very being. The fingers of her other hand dug into Liara's hip, her thumb into its soft hollow, willing Liara to move.

Looking down at Rachel, her eyes deep pools, Liara slowly lifted her body, pulling her weight back onto her legs to straddle Rachel's thigh, staying impaled on Rachel's fingers, still trembling.

Rachel marveled at her control, feeling herself gush at the sight, feeling the fabric of herself stretched and giving more than she had ever imagined, being penetrated by and penetrating Liara's very essence in turn. Waves of pleasure so intense they burned flowed and rebounded through them both. She felt on the brink of something huge, something that felt like losing her mind, and one last time instinctively resisted.

Then, slowly, Liara started to ride her fingers, sliding up and down them, up and down, achingly slowly, for everything they both felt. Liara gradually picked up speed. Rachel was hypnotized and breathless at the sight. Liara glistened with sweat under the lights in the cabin, her head thrown back, eyes closed, her hands now on Rachel's breasts, her own breasts swaying, her abdominal muscles tensing and relaxing, her hips rising and falling. She watched Liara lick her own lips, her mouth slacking as her pleasure built. Never before had Liara done anything like this. The feelings she received from her, of wanton pleasure, of complete abandonment, of thick, rich love, made her throb painfully in response as Liara took pleasure from her and offered it to her at the same time. Rachel licked her own lips, lifted her thigh, and closed her eyes briefly to relish the long sweet strokes inside Liara. With her thumb she searched for and found where Liara's clitoris would rub against it. Her other hand grasped Liara's hip tightly seeking to control her pace.

Liara looked down at her, and their eyes locked as Liara approached climax. Rachel lifted her free hand to rub hard against Liara's breast, feeling the nipple rolling against her palm, pressed harder against Liara's clit with her other. "Yes," she rasped. "Oh … Goddess … don't stop."

Liara shuddered. She felt Rachel's desire become savage, and echoing it, bent down to kiss her fiercely, one elbow and hand supporting her weight as her other hand reached down Rachel's body to find, ah. Liara thrust into Rachel forcefully and she gasped in surprise beneath Liara's mouth, quivering at the renewed onslaught and shaking as it continued. Liara's kisses bruised her mouth and her wrist ached as Liara rode her hand and took her so completely neither of them could stand it or retain their remaining shreds of separateness for long. The waves that had crashed against each other had doubled in strength as they aligned. Past all resistance, Rachel flung her head back, her hips and back lifting off the floor as Liara felt her clench and explode around her and into her in complete surrender. Liara fell forward, catching herself against Rachel's shoulder as she convulsed in spasms of intense pleasure, filled with Rachel, pulled deeply into Rachel's essence, pulling Rachel more deeply into hers than she had thought possible, the folds of the galaxy quivering around them, the threads connecting them expanding and contracting, making them one, eternal, radiant, forever.


	7. Dawn Mist

**Dawn Mist**

from Gregory Orr's _Best_

_The Greeks said: never to be born is best;  
Next best, to die young in a noble cause….  
Beauty is like life itself: a dawn mist  
The sun burns off. It gives no peace, no rest.  
'Ou sont les neiges d'antan?' we ask.  
But the Greeks were wrong: to live and love is best._

* * *

Kaidan frowned. He didn't know how this had happened. He'd felt fairly confident about his chances, but apparently he was outmatched. It was really gonna cost him. Maybe he wasn't as good at reading people as he thought. Fingering the top of the cards in his hand, he took one last look. Call or fold. This was it. As his thumb brushed the queen of hearts, he thought about Shepard, wondered how she was doing. He'd been worried. Thinking about her had been keeping him up nights even before her injury, but the news vids showing her kissing Liara on the Citadel had prevented him from saying something when they'd met for dinner. It was funny. After he'd woken up in the hospital, everything had been so much clearer. They'd finally agreed to get past Horizon, and she'd been so sweet, attentive and strong. He'd recognized the woman he'd fallen in love with in her again, and he'd thought there'd been something there. Having her turn a gun on him had made him question things, sure, but serving beside her again, he knew he wanted to be with her. There'd always been something there for him, and he'd never gotten over it. He'd never managed to move on, not even when Dr. Michel and he had dated. Now he wondered if was a mistake not to say anything. Liara seemed to come and go in Shepard's life, and she couldn't offer what he could. A human family, a normal human life. Liara couldn't understand what it meant to live a century or less, to be a Marine and to serve the Alliance. How could she ever really know what a woman like Shepard needed? Wouldn't it be better to tell Shepard how he felt than to never take the chance? The worst that could happen is that he'd finally know if he had to move on. The best that could happen is that they would be very, very happy together. That's what he wanted. Provided they won this war.

Across the table, Steve watched him closely. It wasn't so much that the guy had terrible luck, it was that he didn't seem to be learning from it. As he waited for Kaidan's play, he looked the acting CO over. He was an attractive man, and Steve had wondered if there was returned interest ever since he thought he'd caught Kaidan checking him out in the showers. But Kaidan was hard to read. Maybe he hadn't figured out what he wanted yet. He seem preoccupied, but hey, it was the middle of the war to end all wars, he currently held command of the Normandy and Shepard's boots were hard to fill. Could Kaidan ever relax enough to go against regs, have some consensual fun and explore the possibilities? Steve took a swig of his beer. Shepard probably had not had this in mind when she had encouraged him to get back out there, but maybe she'd approve. Steve wondered if Robert would have. He looked down at his hand. Maybe after the war he would focus on non-soldiers, take a civilian pilot's job, start a family. But right now, the combination of hard body and gentle man that was Kaidan really got to him. There was no one else on board he'd rather blow off steam with. He grinned.

Garrus leaned back, a toothpick in his mouth, as he waited for Kaidan to make his move. Damn, how had someone so cautious, so apparently diametrically opposed to Shepard ever become a Spectre? He was glad Vega was his partner. They'd already cleaned out Donnelly and Joker in a previous game. Yeah, he was officially going to call Donnelly, "Poor Donnelly," from now on. He didn't feel badly about it. A man has to know when to quit, and when he can't hold his double malt. He smiled. The bottle he'd picked up on their last leave on the Citadel had done the trick nicely. He glanced back to where Tali sat with Daniels, EDI and Adams. Hopefully she wasn't still obsessing over finding a way to decloak phantoms. It was a worthy goal, but honestly, he'd rather she'd obsess over ways to decloak him. Surely she'd almost adapted to him by now? Not that he'd ever pressure her. She was in charge. In fact, he'd better get his head back in the game or he'd end up just like Donnelly. He chuckled as he remembered that all it had taken to totally distract Donnelly was talking about Sam and EDI. Watching Donnelly's head swivel and the man practically drool when the two had walked into the lounge together had given him the idea. He might not have even needed the liquor if he'd figured out that weakness sooner.

Vega's face was unreadable. Poker was his game, and this was his night. Except for the part where playing with Kaidan was like pulling teeth. Kaidan kept acting like he was playing chess, for all the time he took before he'd make a move, and frankly, Vega'd been hoping to get in some time with the ladies. He'd had his eye on the quarian for a while now, but hadn't had a chance to act on it. She had some fire in her! Um um, and those curves! He wondered if he should learn something about quarian culture first, and if her eyes actually glowed or it was just a function of the helmet somehow. Much better to let her teach him. He smiled. He liked how she was always doing these really cool things in engineering, and he thought maybe they could talk about weapons and armor. Together they could probably figure out how to make their own portable turrets, so they could own those Cerberus bastards! Or they could compare notes on shuttles, hang out in one of them…. He could always try wooing her by cooking for her. The ladies always loved it when he did that. Well, that and his body.

"Ok, I'm in," Kaidan finally said, pushing a stack of white chips into the center of the table and laying out his cards. "Read'em and weep. I've got two pair and the queen of hearts says pay me!"

"You sure about that, Kaidan?" Garrus asked. "Because my full house suggests she was talking about me." He slowly pulled back his cards on the table one by one to reveal his hand.

"Yeah!" James said. "That's what I'm talking about!" He picked up his cigar and took a pull.

"Sorry to disappoint you," Steve interrupted, "but this straight flush won't leave a lot of love for your little house." He laid the cards down.

"It's all up to you," Garrus said, looking at James.

Leaving the cigar clenched between his teeth, James shook his head. "We're SOL this time." He slapped four of a kind on the table. "I caught it on the river, but I'll have to throw it back. It's too small. This one goes to Estaban."

"I wouldn't ever admit that what you're holding is too small, Vega," Garrus drawled as he gathered the cards to shuffle the deck, avoiding Steve's hands as he raked in the chips.

James laughed. "Only the Normandy's gun is bigger than mine, Sticks."

"Exactly."

Steve rolled his eyes. Kaidan looked off out the viewport into space.

* * *

For a long time, they floated together in a warm, bodiless cushion of blissful consciousness as they woke. Eventually Liara regained some sense of herself. Even more slowly, feeling returned to her body. She discovered aches and twinges of pain where she had used muscles and been stretched in new ways. Her mind marveled over what had just happened. Nothing she'd been taught or experienced or read had prepared her. _Rachel_. It was like learning a secret that had no words but changed how she viewed everything. Nobody had mentioned the euphoria, or that it'd be possible to stay joined while sleeping. She opened her eyes and saw Rachel looking at her with the same awe she felt. Never had she imagined taking or being taken like that, never dreamt that their connection could go so deep, or how it would feel for it to remain subtly there even when she returned to herself. She felt strangely like crying, and suddenly Rachel was, but not crying—weeping, deep choking sobs shaking her—as her face crumpled. Liara wrapped her arms around her, pulling Rachel to her, and held her. She thought she understood.

Rachel wondered what was wrong with her. Why was she crying? She wasn't sad, exactly. She struggled to stop, but the release was too powerful. She felt Liara's arms around her, Liara's hand firm and small on her back as she held her. She let go.

Liara held her until her shaking stopped and longer.

Later, Rachel found her voice. "Liara…" Her voice sounded deeper and hoarser than usual. Liara loved it. "That was…."

"Mmmm."

"Un-fucking-believable…"

"Quite the contrary," Liara's voice sounded sultrier and smugger than usual. Rachel loved it. "Rachel?"

"Mmm?"

"I love you." Liara's eyes shone, her lips were slightly parted and the apples of her cheeks held dimples from her crooked smile. Rachel would remember.

"That's an understatement," Rachel teased, reaching out to wonderingly brush her thumb across the freckles on Liara's cheek.

"Rachel?"

Rachel kissed her nose in reply.

"Please don't leave me behind on missions anymore." She felt Rachel tense.

"Does that mean we won't be doing…," Rachel gestured to their position on the floor, striving to make the conversation light, "this again?"

Liara mock bit her earlobe. "You know what I mean."

Rachel shifted to meet her eyes. "Liara…"

"If I'd been there, you might not have been hurt."

"If you'd been there, it might have been you hurt."

"Rachel," Liara pushed her into the pillow of discarded clothes. "You asked me to share your life with you. That means the risks too."

Rachel felt tears burn behind her eyes again. Liara bringing this up now, when she was so vulnerable, was not fair.

"No place is safe anymore," Liara continued. "I want to be with you. Whatever happens."

Rachel remembered Kai Leng's hand encircling Liara's throat, the terror that had nearly overcome her then, before he threw Liara aside unharmed. She closed her eyes against the sting, scalding tears leaking down her temples.

"Oh, Rachel," Liara said softly, as she leaned down to kiss the corners of Rachel's eyes. Her own eyes darkened as she reached out.


	8. Field Mouse

**Field Mouse**

from Ezra Pound's _And the days are not full enough_

_And the days are not full enough  
And the nights are not full enough  
And life slips by like a field mouse  
Not shaking the grass  
_

* * *

When Rachel drifted toward sleep, Liara gently disentangled herself, taking off Rachel's boots and pants. With shaky legs, she went to the bed and gathered pillows and a blanket and returned, placing them under and around Rachel.

Rachel's eyes lingered on her as she stood over her, and Liara stuck out her hip and put her hand on it, smiling. Rachel knew that look. She grinned, and she noticed Liara's expression change from one of challenge and tenderness to one of hunger and tenderness as she surveyed Rachel's body. "I don't think I can," she protested.

"This will help you sleep," Liara replied. She was pretty sure Rachel could, based on previous research, but she was willing to test who was right this time.

"I may never recover," Rachel groaned. She watched Liara's hips sway as she closed the distance between them, knelt down and with a mischievous look, parted her legs. Liara made sure Rachel was still watching as she stuck the tip of her tongue out and slowly lowered her mouth.

* * *

Samantha smiled as she stepped into the lift, chess set in hand. She'd scheduled time to play with the Commander that afternoon, and she was looking forward to it. Having visited with her every day since she'd been confined to bed rest had set her mind at ease. The Commander bantered with her and was visibly getting stronger. Plus, she could admit to herself that she liked seeing the Commander in bed. The only fly in the ointment was Doctor T'Soni, who seemed to have commandeered being Shepard's personal nurse, much as she had the old XO's office when she came aboard. The Doctor didn't stay during Samantha's or anyone's visits, but it seemed like she was otherwise always there. Samantha had heard the scuttlebutt that the two were lovers, and had seen the Citadel news feeds, but had also seen no signs of chemistry between them onboard ever, so she didn't believe it, not really. Maybe it was politics. Samantha felt she was at least as smart and as deserving as the Doctor, and she was human.

Her libido was having a very natural response to war stress, close quarters, and the presence of someone so attractive. Being near the Commander wrecked complete havoc on her in the loveliest of ways. Behind the hero was a real woman she found incredibly compelling. Although Samantha knew her friendship with Diana Allers had the potential to become more, Samantha still hoped for that with Shepard instead. So she smiled at the thought of making the Commander sweat any way she could. Maybe today she could entice the woman into making a move of a different sort.

Getting off the elevator on the Commander's floor, Samantha took a minute to check her breath, pinch her cheeks, then slapped the door panel and strode into the room. The room was dark, except for the light from the aquarium, and the bed was empty. Maybe the Commander was in the bathroom? She turned to peek in, hoping to catch her naked in the shower—_"Oh, Commander, I didn't know you were…, here, let me help dry you off." "Samantha, what are you doing?" "What we've both been thinking."_—but the door whooshed open and shut, the light turning on and off, without any such luck. Then she heard it, a low moan from the floor down by the desk. _Oh no_, she thought, _she's fallen and is bleeding to death on the floor!_ Samantha rushed around the display case and down the steps.

The musk of sex invaded her senses, and her eyes widened at the sight of Doctor T'Soni's blue buttocks in the air, her crests grasped by the Commander as the Doctor did a unmistakably superb job of going down on her. The sounds the Commander was making, the way her body shook, and the closed flutter of her eyes left no doubt about that. As she watched, the asari's hands slowly, possessively, thoroughly caressed the Commander's breasts, hips and buttocks, leaving Samantha aching. She stood stunned, mouth agape, her brain a blank. She couldn't stop staring.

"Your presence is not appropriate at this time, Specialist." Samantha started at being addressed. She blinked but stayed rooted in panic. The Doctor reared up, imposing and … sexy. Sitting on her haunches, her back to Samantha, the Doctor turned around just enough to affix Samantha with a stare she would never forget. Doctor T'Soni's eyes were all black—every part of them—like they weren't even there anymore! "Go!" this terrifying version of the Doctor ordered with unmistakable threat, and Samantha did.

* * *

Samantha heard the Commander and the Doctor cry out together as she waited for the lift. Her mouth opened and closed several times and, after she got off the lift, she wandered until she found herself in Allers' room. Allers was busy filming a segment, so she slid silently to the floor to wait, chess set still in hand. Her mind kept replaying everything that had just been burned into her memory. She didn't know what to feel. Certainly the rumors had been true. She was going to feel devastated, eventually, when the shock wore off. She had two clear thoughts—she wasn't going after a heart that was taken, and she so needed to get laid. Just like in chess, she played to win, and … with love, she played for keeps.

Allers finished her report and walked over. "What's wrong, Traynor?" She knelt down. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Samantha closed and rubbed her eyes hard.

"Hey, don't do that," Allers said, taking her hands in her own. "What's going on? Something happen in the CIC?" Then she saw the chess set on the floor. "Or did someone finally beat you at chess?"

Samantha pulled herself together. "No, nothing like that, just … thought it would be nice to do something fun," she flushed, "have some pleasant company. Do you have time for a drink? I'm going to the lounge to get one and," she paused, "I would love your company."

Allers raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Well, ok, but only if you promise no chess." _I never could resist a sexy accent_, she thought. Her day was looking up. "And if you'll tell me about this top secret mission Shepard has been away on….?"

"That, dear Allers," Samantha replied briskly, getting to her feet. "I couldn't say."

* * *

Back in the Loft, Liara shifted to lie down on her side next to Shepard, her head on Shepard's shoulder.

"Did Traynor," Shepard asked hoarsely, then cleared her throat, "really show up a second ago? Or was that one of your exhibitionist fantasies?" Looking at Liara with heavy-lidded eyes, Shepard rubbed her chin over Liara's crests, then reached up to fondle them. Liara sighed with pleasure and closed her eyes.

"I'm guessing you had an appointment with her?" Liara's voice was deep with relaxation. "Chess?"

"Hmmm."

"Does it bother you that she saw us?"

"Not really. It's not the way I'd have preferred to inform the crew. But your response was … amazing."

It was Liara's turn to make a noncommittal sound.

"You're right, you know," Shepard said. She kissed Liara's fringe as she already started to drowse. "I do belong to you. Everyone should know it."

Liara smiled. She really hadn't felt so content in a very long time.


	9. Wet Swans

**Wet Swans**

from James Wright's _A Blessing_

_They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness…  
They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other…  
Suddenly I realize  
that if I stepped out of my body I would break  
into blossom.  
_

* * *

Kaidan walked into the medbay.

"Ah Kaidan, to what do I owe the pleasure? You feeling okay?" Karin asked.

"Yes, I'm actually here about Shepard."

"What about her?"

"How's she doing, Doc? I mean really."

"Quite well, I imagine."

Kaidan frowned. "You mean you don't know? When is the last time you checked on her?"

"Yesterday afternoon."

"Well, I want you to check on her again today, now. She's not answering her omni-tool or the comm. in her cabin, and I have to talk with her. She's missed our meeting this morning, and EDI won't run the elevator to her floor. She insists that it would be better for you to check on her. I need to know what's going on. Has she gotten worse?" The corners of his mouth pulled down as he spoke. He glanced around as if Chakwas was hiding the Commander somewhere in the medbay.

"I'd asked EDI to monitor the Commander's vitals, and as far as I know, everything has been fine. Shepard has been healing well. She's out of the woods," Karin assured Kaidan, noticing that EDI remained silent.

"It's not a request, Doctor."

"I see," Karin replied and stood. "Then I had better go now, hadn't I, Major?" She grabbed a medi-gel pack replacement and her kit and headed for the lift. Kaidan got in with her and followed her up to the Loft. In the hallway, she turned to him and said, "Wait here, I'll report shortly. Let's trust EDI's judgment."

* * *

Doctor Chakwas slapped the door's control panel and walked in. "EDI, lights." She noticed the empty bed and strode into the room and down the steps. Seeing the pair nestled together on the floor, surrounded by pillows with datapads and articles of clothing scattered over the desk, floor and couch, she chuckled under her breath. Apparently the Commander made love very much like she made war, with explosions and a trail of destruction in her path. Somehow, she was not surprised. She knelt down beside them and put her hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Rise and shine, Commander. It's time for a check up."

Shepard opened her eyes, and blinked at the sight of her. Liara nuzzled her head further into her other shoulder. "Morning, Doc. I didn't know you made house calls."

"Only for you, Commander, and only when you miss your morning report with the acting CO," Karin replied, turning on her omni-tool to scan Shepard. "How are you feeling?"

"Never better."

"So it would appear. Despite your preferred doctor's liberal interpretation of bed rest, involving neither bed nor rest, you seem much improved. But I do need to see your stitches."

Outside in the hallway, Kaidan's voice. "EDI, that's an order." The door whooshed open, and Kaidan stepped in. "Doc, where are you? Where's Shepard?"

"I'm down here, Kaidan. She's fine. You'll have my report in 5 minutes."

"I'm here," Shepard added. "Give me a minute."

"I can't," he said advancing down the stairs. "Hackett ordered me to, and I quote, 'get Shepard to the comm. room to talk to Anderson ASAP even if you have to carry her there yourself.'" Catching a glimpse of Shepard and Liara together and of Shepard's naked body, Kaidan spun around to face the armor locker. "Uh, something big must be happening," he stammered, blushing, hands in front of him. "Can you manage to make it to the comm. room this morning, Commander?"

"Yes, Major, tell Hackett I'll contact Anderson within the hour."

"Understood." He turned on his heel and moved awkwardly out of the room.

Liara, having seen Kaidan's reaction, only managed to keep her composure until the door closed, then a throaty giggle escaped her, "Something 'big' indeed…."

"Liara…," Shepard began, but Liara's grin and giggles were infectious. Shepard shook her head, "I must be rubbing off on you."

Liara outright laughed at that. "I'll say…. Ouch!" Shepard bit her neck, and then nuzzled it, loving the sound of her laughter and the easy joy flowing in her.

"Now ladies," Karin said, giving them a stern look. "Kaidan had the situation well in hand before he left." They stared at her for a second, and then the three of them burst out laughing.

"Oh, don't make me laugh!" Shepard moaned as she caught her breath.

"You're lucky I'm here, then," Karin said. "just in case it's not the best medicine." As Karin placed two fingers over various parts of Shepard's abdomen and tapped her other hand hard against her fingers, Shepard closed her eyes and held her breath. Liara, sobering, took Shepard's hand beneath the blanket. "Does that hurt, Shepard?" Karin asked.

"Only when I breathe."

"Then don't breathe," Karin replied before she turned her omni-tool back on. "It appears you have finally managed to break some of those lesions I had warned you about. That's excellent, but it will leave you sore and feeling nauseated when you move. You've also popped a couple of stitches, but your wounds look good—dry, clean and pink. I'm going to check both to see if they are healed enough to take out the remaining stitches. Whether they are or not, I'd like to give you a medi-gel pressure bandage to help you move more comfortably today. Hmm, this one isn't ready. Liara, if you would, I need to get to the one on that side."

"Of course," Liara squeezed Shepard's hand and released it. Rolling back the blanket covering her, she stood. "If you'll excuse me, I'll take a shower." With that she walked to the stairs. At the top, she looked back over her shoulder at Shepard, her lips curving in a slow smile as she caught Shepard watching her. Shepard gave her a lopsided grin. "That is, if it's safe to leave her in your care ... Doctor?" Liara drawled.

"Definitely not," Karin replied, intent on what she was doing. "Proceed at your own risk." Seeing the Commander's relaxed, happy expression, she snapped her case shut a few moments later. "Commander, if you'd put your arm around my shoulders, I'll help you up," she said. "I need to run a few tests before I can clear you for duty. Then, why don't you come by the medbay for bandaging after you've washed up." Shepard grinned again, her eyes going to where the bathroom door had closed behind Liara.


	10. The Outskirts of Impossible

**The Outskirts of What's Impossible**

from Maura Stanton's _Happiness_

_Now you must bravely turn your back forever  
On the outskirts of what's impossible...  
For if you start to climb that perilous trail  
As I see you doing now, your smile gone,  
Your heart pounding as you brace your shoulders,  
Determined to find a way up through the mist,  
Who will follow you, who will lead you back?  
_

* * *

"You're a sight for sore eyes, Shepard." Anderson looked her over. "It's good to see you."

Shepard leaned against the wall. "So are you, Anderson. How are things on Earth? How are you doing?"

"I should be asking you that," he replied. "I'm sorry to rush your recovery."

"It was time," Shepard answered. "Tell me what's going on."

"I won't lie to you. It's getting grim here." He frowned. "The Reapers have been making a push, and they're focusing on London. We don't know why, but it looks like they have something big planned, and soon. We need you to help us find out what. We may even need you to bring the fleet without the Crucible. Otherwise, there may be no one left here to save."

"That bad?" Shepard as she walked to the console and leaned forward, propping herself against it with her hands.

"Yes," Anderson looked weary and sad as he continued to scrutinize her. "Are you up for this?"

"We have a lead on the Catalyst. It's a long shot, but it seems Cerberus has some connection with Sanctuary. We tracked Kai Leng to that location." She frowned up at him. "I have to be. I won't let you down, Anderson."

"I trust your judgment, Shepard," he paused, "just take care of yourself out there. We need you to lead the fleets. You're all that's keeping them together. You're all that's keeping the resistance together."

"I doubt that, Anderson. I'm sure you're doing that on your own, but … understood. Stay safe, sir." And he was gone. Shepard slumped at the console. She would need more energy than she had, but she was just going to have to find a way. "Joker, set a course for Horizon."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

Shepard stood there a moment longer, unaware that she was being observed. She was going to lie down in her room before the mission, she decided. But first, she was going to tour the ship and check in with the crew. It would do her good to see them, and it would do them good too. And, she thought wryly, she needed the exercise.

* * *

Liara was waiting outside the comm. room.

"I'm glad you're here." Shepard said quickly. Gathering her energy, she strode through the war room, Liara close behind. "EDI, please gather with Javik, James, Garrus, Tali, Kaidan, Traynor, and Doctor Chakwas in the conference room for a mission prep debrief in 30." As the war room door closed behind them, she turned to face the asari. "Liara, I want you there too."

"Shepard, you can't seriously…," Liara began, then seeing Shepard's expression, briefly closed her eyes and changed her approach. "It's too soon. You can barely walk normally for more than 20 minutes."

"Don't you think I know that?" Shepard hissed. "Trust me. There is. No. More. Time. Otherwise Anderson's not going to make it, Earth is not going to make it." She leaned toward Liara. "Don't you get it? Anderson, Earth! That is not an option!"

"So send Garrus, me, whoever else," Liara replied. "Trust us to search Sanctuary. It might be a dead end. You don't have to be there. Trust me. Trust your team."

Shepard turned and paced into the glass-enclosed conference space. Looking out the window, she tried to calm herself by taking deep breaths. "And what if Kai Leng is there?" she asked softly. Turning, she placed her hands on the table, leaning forward on her fingers. "I do trust you and the team. You are all fantastic warriors, but none of you can take Kai Leng down. Last time we met, I couldn't even take him down because of his damn gunship. And if he's there…. I won't send you, any of you, to face him, while I sit safely on this ship. I won't send others to fix my mistake!" She pushed off of her fingertips and leaned back, arms crossed.

"You ….," Liara's jaw snapped shut. From the other side of the table, she radiated frustration. "Kaidan is a Spectre too. And he's never even tried himself against Kai Leng. If you couldn't take him when you were fully functional, how are you supposed to now?" She stabbed a finger in Shepard's direction. It was her turn to hiss. "A phantom took you down! Now you want to go up against many of them and Kai Leng?!" Her voice rose. "I won't let you do it!" She banged her fist against the table, radiating biotics, her head thrust forward. Noticing Shepard's scowl, Liara breathed deeply several times, and said more softly, "Rest, rest to be ready for the bigger battles ahead."

"It's not that simple. You know that. What will it say to the fleet, to the crew if I sit this one out?—that I can't protect them? That I'm too weak? Anderson says the resistance is barely holding together as it is," responded Shepard. "Dammit Liara, you know I have to do this. And I'll succeed because I have to, there's no other option."

Dark energy wisping off her, Liara strode around the table, grabbed Shepard by the shoulders and pushed her roughly against the wall. "It will say you know when to fight and when to gather your strength." she yelled. "It will say you know how to take care of yourself and the people under your command! You may not like it, the crew may not like it, the fleet may not like it, but you are too weak right now!" When Shepard avoided her eyes, Liara ducked down and glared up at her. "Don't you get it? Thessia fell." She practically spit the words. "Palaven fell. Earth may fall, but without you, the war is lost!" With that, she released Shepard and turned away, with an effort managing to get her biotics under control. "If we lose you, if I lose you…." she whispered, covering her eyes. "Don't make today the only rest of your life I get to share with you!"

Shepard struggled to her feet. She knew Liara was right, but so was she. She swayed, consternation crossing her face. "So you decided to take me out of the action yourself?" she asked, reaching for Liara's shoulder. "Becoming the Broker really has changed you," she joked weakly. Liara shook off her hand. "Liara," she whispered as a million tiny stars exploded in front of her eyes.

Liara turned around just in time to catch Shepard as she fell. "Shepard!" _Oh Goddess, what have I done?_ she thought as she struggled to hold Shepard up. "EDI, get Doctor Chakwas to the conference room right away."

"She is on her way."

Cupping the back of Shepard's head, Liara half-leaned, half-dropped her against the wall to control her slide to the floor.

The door opened. "Liara? Shepard?" Karin called, seeing neither of them.

"We're back here." Liara's voice came from the left where Karin spotted her raised hand.

"Really, Liara, there is a time and place for everything ... ," Karin started. She stopped when she saw Liara's eyes swimming with tears. "There now, none of that," she finished briskly, kneeling down to scan the Commander. "Hmm, she's in shock. That's strange. She's bleeding, but whether from a wound reopening or a lesion tearing I can't tell without the medbay equipment." She looked at Liara. "I'm fairly sure that if I ask James to carry her there, Shepard will have my head when she wakes up." Liara, face squinched with concern, nodded in agreement. "So let's see if we can get her on her feet again the old-fashioned way, shall we?" Pulling out some smelling salts, she waved them under Shepard's nose.

Shepard stirred and moaned, waking up felt like being pulled sinus first through a small, gray sieve. "…Wha … happened?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing, Shepard. It seems you and Liara have an affinity for floors."

"We were having a disagreement," Liara murmured.

"Is that what you young people call it nowadays?" Karin chuckled. "You're going to have a hard time living this one down, Commander. At least tell me she used her biotics."

"I think I fainted," Shepard said, still very pale.

"Swooned, really, by the look of it," Karin responded. "And that's even better. You know the drill, Commander, arm around my shoulder and up we go."

When Shepard's knees buckled, Liara took one arm and Karin the other and they walked her out of the glass enclosure. They stood, waiting for her to steady.

"Now, can you manage to walk through the scanner and to the elevator by yourself?" Karin asked.

"Yes, thank you, just give me a minute."

"I'll give you something better." Karin handed her a small vial of purple liquid. "Bottoms up—oh and before there is any confusion, I mean the vial, not you."

Shepard drank it, coughed, and made a face. "What was that?"

"Some things I found lying around the medbay." She took the empty vial from Shepard and tucked it away in her pocket. Liara eyed her suspiciously. "I'm not completely unprepared, Commander. I have met you. Overdoing it would be your middle name if it wasn't too long to fit on your birth certificate. And you seem to have developed the bad habit of swooning every time you go into shock. Now how's that?" she clapped Shepard hard on the back. "Ready?"

Straightening her back and steeling herself, Shepard stood for a moment on her own, then hit the door panel and moved into the scanner room. Karin and Liara followed in turn. Exiting, Shepard walked swiftly to the elevator. As she neared her station in the CIC, Samantha turned toward her, "Commander, it's good to see you…," she blushed beet red and stumbled, "up. I've…."

"Hold that thought, Traynor," Shepard interjected, with a scowl, cutting her off right before Liara could. Liara bit her tongue. Karin raised an eyebrow and glanced with amusement between the two.

_As if I had a choice_, Traynor thought, turning back to her work.

* * *

As the elevator doors closed on the three of them, Karin admitted, "I always wondered when it was going to catch up with you. You've managed your relationship extremely well through extraordinary circumstances, but this was bound to come to a head at some point."

"You sound almost … pleased," Liara responded, looking puzzled.

"Just … not surprised. I'm actually attempting to reassure you. I am not pleased for any pain it causes either of you, certainly, but this moment presents an opportunity." Karin continued calmly. "If nothing else, it signals that you consider yourselves equals, which is a very healthy thing, and that you are like any other less famous or fabulously stressed couple that has had to negotiate and renegotiate the balance of power in their relationship during difficult times. That's kind of reassuring for the rest of us mere mortals." She chuckled. "And it puts me in a betting mood."

Shepard and Liara stared at her in amazement. The elevator door whooshed open and Chakwas strode around the corner out of sight toward the medbay. They followed, ignoring the curiosity of the crew in the mess. Chakwas turned the windows opaque when they entered. She summoned Shepard to one of the beds and helped her lie back before scanning her with its equipment, amused by Shepard's and Liara's stunned docility. _A rare opportunity indeed. _"Ah, that is better than I feared. It looks like a major lesion finally tore, causing bleeding in your abdomen and possibly damaging some of my excellent handiwork. I'm going to monitor your blood flow for a few minutes to see if you need surgery. It usually takes significant blood loss to trigger shock."

"Did I…?" Liara asked quietly, her voice dripping with guilt, her expression one of chagrin.

"I doubt it. It's more likely the result of breathing well and walking quickly, or maybe from some other vigorous activity. And anyway, if Shepard can't take a small push, she really shouldn't be going on any away missions, should she?"

Both of them stared at her again. She waited. Shepard finally broke the silence. "EDI told you that?"

"She hardly had to. This storm has been brewing for awhile," Karin answered briskly.

Liara looked at the floor. She was never going to understand humans, but this one, it seemed, was going to understand her. She felt the doctor's eyes on her.

Shepard stared at Chakwas a few more minutes before clearing her throat and asking, "How many more lesions do I have?"

"That was the last big one. I'm glad it tore here; it's safer that way. I see a couple of little ones left, three maybe, but as soon as you're back in action those will clear up. You may feel a pop when one tears, a little pain, then much relief, I imagine."

Just out of curiosity…," Shepard started, narrowing her eyes.

"Liara, Shepard," Karin responded. "Definitely Liara."


	11. The Syntax of Things

**The Syntax of Things**

from ee cumming's _since feeling is first_

_since feeling is first  
who pays any attention  
to the syntax of things  
will never wholly kiss you…  
and kisses are a better fate  
than wisdom  
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry  
_

* * *

A half hour later, the whole team had gathered in the medbay, where Shepard and Liara sat on opposite sides of the room. All eyes focused expectantly on Shepard.

She wished she had the energy to pace, she always thought better on her feet, but she settled for slowly standing. "I've called you all here because Earth needs help now and ….," she glanced over at Liara, "so do I." She paused. "I've just gotten off the comm. with Anderson and he tells me that the resistance is starting to crumble. The Reapers are there in force and concentrating on London. He's asked us to find out why and to rally the fleets to Earth." She paused again.

"Let's do this!" James said. Others grunted and murmured their willingness. Some remained silent, watching her.

"Our best chance of winning this war … for all of us," continued Shepard, "is finding the Catalyst and taking the completed Crucible to Earth. Thanks to Traynor," she nodded in the Specialist's direction, "we have a lead on where we can try to find Cerberus, Kai Leng, and the information about the Catalyst that we need. We're headed there now."

"Bring it on!" James exclaimed. Some in the room nodded.

"I want to… and plan to… lead the away team." She stopped, looking down, her fingers pressed together. Honesty was the best policy and had always been her way with her teams, but this was hard. "We're meeting here, in the medbay, because I am … not completely recovered, and I need your help to figure out how to make this mission work. We must succeed. Too much is at stake." With an effort she stayed still, and looked up. They were all staring at her.

"What do you mean, not completely recovered?" Tali asked.

Shepard cleared her throat. "Doctor Chakwas?"

The Doctor had leaned back against the lab table by the door, her arms crossed in front of her. "The Commander's body still requires some of her energy to heal. It needs to keep knitting her flesh together, absorb the blood in her abdominal cavity, and replenish lost blood. I believe she will not be able to move as fast or sustain her biotic abilities for as long in the field as she is used to. She will tire quickly and rolling for cover is more likely to make her collapse than get her to safety."

"I estimate her chances of success in her current state at…." EDI began.

"EDI, stop!" Kaidan interrupted. "You should know by now the effect that has on her." He turned back to Shepard. "Look Shepard, I understand why you want to lead this mission, but why don't you sit this one out? Let me, Garrus and James do it. It sounds like if you go, you'll just put yourself and the rest of the team at risk. We'd have a better chance without you, and you'd have the chance to finish healing."

"Hey, you aren't giving the Commander enough credit. She's tough. If she says she can do this, she can," James said.

"I trust you Kaidan, and Garrus, and James, I trust all of you, and would agree with you, but there are five things that need to be balanced here." Shepard ticked them off on one hand as she continued. "This mission must happen now and succeed in locating the Catalyst, those on this mission must be prepared to take on Kai Leng since he likely stands between us and the Catalyst, the fleet needs to know I'm here and still leading the fight, no losses are acceptable, and my … improving state has to somehow be taken into account. My sitting this one out may help accomplish some of these objectives, but only at the cost of others. We need a better solution."

"She has a point about the fleet." Garrus spoke from where he sat beside Liara on the medbay bed opposite Shepard. "I've been hearing chatter. People are concerned. If she leads from the ship, there will be a lot of questions, and … problems." Kaidan nodded his acknowledgment.

"The crew too," Samantha stood, arms crossed over her chest, next to EDI. "They're worried too."

"Are you worried, Traynor?" Shepard turned and met her eyes.

"No, ma'am," Samantha replied quickly, dropping her arms, then amended, hands clasped behind her in parade rest. "Well, maybe a little, ma'am." She stood more rigidly after the admission. "You're bleeding, ma'am?"

"Too many ma'ams, Traynor, and only a little blood. The Doctor says it will stop soon on its own." Shepard scanned the faces in front of her. "How about the rest of you?"

"Well, you did just ask for help," drawled Garrus. "To hear that coming from the woman who stood toe-to-toe with a Reaper to bring it down is a little scary, and … it interrupts my vacation plans. I was pretty sure you were planning on winning the war single-handedly after that." Scattered laughter eased some of the tension in the room.

Shepard smiled. "I didn't take on that Reaper alone, I asked for and had EDI's help, the help of everyone on this ship and the whole Quarian fleet. What I propose," she waited to make sure they were listening, "is that we deploy a large team for this mission, that we practice tactics for confronting phantoms, nemeses and Kai Leng in advance, and that I fight from the middle instead of the front."

Javik grunted. "That I would like to see, Commander."

"Won't the fleet and crew ask questions about why there's such a big away team?" Samantha asked.

"Maybe, but fewer than if I'm not leading it. I … we … could say we're training for larger deployments on Earth. It wouldn't be a bad idea," Shepard answered. "Tali." She turned to the quarian. "Is my armor repaired?"

"It is, but, you can't be thinking of wearing it on this mission, Shepard!" Tali said incredulously. "If Kai Leng is there, he has a sword, and he and any phantoms can slice through it. One almost killed you! Surely one of your other sets could provide better protection?"

"The advantage with this suit is that I know where they will target. The phantom on Ontarom aimed for my spine, and showed me that the section from the middle of my ribs to the top of my hips is vulnerable. With one of my other suits, they might try for my neck or one of my limbs. I can better defend myself knowing where the weakness is, knowing their target."

"If … you say so," Tali responded, not sounding convinced.

"I want to know what T'Soni thinks," Garrus said. "She's been awfully quiet."

"Liara has already expressed her opinion quite forcefully to the Commander," Chakwas said. "That's how Shepard ended up in the medbay today in the first place." She kept her face deadpan as the team members swiveled to stare at her and then at Liara.

Liara ducked her head and clenched her jaw before speaking. That hadn't been necessary; she'd learned her lesson. "I'm against the Commander going at all," Liara said. "She's vulnerable. And she's right. There's too much at stake. If anything happens to her, Earth will fall and the fleet will likely not manage to stay together. Even if the Catalyst is found, without the fleet to protect it, the Crucible would be lost." Liara shook her head. "One more away mission without her in charge should not be a tipping point."

"But it could be, especially given the importance of this mission. We don't know, but the last time the fleet saw her on a critical mission was Thessia." When Garrus spoke, Liara resisted an urge to punch his arm. _What has gotten in to me?, _she wondered as she shook her head. Garrus continued, "Look, Liara, I know you've given this a lot of thought, but the truth is Shepard has had a target painted on her since she took down Sovereign and Saren, with our help. The reason she is still standing here is because of you, and me, and Tali and the rest of her team. She relies on us to make the missions work, to keep her and each other alive, and we do. She needs a win, and we can make sure she gets it."

Liara thought about the Collector's attack, about …. Shepard _dead_, and her throat constricted. She thought about how Garrus and Tali had rejoined Shepard, fought beside her, traveled through the Omega-4 relay with her, while she stayed on Illium or orbited Hagalaz. She thought about Thessia, and about the look on Shepard's face when she grabbed her as she clung by three fingers over an abyss, and felt her throat tighten more. She looked at her hands resting on the medbay bed.

"Hear that, Commander?" James said. "We won't let you fall." He was not concerned. If she could survive all she already had, he had no doubt she would continue to.

"There is more to consider," EDI spoke. "Based on my calculations, the risk of injury is 35% greater than usual for any member of this mission, with two exceptions. Shepard's risk would be higher…."

"EDI…," Kaidan warned.

"I have not specified a number, Major," EDI responded, looking at Kaidan, then back at Shepard. "But Liara's risk would be highest of all. Shepard, given Liara's recent behavior patterns and stronger attachment to you, there's a 65% chance of her being critically injured if she accompanies you on this mission."

Shepard scowled as she absorbed the information. Liara, looking at Shepard, frowned. Tali and Garrus watched Liara. Kaidan and Samantha watched Shepard.

"Hey, you saying I'd be taking only half the risk Liara would because I don't care as much? I care too, just saying," James joked.

"Shut up, James," Garrus said.

"Wait…., is something going on between ….?"

"You really do want to shut up now." Tali agreed.

"Because I thought that was just…."

"I concur with the … synthetic," interrupted Javik.

"Oh…. Oh! Oh…. Wow." James' face ran through a gamut of expressions. Samantha blushed. "That's hot…"

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Kaidan considered sending a biotic throw at James.

"Human, stop," said Javik, looking at James. "The two are joined. It is obvious. You are the only one in the galaxy who does not know this."

"But why? Why didn't anyone…?"

"ENOUGH!" Shepard's shout shut them all up. James actually flinched at the expression on her face. He raised his hands in self-defense, half expecting a biotic charge, but all she did was run her hands up and down her face and let out a big breath of air.

When Shepard's expression shifted without her once having looked over, Liara tensed, knowing a decision had been made. "No! You are NOT leaving me behind," Liara blurted out as she leaned forward on the medbay bed, clenching her fists.

The room became very quiet. Everyone found somewhere to look that wasn't Shepard or Liara.

Shepard gave Liara a long look in silence, her expression inscrutable. "You're out of line, T'Soni."

Another long silence.

"Am I?" asked Liara with deadly calm.

Tali's small gasp was the only sound. Garrus' mandibles twitched. All eyes were now riveted on Liara and Shepard. Chakwas began to wish for a cup of tea.

Always the peacemaker, Kaidan cleared his throat. "Ah, Liara, challenging a commanding officer is…."

"Stay out of this, Alenko," Shepard growled. "She's my bondmate. She has a right."

A ripple of surprise went through the group.

"What does that mean?" James whispered to Kaidan.

"Shut up and find out, Vega," Garrus answered.

Shepard spoke. "I need to know now if that's going to be a problem. Will you take orders on missions, Liara?"

Another long silence.

"I do not want to be left behind." Liara's voice was tight.

"Noted." Shepard said curtly, then took a deep breath and looked around the room. "It's not ideal. I'm not happy about putting any of us at risk, but I don't see a better way, and I haven't heard one offered. With a bigger team, we improve our chances, and will have enough support to make sure we all get back in one piece. However, if any of you want to sit this one out, I won't think less of you. The away team will be selected from volunteers only. If you're up for it, head down to the cargo bay in 1 hr. We will train in some specific maneuvers for phantoms and nemeses and prepare for Kai Leng. Any questions?"

"Yes-are you joking?" asked Tali. "_We're your team_. You need us. We'll be there." Around the room, people nodded.

Shepard suddenly thought of Ash, _"You tell me to kiss a Turian…." _She blinked away the thought, wondering if it was a bad omen. She missed Ash. And … she was the reason Ash was missing.

"For Shepard and Liara, for Earth and home!" said Tali. The others added their voices in agreement.

"Thank you," Shepard said simply. Good grief, she wasn't going to start crying again, was she?! To forestall that possibility, she clapped once and said loudly. "Ok, people, we can do this! Dismissed." She turned on her heel and headed for the door. There was no way she was going to let her team or her crew see her cry.

* * *

"Commander, could I have a word?" Chakwas asked, reaching out and placing a hand on her arm as Shepard drew near her. Shepard grit her teeth, nodded and stepped aside to let the team pass, most touching her other arm and offering congratulations as they did.

"Hey, I didn't know ... ," James could be heard saying as he left.

"You still don't," Garrus could be heard replying.

"I'm not sure I do either," Kaidan could be heard admitting.

"Asari bondmates share a special … ," EDI could be heard explaining.

Tali had taken Liara's elbow and was talking to her as they passed the others, heading toward Liara's office.

Then the door had closed behind them all, and Shepard looked down to where Chakwas was still holding her arm. "What is it, Doctor?"

"Since you insist on going, I've a number of those purple vials for you to take with you, in case you, or anyone else is injured. They should keep you, or anyone else, from losing consciousness due to shock. I'll provide some other stimulants and analgesics too in case you hit a wall or deal with a less severe injury."

"Thank you, Doctor." Shepard knew there was more to it. Chakwas' hand remained on her arm.

"Shepard?"

"Karin, speak freely."

"I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being the soldier with the sensitive soul I didn't believe existed. They really don't make them like you anymore."

"Karin…" Shepard felt her eyes burning. "Are you mocking me?"

"Not at all. I am quite sincere. You know I think of you as more than just my Commander, as a friend. We've been through a lot together. You can always talk to me, if you want to, as your doctor or a friend, whichever you need."

Shepard rubbed a hand over her eyes. "Thank you, Karin."

"Shepard," Chakwas squeezed her arm. "It's okay to cry. They're gone. I've seen you do far worse and not thought less of you. And these days it's better not done alone." She repeated, "It's okay."

Shepard, eyes bright, finally met her gaze. "Is it?"

"My dear woman, just because any of us would die for you or with you to save all organic life does not mean that we will. We've faced that risk many times and we're still here."

"You've seen the names on the wall outside the elevator?!" Shepard bobbed her head and gestured with her free arm in that direction.

"I don't have to. I was there. For all of that. I would have been one of them, if it wasn't for you."

"You wouldn't have even been at risk if …."

"If nothing, I chose this life, and to serve with you, and so, for that matter, did she. But, Shepard, you _were _one of them. I was with Liara as we watched the Normandy break apart, as we watched you die. I watched that Liara die that day too. And she still came back ... eventually. She still chose you. My unasked for advice, for what it's worth, is let her."

"I'm not as strong as she is." As Shepard said it, she knew it was true.

"I don't agree. I was with you while you waited to see if she would ever come back. I watched your heart break. You had been through horrific trauma, lost everything, were in the hands of humanity's worst terrorist organization, and what did you do? What you had to, what no one else could. You saved colonists, won the hearts of some of the galaxy's biggest criminals and of Cerberus' top agents, went through the Omega-4 relay to take on the Collectors at their base, and rescued and brought back alive every single crew member." She squeezed Shepard's arm again.

"I could only do that because she was alive, and maybe could find a way to be happy. I could keep doing what I had to as long as that was possible." The tears tore at her throat but she refused to break down. She looked Karin in the eyes again. "If anything happened to her…."

"You'll be there. It's what you both can do—be there—support each other. You and Liara are two of the strongest people I know. The situation is not fair, but all you can do is make the most of what you have." With that, and a final squeeze, she released Shepard's arm.

"I know." Shepard's hand absently went to where Karin's had just been.

"Now," Karin said as she stood away from the table. "Can I interest you in a cup of tea while I assemble the vials?"

Shepard felt the morning catching up with her and stretched and popped her shoulder, her old habit. "Actually, Doc, I'm going to grab some rack time. Send the vials to the armory. I'll pick them up there. And," she paused, "thanks Karin, for your friendship. It means a great deal to me."

As the door closed behind Shepard, Karin headed back to her desk.

* * *

Shepard sighed with relief as she entered the Loft. The cool dark quiet of the room was just what she needed. She removed her shoes before she got to the stairs, and then saw Liara sitting on the bed.

"Liara…."

"I'm not here to talk," Liara said. She rose and went to help Shepard take off her shirt.

"I don't think…" Shepard started, catching Liara's hands.

"I'm not here for that either. I … I just want to hold you, while we rest." Liara freed her hands and wrapped them around Shepard's hips, pulling her close. "If that's ok?"

Shepard's face relaxed, and she brushed Liara's cheek with her fingertips, tilting her head in for a gentle kiss. "I'd like that."

Liara returned the kiss, stepped back and removed her lab coat, hanging it in the armor locker. Shepard watched as she shrugged out of her light body armor, peeling it off. Liara turned back to her. "Are you going to sleep in your clothes?"

"Ah, no," Shepard reached for her shirt hem. At the touch of Liara's fingertips pulling the shirt off, Shepard's abdominal muscles contracted and she felt some pain, but it was overshadowed by a powerful surge of longing and excitement and a confused jumble of emotions. She closed her eyes and swallowed. "On second thought, maybe I should." Her voice had gotten huskier.

Liara leaned lightly against her, her fingertips slowly tracing muscles in Shepard's back. "Whatever you want."

"Mmmm," Shepard exhaled. "Every time. Does it happen to you?"

"Does what happen?" Liara murmured back. "Every time what?" She swayed a little more against Shepard, sharing body heat.

"I feel..., there's this wave of..., it's like…," Shepard tried, then swallowed. "Every time you touch me."

"Show me?"

Shepard leaned her head in, closed her eyes.

"Oh!," Liara's breath caught. "Yes … it's like …." Liara struggled to stay in control of the meld. She didn't know why that had become more difficult lately. "This … is what I feel…."

Shepard exhaled sharply and rocked against her.

Liara could feel their desire swelling and, noticing that her hands had dropped to Rachel's backside, slowly started to withdraw mentally. As Liara's impulses and thoughts washed over her, Rachel embraced her tighter. Liara closed her eyes, retreating further, faster before she could lose control.

"No, don't go," Rachel whispered against her crests. "Stay there, stay in me."

Liara's breath caught again, a torrent surging in her, Rachel pulling her in. "Rachel, I don't think I can keep from … joining with you … if I … stay inside…." Sweet waves broke over her, over them both, reflected between them. She groaned, her fingertips digging into Rachel's back, and whispered, "Shepard…."

Rachel walked Liara back toward the bed, and gently pushed her down. "Stay..." She brought her leg up between Liara's without making contact. "With…." She bent down, and Liara leaned back. Liara slowly crawled backward on the bed, as Rachel followed her, crawling above her. "Me." She hovered close enough for Liara to feel the soft exhalation of that word.

Liara put her hands on Rachel's waist as Rachel slowly lowered herself on top of her. Intense relief and need coursed between them as their skin made contact, as their bodies and minds settled into each other. "Always," Liara breathed in her ear.

Rachel kissed Liara softly on the neck as she ran her hands along Liara's crests, feeling Liara respond beneath her. Liara's mind swirled as her hands slid up and down Rachel's body. _Oh Goddess._ She inhaled deeply, taking in Rachel's scent. _You feel so good. _She kissed Rachel's collarbone. She remembered wanting to ask her mother about the intensity of everything she felt with Shepard, had always felt with Shepard, about whether other asari had this experience when melding and joining with humans, if others had experienced true Union. She had thought that only possible with their own kind. An idea occurred to her and she dismissed it. There was no way she'd ask her father.

Shepard shifted to her back, rolling Liara with her. "Thanks for thinking of your mother," she chuckled. "And your father. That helped cool things off."

Liara blushed, and wrapping her arms around Shepard, held her, sighing as she felt the sweet waves recede, replaced by an undertow of weariness. She could feel Shepard slowly let go, surrendering herself in total trust as she drifted to sleep. Liara stayed awake, holding Shepard as long as she could.

* * *

Down in the docking bay, James taped a picture to the punching bag. It had been of a scantily clothed man, leaning against a tree, head rolled back, pierced with an arrow in his side. James had crossed out the word Sebastian, written in Shepard, and drawn in a woman's N7 chestplate and lines to turn the arrow into a sword. St. Shepard, the picture now read.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Garrus drawled, arms crossed, after he surveyed it.

"Ah come'on, everybody needs to lighten up! This is just to get Lola to play hard," James replied.

"It's not Shepard you have to worry about," Garrus said turning to him.

"What, Liara? You think she can't take a joke? She can take on the Commander but not a joke?! Come on!"

"I've not seen her making a lot of jokes lately, not since Thessia or Ontarom, have you?"

"She's more of a serious lady, I think," Kaidan said as he approached and examined the picture too. "I've never known Liara to make many jokes."

"Hey, she might not be volunteering anyway. You heard what she said," James countered.

"You really don't have a clue, do you?" Garrus shook his head and turned away.

Joining them, Tali examined the picture. "Oh, _Keelah_!" She looked a little closer. "Why does it seem … sexual?" she asked, squinting. "Who was this person? Does he have some special meaning?"

Kaidan, who had turned away, looked back and squinted more closely at the image. _Yeah, it was definitely suggestive_, he thought.

EDI walked up, looked at the modified image and tilted her head. "I'll send the relevant files to your omni-tool, Tali. That is an interesting choice, Lieutenant Vega. Would Shepard get the reference?"

"Sure, she's a soldier. Sebastian is the patron saint of soldiers, probably because he survived being shot a bunch of times. My _abuela _gave me a pendant of him when I enlisted." In the background, Steve shook his head.

"Might I suggest this image as a more acceptable alternative?" EDI asked. Usurping the files Tali was reading, EDI projected an image through Tali's open omni-tool. This one showed Saint Sebastian reclining mostly nude on the floor while a woman tended him by candlelight, her hand on the arrow, the saint's head thrown back in ecstasy. While they watched, EDI slowly morphed the woman's face to Liara's and changed the woman's color to blue. They all laughed, except Samantha, who spit out her tea. Her face turned bright red as she coughed.

"I didn't see you arrive," Garrus said, clapping her on the back. "Are you alright? You've been doing a lot of that changing colors thing you humans do lately. What's the matter?" He gestured to the picture. "Not the way you see it?" he asked slyly.

"You know?!" Samantha blurted out. "I mean…" She closed her eyes. "I could just die right now."

"Oh please," Tali said. "Everyone knows you have a crush on Shepard. Big deal. Being attracted to her is practically a rite of initiation onto the team…. She's just so ... _Shepard_, she has that effect on people. She doesn't mean to; it's just something about her. And …, " Tali waved one hand dismissively, "You'll get over it." She leaned in. "But … you should have seen the last woman who handled her mail, Kelly, the Cerberus yeoman. She wanted to handle a lot more than Shepard's mail! She was a mind doctor and tried everything, mind tricks, flirting, spilling drinks on Shepard's shirt and lap to wipe off. I heard she even tried waiting for her naked in her cabin. She was a shameless little _bosh'tet_!"

"I'm not…. I know she's…. I'm in a relationship!" Samantha spluttered.

"Oh really?" Garrus purred, his head turning from Samantha to Tali. "I hardly know where to start with all these interesting revelations."

"Start by doing laps," Shepard called out from where she was leaning against the consoles by Steve, eating an apple. "Ten of them."

"You never told me about Kelly," Liara, beside her, whispered in her ear, her eyes narrowed.

" 'It's such an _honor_ to work with her,' " Shepard whispered back, mimicking Nyxeris' inflections perfectly, then said more loudly, "You too, T'Soni."


	12. Life to Life

**Life to Life**

from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's _Sonnet 24  
_

_Let the world's sharpness, like a clasping knife,  
Shut in upon itself and do no harm  
In this close hand of Love, now soft and warm,  
And let us hear no sound of human strife  
After the click of the shutting. Life to life—_

* * *

Flecks of ash and scraps of paper floated above the LZ. The landing team fanned out as they scanned the area, stepping over rubble and discarded belongings.

"Something hit this place hard," James mounted the stairs to the courtyard in front of the facility. They had decided two groups of three worked best. He was second in the first group, Garrus behind him.

"Yeah, but who against what?" Kaidan asked. He had point. "Sanctuary is a refugee shelter." The corners of his mouth pulled down.

"Stay sharp people," Shepard ordered. She was in the middle of the second group, behind Javik. A buzz crackled over their comm.s as they continued to advance. "Did anyone hear that?"

"Yes, all comm.s are down. Something in the facility is blocking our signals to each other and the Normandy," Liara had flank.

"We've definitely come to the right place," said Shepard.

* * *

Back on the Normandy, Tali fumed beside Samantha when the comm.s cut out. "Whatever just happened would not be a problem if they'd taken me!"

"I'm sure they'll be ok, Tali," Samantha reassured her. Unlike Tali, she'd been relieved not to be selected. It had been unlikely that she would be, she knew, but she had shown up anyway, to make sure her support was clear. It was exciting, and scary, being part of Shepard's inner circle. "EDI, can you and Doctor Chakwas still read their hardsuits?"

"Negative, all signals are being actively blocked. It is unlikely we would have lost contact with all of them simultaneously otherwise. The facility must have a jamming device. They will have to locate it and turn it off before communication can recommence," EDI replied.

"I'll be in engineering," Tali stalked into the elevator. After a momentary hesitation, she hit the button for the crew deck instead. Seconds later, the doors opened on a mostly deserted mess. Doctor Chakwas could be seen working at her desk, apparently unperturbed.

Tali wandered past her windows toward the front of the ship. Climbing the stairs and navigating the long corridor, she palmed the door to Garrus' room open. His cot was hidden at the far end and she made her way toward it, remembering the previous night. They'd enjoyed a long evening in the lounge and she'd walked him back to his room. He'd invited her in and things had gotten … heated. It wasn't like they hadn't been exploring going further, but … this time things had gone as far as things could go and in a hasty, awkward, not completely satisfying way. He was always so _proper_. She had just pounced on him.

It was what she had wanted and thought he did too, but it was not _how_ she had wanted it. Ever since, Garrus had been so … polite, and distant. She was afraid that she had ruined their friendship as well as their chances to be more. Maybe he couldn't handle that she'd been the one in charge? Or maybe it had been … too awful? Sitting on his cot, she slipped off her mask, held his pillow to her face, then hugged it against her chest. It was maddening, not knowing where they stood and him out there fighting Cerberus or geth-knows-what.

* * *

When the Cerberus shuttle crashed and the Harvester swooped overhead, the team took cover.

"It's about time they started fighting each other," gloated Shepard. "Let's get in there and find out why." One by one, they poked their heads up.

"Two phantoms and a nemesis!" shouted Kaidan. "On the balcony at twelve o'clock."

"Don't let them get close," Liara said, ducking out from cover to move up to Shepard. The nemesis, spotting her in the open, took aim.

Seeing the red beam angle down behind her, Shepard yelled, "Liara! Get down!" She turned. Liara was almost to her and there was no cover for her to use. A red dot danced briefly over Liara's forehead. She threw up a shield, and Shepard lunged, but Liara flew backward before Shepard reached her. The sound of the shot and crack of Liara's shields collapsing echoed across the courtyard moments later.

Garrus raised his sniper rifle. Another loud crack.

"Did you get it?" Vega asked.

"No, just its shields. It took cover," Garrus said, staying intent on where he saw it hide. "Liara?"

Vega looked back. "She's down. Shepard's in the open. Stay on the sniper. I've got this."

Kaidan reeved the phantom on the other side of the barrier in front of him, and seconds later Javik slammed it. Kaidan shook his head as the slender body bounced 20 feet in the air. _That was overkill_, he thought as he shook his head. He didn't dare look around. The other phantom was nowhere to be seen. It must have cloaked, and it had to still be in front of him, somewhere. He had to find it.

Shepard knelt by Liara, her hand shaking as she checked Liara's head and neck for wounds. Finding none, she got behind the asari, wrapped her arms under her shoulders and supporting her head, pulled her back toward the nearest cover. "Come on, Liara," she said, as she stroked her cheek, still supporting her. Going from cover to cover, Vega appeared beside them.

Liara moved her head. She looked up at Shepard and shifted to sit. Never had her blue eyes looked lovelier to Shepard than that moment.

"You okay?" Vega asked. Liara nodded. Shepard could see a lump starting to form on her forehead. She searched around in her belt and pulled out a couple of the vials Dr. Chakwas had given her and pressed them into the asari's hand. She pointed to the orange one and shifted around in front of Liara, reaching out and cradling her chin with one hand so that she could check Liara's pupils.

"Shepard!" Liara grabbed the yoke of her armor and yanked down. Shepard saw a red dot flash on the pavement beside her and then disappear in a hole of cement as the nemesis took another shot. The sound reached them a second later with a second report swiftly following.

"Garrus!" Shepard shouted.

"Got her!" Garrus yelled, looking back. "You know, you two could always try … what do they call it? … ducking?"

"Ok, people, new rule, if a nemesis shows up, everybody stays in cover!" Shepard responded. "Get back in position, Vega," she ordered, gesturing him forward, then offered her hand to Liara, who pulled herself up to crouch beside her. Vega moved back up the line. Shepard gave Liara a thumb's up with a questioning look in her eyes. Liara nodded. "Let's move!"

"We still have a phantom on the loose, Shepard," Kaidan shouted, climbing over the barrier and starting forward.

"Where is she?" Shepard yelled.

"I lost her." Kaidan admitted.

"Anyone have eyes on her?" Shepard asked as the team moved warily toward the facility's door.

"Negative," responded Javik.

"She must be cloaked." Liara said, stating what they all knew.

"Just like we practiced, people," Shepard ordered, noting the tension, and the team tightened into a staggered formation with alternating members facing front and out in opposite directions. They advanced together. Shepard glanced back at Liara.

"I think she'll try flanking us," James said, stating what they all feared.

Suddenly, with a sonic burst, a green beam shot out toward a pillar on the right as Javik discharged his weapon. "There she is!" he yelled.

Shepard swiftly threw a dark channel at the shimmering shape. It lit the phantom up and ate down her shields, allowing the team to finish her off. Then they were at the doors. Kaidan bypassed the lock, and they stepped inside.

* * *

Karin sat in the medbay, occasionally staring at the static on the away team monitors. Something about this mission left her particularly uneasy. Shepard going was part of it, but there was more, she just couldn't place her finger on it. Cerberus connections to a refugee camp? Something sinister was in the works. She took a sip of her coffee and returned to composing her report on Shepard's recovery for Hackett. Sometimes she felt so useless.

Behind her she heard the door. "Karin," Engineer Adams called softly as he entered the medbay. "Do you have a minute?"

Karin looked up. "Certainly, Greg." She turned in her chair and stood up. "Is this a social or a professional visit?"

"Social. Tali came back, told me what had happened. I figured you could use some company, and she's more than capable of handling Engineering while I'm gone." He walked toward her. "I've been meaning to talk to you, and I wondered if you wanted, what's the expression—coffee, tea, or me?" He smiled.

Karin smiled back and hit the button to turn the windows opaque. "This is unexpected," she chuckled, "so many lovely choices and such a bad line." She stepped toward him, ran her finger along his uniform collar. "You must have fallen out of practice. It's been awhile since you asked after some afternoon delight. But Greg, are you really only offering a minute?"

"No, I could offer an hour," he said, with a laugh, his eyes on her face as his hands rose to her waist. "You know, I'm not a speculative person, or a fearful one. It doesn't take being at war with the Reapers for me to admit that you matter to me, but the war does help keep things in perspective. I was hoping we could get beyond our disagreement. It's been a couple of days. I've missed you, Karin."

"And you want to mend it with sex? I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Though coffee or tea might do the trick." She placed her hands on his arms. "Greg, it's not important to you that we share the same opinion on everything, or that we resolve everything, is it?" she asked tilting her head and looking quizzically at him.

"No, I guess not," he agreed as he dropped his hands. "Given our backgrounds, it makes sense that we arrive at the contrasting conclusions that we do." He regarded her steadily. "Are things okay between us then?"

"They never weren't." Karin answered softly. "It may ruffle my feathers, but it doesn't keep me from enjoying your company. It takes more than one perspective to make the world go round." She smiled.

"You never cease to amaze me," he said, returning her smile. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being you. For clearing things up." He turned to go.

"That's it? You're leaving?" she asked. "No coffee or tea … ?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I thought…." He looked at her, and she winked. He laughed. "For all your highly polished reserve, Doctor, I believe I know your biggest secret." He turned back and gently pulled her to him.

"Oh ho, and what's that?" Karin asked, laughing, her eyes sparkling as she relaxed against him, her hands resting on his chest.

"That you're quite warm and soft…," he kissed her mouth, "under all those firm principles." He squeezed her buttocks and bent to suck her neck, just where she liked, just as she liked.

"So your offer still stands?" she asked, closing her eyes, one hand on his head as he nibbled at her neck.

"Do you have to ask?"

"Not when you hold me this closely," she said, wriggling her hips a little. She kissed him. "There's nothing to mend, only to enjoy."

He pushed her back against her desk, enjoying her response. "And what will it be this time, Doctor? An anatomy test? Gymnastics?" His capable hands unfastened her uniform top. "One of the beds? The counter again? The wall? Remember _that_ time?"

"That was the door, Greg," she corrected him, "And it worked with the guard/escaped prisoner theme. This time, I was thinking the AI core, and maybe something ... engineering." She placed a hand on his shoulder and pulled back to look him in the eyes. "Only promise not to call out the names of warp drive parts, so I don't get jealous." She turned and headed for the far doors. "EDI, privacy mode please. Interrupt if the away team's signal is picked up, if there's a medical emergency … or now, if you'd be offended."

"I do not mind, doctor," EDI replied. "Privacy mode engaged."

"I promise not to mention mass effects if you promise not to nickname any part of my anatomy." Adams grinned and smacked her bottom, keeping up with her.

"Oh, wait a minute, will you?," she could be heard saying, "why you dirty birdy...," and laughing wickedly before the door closed behind them.

* * *

Kaidan looked around the big lobby. The glass barriers of the administrative area had been knocked over and shattered, and everywhere the detritus indicated masses of people. Jackets hung on the backs of chairs, packs littered the floor. He saw a child's doll and picked it up. A dark boot print marked the crushed side of its face. He laid it gently on a seat and surveyed the hall. "Where is everybody?" he asked.

"There's a terminal over here," Garrus called out. "It's got footage." Most of the team converged around him, with Kaidan and Liara taking lookout positions on either side. "There must be thousands of people entering, judging from the daily logs. The line never ends. And look, there are turians and asari, too." His eyes met Shepard's. "What would Cerberus want with a place that didn't focus just on humans?"

"Commander, I recommend we keep moving," Javik interjected.

"Shepard, up there, look!" Liara pointed up at the glass ceiling. Six or seven Cerberus shuttles flew over, hotly pursued by Harvesters. One was taken down while they watched and crashed into the facility far to the left. They could hear the muffled explosion. "They are fleeing that tower."

"Then that's where we're going!" Shepard signaled them away from the terminal. "I want Kai Leng's head decorating my omni-blade before the end of the day!"

Going down the stairs, Vega grimaced when he saw the two shuttles that had crashed there. He went over, hoping to find survivors. The doors had cracked open and bodies had spilled out. Corpses, bags and datapads were scattered over the marble floor. In one of the shuttles, a little boy lay clutched in his mother's arms. His mother's face had frozen in a look of terror, her hands over his head in a vain effort to protect. "I'm going to make the bastards that did this pay!" he growled, banging his gloved fist against the side of the shuttle.

Garrus picked up one of the nearby datapads. A woman's voice composed a message to her lover, explaining about taking their child to receive medical aid. With a glance at Liara, he looked in the shuttle, then looked away. "These people haven't been here long, maybe a hour or two. Whatever's going on here, it might still be happening elsewhere in the facility, and it isn't going to be good. It wasn't the crash that killed them, they've been shot." He set the datapad down carefully. "We need to hurry."

Kaidan nodded and moved out, James close behind.

"My hypotheses lead to one conclusion," Liara said softly as the team turned away from the shuttles, "Cerberus is somehow involved in the disappearance of the refugees. They must have been here before the Reapers were. If it had been the Reapers, there would be more bodies."

"Not if they brought Dragon's teeth," Shepard said. Liara glanced at her and nodded.

"Or if they have been making the refugees into troops," Liara whispered. "These refugees were caught in the crossfire, and they may have been the lucky ones." The team glanced at one another. Grim resolve settled over them.

"We have some casualties here," Kaidan called out from where he and James had advanced into the adjoining room. "Both sides."

"Refugees?" Shepard asked.

"No, Reapers and Cerberus." He bent down to examine one of the bodies. He wanted to see if these Cerberus soldiers were like the ones they had found on Mars or even more husk like, if he could tell if they'd been refugees. Tapping the faceplate control, he saw the pale face and closed eyes of the human male underneath. Deep purple bruises spread out from the man's eye sockets. Kaidan leaned in. The man's eyes flew open and the staccato of gunfire echoed through the room. "Holy shit!" Kaidan exclaimed, staggering back. He felt the shots knock against his shields then thump into his breastplate and side. He returned fire point blank into the man's face.

"Kaidan!" Shepard yelled, running toward him, Liara close behind her. He had rocked back on his heels, then fallen.

Garrus knelt and picked off one of the Cerberus soldiers that popped up from behind the desk. "Ambush!" he shouted. "They're not all corpses!" Two more soldiers sprung up and started maneuvering around in cover to flank him. "I need support here."

"I've got you," James yelled, opening fire.

"I see them," Javik shouted as he took one down.

"Liara, can you give us cover?" Shepard knelt by Kaidan. Liara nodded and projected a shield around them, closely watching the fighting. "What's your status, Major?"

"He got me, I think," Kaidan replied, grimacing. "Can you see?" He pointed to his abdomen, to the right of his chestplate, his hand shaking. Shepard used the flashlight on her pistol to illuminate the dark combat grade neoprene weave there and ran her finger over the area, finding a tear.

"Yes, you're shot," she answered as she reached behind him. There the fabric felt smooth. "I think the bullet's still in you." She reached in her belt, pulled out and handed him a purple vial. "Drink this." She looked up at the asari. "Liara, switch places with me. I'll cover you. Please see if you can get the bullet out."

"Shepard…," Liara began, but bit off her protest and knelt. She turned on her omni-tool, scanning the wound. "It's in fragments."

"Talk to him, keep him with us." With a pulse of dark energy, Shepard pulled a Cerberus trooper toward her and shot him. "James, watch your three!"

"Kaidan," Liara said quietly. "Please look at me. I need you to try to stay still while I do this. Do you understand?"

"Li … ara," Kaidan stammered, his jaw shivering uncontrollably. "I always was … jealous of you." His hands clutched at his side, near her hands.

"Shut up, Kaidan," Shepard said, shipping her weapon as the last Cerberus soldier fell and looking down. "You're not going anywhere. Check 'em all," she shouted to the rest of the team, making a circle in the air with her finger. They started scanning the bodies in the room, making sure there were no more surprises.

"Kaidan, I'm going to try to extract the bullet fragments now….," Liara's voice rose and faltered. "Can you tell me about why you joined the Alliance while I do that?"

"Ask him something that keeps him here, in this room, at this moment," Shepard said as she knelt again and roughly stroked her gloved hand along the top of Kaidan's head, bringing his eyes to meet hers. "Tell me how many Cerberus soldiers you can count in this room, Marine." With her other hand, she touched Liara's back. "You can do this."

Kaidan gave a half smile and reached his gloved hand up to Shepard's cheek, smearing it with blood. "So beautiful…. you know … ," he coughed. Liara closed her eyes for a moment, summoning the most precise biotic field she could. "It was always..."

"Now, Marine!" Shepard ordered.

Garrus came and stood over them. "If you don't, Kaidan, I'm going to have to shoot you myself, to put you out of the misery you'll be in when you come through this fine after having given a whole death speech," he threatened. Vega and Javik guarded their position while Garrus knelt down. "Here, let me hold that for you," he said as he copied the readings from Liara's omni-tool onto his own and held it up where she could see it, giving her a map to follow to the fragments.

"Thank you, Garrus," she said. Her forehead wrinkled in concentration, she extended the field into Kaidan's wound, tearing some of the weave around it in the process.

"Rrrgh," Kaidan grunted as the field shredded his flesh.

"Shepard, I can't," Liara said, halting where she was at the sound of Kaidan's pain.

"You can," Shepard said softly. "You can hurt him to help him. But you have to hurry." Turning back to Kaidan, she slapped his face. "Open your eyes, Major. I gave you an order."

Kaidan opened them, and with an effort, turned his head. "I see … one, two…." He coughed and grimaced again as Liara extended the field further.

"Where, Major? What are their positions? Report!" Shepard demanded.

"One at 11, the second at 1…," Kaidan grunted again. As he talked, Shepard fiddled with her omni. "Three at "AAAhhh," he shouted. Liara flinched, then steadied. Kaidan's head rolled back. Shepard saw the purple vial in Kaidan's hand as it opened.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" She grabbed it and moving to crouch by and support Kaidan's head, popped the top and poured it down his throat, closing his mouth and pinching his nose. He swallowed, and she released his mouth and nose as he had a coughing fit.

"That's it, Liara, you've almost got them," Garrus said quietly, watching Kaidan's movements affect her ability to locate the fragments. Liara stared intently at the screen as she struggled to stay on track, eyes crinkled as she focused.

"Kaidan?" Shepard said.

"Three and four at five o'clock," he said weakly, then his brown eyes returned to hers and softened, then went wide.

"I've got them!" Liara exclaimed triumphantly as she pulled the fragments clear of the now bigger hole in Kaidan's abdomen. Blood rushed out as the pressure of the field left. She pressed ineffectively against the wound with her hands, dark red blood flowing through her gloved fingers. Garrus shut off his omni-tool and reached for a medi-gel packet.

"Ok, Kaidan," Shepard said, waving her hand in front of his eyes. "Up here, I need you to do something. I was trying to figure out a way to do it, but it has to be you. Are you with me? Are you listening?" She snapped her fingers, and he nodded. "Good. I need you to cyro-blast your wound. Not a full blast, just a mild one."

"You … what?!" Liara asked. James looked over, startled. Garrus stopped what he was doing, packet opened. He nodded and put it down.

"Do you understand?" Shepard asked.

"Yes, I …," Kaidan said. "Hold me up." Shepard propped him up higher, and he reached for his omni-tool and made a few adjustments. "There. Just aim and shoot," he said, indicating the button to press. Garrus reached for Kaidan's arm, angled it, and pressed the button. A blast of ice entered the wound, crystallizing around the entry point, freezing the blood flow.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH," Kaidan screamed.

"That's right, Kaidan, let it out. Come on, tell me what a bitch I am, how much you hate following my orders," Shepard said soothingly, running her hand over his head. Garrus picked up the packet of medi-gel and slathered whatever of it he could into the wound, then opened another couple and did the same while Liara looked on aghast.

"I do … hate you," Kaidan gasped. "_You_ _let_ _him_ _shoot_ _me_!"

"Ah, that's not the real reason, is it?" Shepard said. "And anyway, he _wanted_ to. You probably hate him too, but you set the blast." She pressed the supercharging pin of her omni against his chestplate, transferring heat. It had been risky to slow the blood flow and seal the wound with that much ice. She had to get him warm again, to steer him between the Scylla and Charybdis of bleeding out or dying of shock. With blood loss at the wound stopped, she needed to raise his blood pressure, warm his core and make sure that his blood flow everywhere else was strong to avoid shock. That would give him his best chance.

"No … I understand, you're trying to …," Kaidan corrected himself. "You're both …. It just …."

"You're not helping, Kaidan." Shepard slapped him, ungently. "Come on, Marine, be a man! Say what you really mean for once!"

"What?! That is what I mean!" He raised his arm to shield himself from another blow. "Stop hitting me!"

Shepard managed to slap him again. "I'll stop hitting you when I feel like it!" Garrus looked at her.

"Stop it, Shepard!" Liara said, grabbing her arm as she raised it again. She pulled it free, slapped him again, and he unleashed a biotic throw. Shepard flew back and struck the support in the middle of the room, sliding to the floor.

Liara rose, hand pressed over her mouth, leaving a bloody handprint on the lower half of her face.

"Shepard!" Kaidan said, sitting up with a sharp inhalation of breath and straining back to see her. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! It just happened!"

Shepard laughed and got to her feet. "Good one, Major." She prided herself on walking steadily back to where they were. _Serves me right_, she thought. "Now that you're back in fighting mode, let's get out of the open." She offered her hand and pulled him up, supporting him. Garrus and Liara saw her wince and exchanged glances. "Lieutenant?" she called.

"Yes, ma'am?" James called back.

"Come help this Marine. Garrus, you have point."

"Understood." Garrus gave her one more look, then took the lead. James put Kaidan's arm around his shoulder and the group moved out, Garrus and Javik in front, James supporting Kaidan in the middle, and Shepard and Liara bringing up the rear.


	13. Two Machines

**Two Machines**

from Muriel Rukeyser's _Ballad of Orange and Grape_

_He looks at the two machines and he smiles  
and he shrugs and smiles and pours again.  
It could be violence and nonviolence  
it could be black and white women and men  
it could be war and peace or any  
binary system, love and hate, enemy, friend.  
Yes and no, be and not-be, what we do and what we don't do.  
_

* * *

Shepard surveyed the large fountain, an apparent dead end. She was not pleased. Kaidan was critically injured, Liara probably had a concussion, she herself had been careless and could tell her own clock was ticking—_and they hadn't even encountered any real opposition yet_. Medical evac. wasn't an option until they located the source of the jamming signal, and she had to face splitting up the team, leaving the critically injured behind while Kai Leng was nearby, within reach, holding the key to the Crucible they so desperately needed. To top it off, if Liara was right, there could be an army of refugees turned soldiers between them and Kai Leng. Shepard frowned. It had been bad enough to discover the use of indoctrination on Cerberus troops. It was much worse to think of it being used on civilians, vulnerable people … _families _fleeing from the war, thinking they'd found a safe haven.

Liara came and stood beside her. After a moment, she reached out to hand her something. Shepard opened her hand palm up to receive it, and Liara placed the purple vial she had given her earlier in it. They made eye contact, and Shepard gave a snort as the corner of her mouth curled up. She reached out her other hand, which held something in her fist, to give Liara something. Liara opened her hand, and Shepard dropped an orange vial on it. Liara slowly closed her eyes and gave a small, sweet smile as she opened them again. They glanced at each other affectionately, then took the lids to their respective vials off and drank.

"Hey, Shepard," Garrus called. "I think I have something here." Shepard swaggered over to the small console where he stood.

"What's that? Fountain controls?"

"Probably, and there's this." He pointed to a big, red flashing light on the bottom right of the cracked screen. "I really want to see what happens when I push this."

Shepard nodded, pulling out her pistol. "Do it." The rest of the team, following her lead, stood on guard as Garrus pushed the button. A loud clicking, whirring, humming and then suction sound filled the air, and the fountain water level dropped rapidly. Shepard walked to the edge and looked over. A gray ladder, sunlight sparkling on the water running off it, protruded from the cement a few feet below her. On the far side of the dripping, empty basin, she could make out a door. "Well now, it looks like the King of the Bottle Shooters just found us the back door." She grinned.

Garrus' mandibles twitched. "Call me King for short."

Shepard looked over to where Kaidan sat by James. He appeared pale, pinched and a little gray, but awake. She decided. "Kaidan, James, we're going to need you to watch our backs. We can't have anyone flood this or follow us or we may not be able to get back out. We're going to set you up here. If you stay in the alcove," she pointed at the recess behind them, "you won't be seen from the air, and that leaves just the ladder and that doorway as access points. It's a defensible position, and a strong one if we set up barriers." Javik nodded. He and Liara went to roll one of the big barrels over. Garrus headed for one of the huge planters, to see if it could be moved.

"Yeah, that makes sense," Kaidan said softly. He had never known her to leave anyone behind, but they had prepared for splitting up the team, and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep up.

James raised an eyebrow. "We've got your back." He looked at Kaidan and then at her and nodded. "I won't let you down."

"We will return for you. If you face an overwhelming force before then, I want you to use Cerberus' tactics. Play dead. Catch them by surprise, or let them pass and flood the fountain on them. Understood?"

"Got it," Kaidan replied. "And if Kai Leng shows up?"

"Give him some of these." Garrus tossed over his belt of proximity mines.

Shepard studied Kaidan for a long moment. "Do not engage unless you are certain you can win."

"When are we ever certain?" he asked.

"We need to stop him. We do not need you to throw your life away. I trust you to determine the difference, Major," she replied curtly, then strode over to James. Meeting his gaze steadily, she pressed all the remaining vials she had except two into his hand. "This is for shock/serious injury, this is for pain/swelling, this is a stimulant. Chakwas' finest cocktails. Use them wisely," she said quietly, indicating the different colors before closing his fingers around the lot. "I expect to see you both later," she said more loudly.

"What about you, Lola?" James looked uncertain.

"I'm all set. Don't worry about me." She clapped his back then turned and surveyed the area. Satisfied that the two had every advantage they could give them, she signaled Garrus. "Let's move out." Javik took position to cover him as he descended into the basin. She saw James and Kaidan one last time as she swung herself down the ladder and climbed out of view.

* * *

Things always seemed peaceful from the perspective of the Observation Deck, Samantha found. As the Normandy had become more crowded, she had taken to seeking it out whenever she had a break. Now she had it all to herself as she nursed a cup of tea and looked out on countless stars and planets twinkling in the distance. _You can't tell there's a war on from here_, she thought. _They all keep shining as if no one is dying and all struggles are far, far away_. The dance of human drama, her father had called it, this thinking on the struggles from a vantage point that pretended to be outside it. _Well, I'm not anymore, Da_. Her father, the drama teacher turned colony school teacher; her father, who had escaped the Collector attack, thanks to the Commander. He didn't seem so far away now, as she thought about Horizon. _Home_. What a strange word. She had once thought this her main orienting locus in all the galaxy. But she supposed it wasn't anymore. _Not if home means the people you love_, not if her parents and friends weren't there anymore.

Tears spilled down her cheeks. She was tired of fighting them, tired of being wound so tight, of wanting and worrying all the time. So tired of the static on the away team comms, the incessant requests from the fleets for which she had no answers. _The Commander._ So completely, utterly out of reach.

_Bonded_. What a fool she'd been, to think the Commander would ever, could ever love someone like her, a nobody, a geek, a scrap of a soldier. _She might as well be one of those stars._ Her thoughts orbited this one woman. She'd been afraid to meet her, this legend, this hero who had saved her family, her home, her. She'd seen her on the vids, but that was all so formal, _the dance of human drama_. And there was another side to her, the soldier who had also killed thousands, hundreds of thousands, a whole batarian system, and had been in detention before the Reaper attack, stripped of command and censured.

Samantha had never killed anybody, never wanted to kill anybody, except lately, and _everyone wants to kill the Reapers_. How could she even understand what that took, what that did to someone's soul? She had expected the Commander to be ruthless, deeply scarred, maybe even repulsive. She hadn't known how she'd feel about meeting her, much less working with her, and had been absolutely unprepared for what she had felt.

_What I still feel._

She could admit it to herself here, where no one would ever know. Could admit that the gut-wrenching, sex-soaking, babble-inducing, utterly primal attraction she'd instantly developed for the Commander had grown exponentially into something more as she'd gotten to work with her, know her. The Commander possessed magnetism, physical presence and grace, and she carried it, carried her power, so lightly. Her dark eyes could be piercing or haunting, and Samantha recognized intelligence and compassion in them. She'd seen the proof. So many rescues, so much sacrifice, such a high value placed on life. A memory came to her: looking in the Commander's eyes during their first chess game, as she hesitated to give up even pawns - pawns! Samantha never thought twice about sacrificing them. She'd sensed oceans of pain, treasure troves of secrets, deep reserves of strength, and unimaginable capacities to love, even in just the way the woman had played the game. And those deft, tan, well-manicured fingers on the pieces, those luscious lips—that voice! The image of Shepard's naked body flashed through her mind, only this time it was her, Samantha Coriander Cordelia Traynor, kneeling there, making her cry out. She had hoped…. _No it was a dream_. She had felt they had so much in common, that the Commander understood her, appreciated her wit and even relied on and celebrated her intelligence. She had believed the Commander cared for her. She _listened_ to her, encouraged her, based missions on her input. _Like today._

"Do you mind if I join you, Specialist?" EDI's voice interrupted her reverie. "I noticed you were crying and thought this platform might facilitate an effort to comfort you."

Of course EDI would notice everything. "Just crying in my coffee, EDI. It's a human thing. It'll pass."

"I've picked up distress signals from you more frequently in the past two days than ever before. Isn't it 'a human thing' to want company when in distress?" EDI sat next to her. "I notice that although you tend to seek out solitary places, when you do, you always become sad. I believe that you are lonely. I want you to know that you are not alone." EDI handed her a box of tissues.

Samantha hiccupped and smiled at the gesture, taking a tissue and wiping her face. "Thank you, EDI, you're very sweet."

"I do not believe I have a flavor, Specialist," EDI replied.

Samantha stared at her.

"That was a joke."

"I know, EDI, it's just … nevermind." She wiped her nose as more tears rolled down her cheeks.

EDI tilted her head, regarding her. "Are you in pain? Why do you cry?"

"You wouldn't understand." Samantha waved a tissue dismissively.

"Because it's about your feelings for Commander Shepard?" As EDI spoke, she looked out the large viewport.

Samantha stared at her.

"I was there when you admitted it to Garrus and … everyone. While the subtleties of human emotion take skill to understand, human body chemistry is much simpler, and yours has been…"

"I know, EDI!" Samantha interjected. "I don't want to hear about my body responding to the Commander's right now." She blushed a fiery red.

"You have feelings for the Commander, but there's something more, isn't there? I believe I know … what you saw." EDI said evenly.

Samantha gaped. "You know!? You've known!?" Of course EDI would know. She'd have known their scheduled game, when the elevator and door opened and …. "Wait, were they not in privacy mode?"

"They were, but having seen them earlier in the evening accidentally before engaging privacy mode, it appears you and I share the experience and a difficulty in knowing how to process it. It was curious, not like seeing one of Jeff's videos, because they are individuals with whom I have relationships."

Samantha remained quiet a few moments, absorbing the information. "It's not the same." She shook her head. "Your seeing them and my seeing them."

"Why not?" EDI looked at her.

"You see everything, all the time, and it does not affect you, because you don't…," Samantha regarded her mug. "have a … body chemistry response. And it does not change what you had thought was possible with her, what you had hoped for."

EDI rose and went to stand in front of the viewport, her back to Samantha. "How can you know that?" she asked softly. "You assume that because I am a machine, a collection of programs, an _artificial _intelligence, that I have no desire for intimacy, to experience what I saw with whom I saw it, no projections of possible desired future outcomes."

"I know because it can't break your heart! It's not a matter of voyeurism or idle curiosity for me, not about interfacing or adapting or altering code to improve my intimacy heuristics!" Samantha vaguely recognized that she was being unkind, but her pain propelled her on. "You don't understand! I'm _in bloody fucking love_ with the woman, in mad, hopeless, twitterpated love with Commander Rachel Bloody Shepard, the most famous, amazing and utterly unattainable woman alive today!" She burst into sobs. "I want a cottage with a white picket fence and … three children … with her … and, I can't have it! ... I wanted ...," she corrected herself. "And it's just so pathetic that I even let myself dream of it!" She said more softly, amidst sobs, "She doesn't love me! She'll _never_ love me!" She blew her nose. "It was _never possible_, but I believed, _truly believed_, for a little while that it was! How could you possibly understand that? You'd never make a mistake like that." A few minutes later she added, accusingly, "And you have Joker!"

For a while, her muffled sobs were the only sound.

"You are right," EDI said, returning to sit beside her and place a hand on her leg. "It is not the same." She had learned that when humans were very upset, they didn't want someone to argue with them, distract them or try to fix the problem, only to listen. She stayed by Samantha until her tears were exhausted and she grew quiet.

"I'm sorry, EDI, for being such a prat." Samantha finally said as she picked at a dry tissue. "What you think matters. It's just, my own thoughts and feelings about it are more than I can handle right now." She placed her hand on top of EDI's. "You are very sweet to come here to comfort me. Thank you, you're a real friend."

EDI smiled. "Thank you, Specialist."

"Pish, call me Sam when we're not on duty. Once you've seen snot on a woman's face and put up with her while she's made an absolute fool of herself…." Samantha took another tissue and blew her nose.

* * *

Their footfalls made the only sounds as they wound their way through a maze of dark tunnels. Massive curved orangish-green pipes Liara had identified as modified Reaper tech lined the walls. Shepard tapped one as they passed.

"What do you think is in these?" she asked. "They sound hollow."

"Probably not a liquid then," Liara replied. "A gas?" A set of doors opened before them and they walked into another dark hallway.

"There certainly are enough valves everywhere," Garrus said, looking around. "but who ever heard of a Reaper gas?" He swept his assault rifle's flashlight from corner to corner in front of them, the light casting strangely shaped shadows behind the tubes. "I don't like the thought of that. A refugee facility that looks more like a factory than a shelter and bristles with pipes full of Reaper gas."

"Just because it's in Reaper adapted piping does not mean it's Reaper gas." Liara looked nervously back to where the darkness behind them closed back around them.

"Your species talk too much," Javik grumbled. "It could give away our position."

"There doesn't seem to be anyone to give it away to yet," Shepard replied.

"Yet," Javik repeated. "There will be."

"On that we can agree." She took up position to one side as they approached a bigger set of doors, and making eye contact with the team, held a finger to her lips. Javik hit the door release and she and Garrus swept into the next room, the other two right behind them.

This room was different. Monitors were mounted all around the large space, and stairs to the left led to a lower level. A sweep of the room revealed banks of computer consoles and a large glass wall.

"I think we finally found a control center," Liara whispered. She pressed a few buttons on one of the consoles. "We just need to find the power to access it."

"Look, if we do that, we'll be letting everyone and anyone know we're here," Garrus cautioned.

"It's a risk we're going to have to take," Shepard said. "We're flying blind. If turning on the lights brings them to us, well, that just makes our job easier." She walked up to the main bank of computers and started pressing buttons.

"You have a strange sense of strategy, Commander." Javik took up guard to the left. Garrus did likewise on the right.

A hum and the flickering on of lights, computers and monitors announced the return of power, and Shepard and Liara worked the interfaces to pull up what they could.

"There," Liara said, as images appeared on all the monitors. They showed holding tanks tended by scientists. Refugees of all ages were being forced in the tanks one by one and…. "No!"

"I've seen this before," Javik said grimly. "They are turning them into husks."

"How is that possible?" Liara exclaimed with horror. "They made a gas that turns anyone into Reapers?! Are they insane?! I know they've been helping the Reapers, but to speed up the harvesting process—how does that make any sense? And why would the Reapers attack them for doing it? This is horrible!"

"I've found some messages here." Shepard pressed play.

An image of Miranda flashed on the monitors. "Ori, if you get this message, try to get away from father. I have made it into the facility and am coming. I won't let him keep you trapped here any longer!"

"Miranda's here?" Shepard asked, startled. "With her father and sister? That's not good." She turned to Liara. "You were right. This isn't a refugee shelter, it's a Cerberus facility for experimentation with Reaper indoctrination disguised as one. This has to be about controlling Reapers, and Miranda's father must be running it! Kai Leng must be here to neutralize her!" Her eyes met Liara's.

"There's another message, Shepard." Liara reached over and pressed play on the next file in the console's communication log.

Kai Leng appeared on the monitors. "Miranda Lawson is already here. Do you want me to take care of her?" A familiar voice replied, "Not unless she gets in the way, stay focused on collecting the research data. That's your priority." Kai Leng smiled. "Understood." He pressed the button. The screen fizzled to static.

Shepard walked over to the console closest to the glass wall.

"She doesn't know he's here." Liara stated. "She won't be ready for him."

Shepard pressed a button, and lights flickered as row upon row illuminated the vast space on the other side of the window. "I'm coming for you, you son-of-a-bitch," she snarled, surveying the area. Everywhere she looked multitudes of shadowy shapes scampered and hid. "Hold on, Miranda."

Looking out, Garrus spoke, "I think we know where everyone is." He adjusted his equipment, rearranging his rifle's heat sinks for quicker access. "Out there, between us and Lt. Col. Bastard."

"They might not all seek a fight," Liara said softly, watching the husks crawl up the walls, away from them. "Those poor refugees." Just then a husk threw itself against the glass in front of them, looked in and screamed, pounding on the glass. She jumped back, right into Javik.

"It's amazing you've survived this long," Javik said, shaking his head.


	14. The Twilight Kingdom

**The Twilight Kingdom**

from T.S. Eliot's _The Hollow Men_

_Let me be no nearer  
In death's dream kingdom…  
Not that final meeting  
In the twilight kingdom  
_

* * *

"Who do you think locked it?" Liara mused, her arms crossed in front of her and the fingers of one hand touching her lips. "It wouldn't be the Reapers." The team stood and contemplated the double doors before them, the last set between them and the facility's main floor. Its lock panel shone red.

"I'm more concerned about _why _someone locked it." Garrus crossed his arms in front of him, his rifle pointed at the floor. He turned toward Shepard. "They had no reason to expect anyone was coming, certainly not us." He indicated the doors with his head. "How do we know that area isn't full of Reaper gas?" His mandibles twitched. "I'm against becoming a Marauder. Besides ... you'd never win the war if I was."

"I do prefer you on my side," Shepard conceded absentmindedly, as she stood beside him staring at the lock. She turned toward Liara. "Are you _sure _we can't find out from any of these?" Shepard's broad arm sweep encompassed the whole second room of consoles they had found. They stood in the center, at the base of the stairs that wound down to the big doors.

"Yes," Liara answered impatiently. Her head had begun to ache. "I double checked. Please stop asking me questions I have already answered."

"And there's _no_ way to turn off the jamming signal?" Shepard scowled.

Liara did not want to have to explain this again. Just because Shepard wanted her to be able to did not mean that it was possible. "While I appreciate your faith in me, there is no way to access it from any consoles we have encountered so far," she told her, again. She knew Shepard must be thinking about Kaidan and James. "The signal must be transmitted from the main control center, which is most likely in the tower."

"Or in there." Javik cradled his particle rifle in his crossed arms and stood with his weight shifted to the left, looking at them. "We are wasting time, Commander. The only question we should be concerned with is how to get it open."

"That will be easy," Shepard replied. "Easier than dealing with what comes after. If we assume that the door was locked before anyone knew we were here," she nodded at Liara, "it likely was done remotely to keep people in, probably the Reapers they had created and maybe the scientists too, rather than to keep anyone out. It may mean the gas leaked." She nodded at Garrus. "Or both the lock and a gas leak might be fail-safe measures."

"Perhaps you would like to volunteer to check," Liara suggested to Javik, walking back to the railing behind them and leaning on it, "to speed things up."

Javik gave Liara an appraising glance. The asari was angry. _Good_. "My ability to read a room would not tell me that."

"Let's go in with helmets on," Shepard said, pretending not to have heard. "And find out."

"I do not have a helmet, Commander," Javik stated.

Shepard raised an eyebrow and glanced at him. "Why the hell not?" Then she shrugged. "Nevermind, I'll test it. No reason to risk the team." Shepard walked up to the doors, fastening her helmet in place. "Everybody ready?" Her hand hovered over the panel, her omni-tool lit. Garrus and Javik took up positions with good cover and clear lines of sight. Liara stayed where she was. "Uh, Liara, if there are a lot of them on the other side of this door, I'll want you to lay down a singularity very quickly."

"I'm coming with you," Liara announced as she stepped forward, affixing her face mask. Dark energy gathered and grew bright in her right hand. If an army of husks was going to attack Shepard, they would have to go through her.

Shepard placed her omni on the panel, and it spun and flashed pretty lights before they heard a click and the large doors opened with a whoosh. A group of husks on the other side rushed the opening. Liara unleashed a singularity at their feet, and Shepard, Garrus and Javik picked them off as they spun caught in that trap. When the singularity dissipated, Shepard and Liara stepped into the room. The screams of more husks could be heard, then gunfire, and then quiet.

* * *

Miranda crouched beside the doorway. Using the cloaking device she'd purchased from Kasumi had saved her life more than once already, allowing her to slip past wandering husks. However, some Reapers possessed more intelligence and were both more likely to spot her and more dangerous than husks. On the other side of this doorway, she counted several shield generators glowing purple along the ceiling. Their presence indicated a concentration of highly intelligent Reapers who had probably established a base of some kind between her and the ladder she sought.

Glancing quickly around her, she pulled up the schematics on her omni and searched for another way to the level above. Only the elevator. She had ruled that out already. It had been surrounded by Cannibals, Marauders and husks. The doors to the shaft had been forced open, revealing the cables. She imagined the husks would be directed to crawl up to reach the tower. She had to get there, get to Ori, before they did!

The Reaper attack had complicated her rescue plan, making it impossible for her to try to enter disguised as a refugee. However, the pandemonium and panic their attack caused had helped her greatly, and they had distracted and disposed of the guards. She'd been able to slip in around the edges of the fighting and make it this far without incident, but the sheer numbers in the facility proper made it unlikely that situation would continue. They had her pinned at this dead end with few options. She couldn't survive a direct confrontation with such a multitude, and by all appearances, she couldn't move forward without confronting them. To make matters worse, they were seeding the place with spore pods of some sort. She didn't know what they contained, but she was sure it wouldn't be good, and would not improve her chances.

Hearing something close behind her, Miranda ducked inside the doorway and pressed her back against the wall, gun in hand, pipes pushing against her side.

* * *

Liara and Shepard scanned the room with their omni-tools, and Shepard checked her helmet read outs, then both removed their head gear. "The air's fine, Garrus," Shepard called out. "I'm not picking up any anomalous readings."

"Maybe the gas is undetectable." The shout came back. "It would be more effective that way."

Javik walked through the doorway and surveyed them. "They do not appear to have turned into Reapers."

"We don't know how long it takes." Garrus' voice did not sound any closer.

"The door is open, Garrus, if there was gas, it would already have reached you," Liara called.

"Get in here, Vakarian, or you'll earn a new nickname," Shepard threatened. "One you won't like as much." She moved cautiously down the steps to a bank of computers. Beyond them, an open entryway led to the central chamber.

"Wait, Shepard," Liara whispered, catching her arm. "Let Garrus take point. Stay in the middle like you planned."

"Liara, we need to pick up the pace .…" Shepard spoke poked her head into the central chamber, and what she was saying was cut off as Marauders jumped down to catwalks on either side and started shooting. She quickly dragged Liara into cover. "We've got multiple contacts. Marauders above, husks below, spread 11 to 2!" she shouted. "Garrus, get your bony ass in here!" Husks crawled down the walls of the central chamber and converged on the open doors. Javik took up position on the stairs and starting firing, the green beam resonating and flashing, burning the air as he picked off the closest husks.

Throwing a stasis field in the open doorway to hold them off, Liara laid down covering fire while Shepard tried to close the doors. When the sealed door on their right started whirring, she abandoned that effort to move swiftly over there instead, placing her omni against it and trying to keep it closed and to lock it while someone on the other side worked to open it. "Garrus! Where the hell are you?"

* * *

James knelt by Kaidan. "How you doing there, hombre?" He placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder, and removed it when he winced. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," Kaidan said. "I'm okay. Just feeling tired, and a little cold."

"Maybe we should move you out into the sun." James turned and scanned the portions of concrete still receiving the benefit of the late afternoon daylight, then the sky.

"No, we'd be exposed then." Kaidan shook his head. His eyes felt gritty. Every part of him ached.

"I haven't seen a Harvester fly over for a while." James squinted as he searched the sky. Things were pretty quiet. "Maybe they're all gone."

Kaidan closed his eyes. He knew he should think about something other than the pain. "Maybe it'd be better if we stayed quiet."

"It's better if you talk, sir," James insisted. "Look, Shepard left some pick-me-ups for you to use. How about I give you some of them, so you can decide what to take when you need it?"

"Wait, Shepard left _her_ medication with you?" Kaidan opened his eyes, a look of concern crossing his face. "For me? I'm sure Chakwas wouldn't have given them to her if she didn't need them." He struggled to sit up straighter, clutching his side.

"She said she was set, and that this is for pain, this is for … shit, something else," James held out about half the vials.

"Those are a lot of vials. How could she still have any left?" Kaidan struggled to get his feet under him, and failed. He fell back quicker than was comfortable.

"With all due respect, sir, she was more worried about you. Now are you going to take this one, or will I have to force you ... sir?" James could be very serious when he had to be.

Kaidan looked up at James, then down at the many brightly colored vials in his palm and picked one. "I saw you with Shepard before the attack on Earth. You were her guard when she was in detention there, weren't you?" He undid the top and drank. "How did they select you?"

"I volunteered." James answered, taking Kaidan's hand and pressing half of the remaining vials into it.

* * *

"What I wouldn't give for proximity mines right now!" Garrus lamented as he dropped the nearest husk with a shot from his sniper rifle. Shepard threw dark channel at another, Javik slammed a third, and Liara warped the husk struggling under the channel out of its misery. The husks ran at them in waves, and piles of corpses accumulated by the doorway.

"Do you still pity them?" Javik asked.

"Yes," Liara yelled. "Though I wonder why none of these seem to have been female or..." She warped a Marauder as it popped up from behind the balcony railing, "children. What did they do to those?"

"We need to get to the Marauders," Shepard yelled. "Or this won't stop."

"There are turians leading humans out there and a human leading a turian in here." Garrus contributed. "Maybe I would be more effective as a Reaper."

"Reconsidering your options, Vakarian?" Shepard asked. "Looks the same to me. The turians are in the back, playing it safe."

"If we advance, Shepard, we can't be sure some won't get behind us," Liara cautioned. "And we'll draw fire from above."

"The balcony perches for snipers and husks crawling down the walls means there's no cover out there." Garrus popped another heat sink into his rifle and ratcheted it into place, the smoking shell of the previous one ejecting to join the others scattered over the floor. "At the risk of proving your point, I vote we stay here."

Shepard shook her head. "Negative, we have to advance," she shouted. "I'll clear a path. Javik, toss one in, then Liara, cover me."

"I'm coming with you," she shouted back.

"Okay, then, Vakarian, get over here, and you and Javik cover us!" Shepard ordered as Javik lobbed a lift grenade out the door. "Fire in the hole!" Shepard and Liara ducked back behind the doorway as the grenade exploded, tossing a handful of husks in the air. Then they dashed out into the central chamber, taking up positions on opposite sides behind some of the omnipresent pipes, Javik's beam disintegrating husks scrambling in their path. He and Garrus took the vacated positions on either side of the door.

Garrus' gun kept up an almost constant rhythm, with as many as three Reapers falling with every shot. But it was pistol fire from the two in the center room that composed the melody, with crescendos of loud pops highlighted by muzzle bursts. Javik's beam took the harmony, humming and flashing, and dropping husks one at a time. And intermittently, Liara laid down a timpani of stasis fields and singularities, slowing the flow and knocking the Marauders off the balconies. But all of their efforts weren't enough. The Marauders took cover at the far end of the chamber, armoring and directing the flow of husks pouring out of the rooms on either side. There were too many. They were going to be overrun.

Thinking quickly about their options, Shepard shouted, "Concentrate fire above!" And as a thick knot of husks approached, she focused on them and summoned all her strength, drawing her arms behind her and then punching out in front of her. She propelled herself forward with lightning fast ferocity into their midst, scattering the nearest hundreds of yards away with her biotic field. She ran forward, weaving amongst the row of big tubes in the middle of the hall, seeking a good position. As some attackers regained their feet and they and the ones behind them advanced again, she summoned her strength once more, jumped in the air and landed fist first, detonating her barrier, shattering the floor beneath her, stunning and killing nearby enemies. With her other hand, she reached behind her to pull out her shotgun and fired point blank into empty screaming face after empty screaming face, dancing out of their reach and mowing down enemies in a wide circle around her, only vaguely aware of her team's shouts behind her. Bullets rained around her, whinging and bouncing off her re-energized barrier, as the Marauders focused fire on her. She dodged, slashing husks down with her omni-blade, shooting them or pushing them back with biotic melees, advancing on the Marauders, killing everything in her path. She had fought her way as far as the back doorway on the right when out of the corner of her eye she saw a bright flash behind her and spun around just in time to catch a glimpse of a….

"Banshee! Shepard, pull back!" Liara yelled, leaving cover and running toward her. Javik ran to fill and protect the position she had left and provide what covering fire he could. Garrus looked grim and held his ground, angling for a good shot, but the Banshee was moving too fast. It was almost on Shepard! He glanced over at Javik, then ducked back into the other room.

* * *

Miranda held her breath as the Marauder beside her summoned a contingent of Cannibals from the room in front of her. His leg was almost touching her shield. If he took even one step or just leant over…. She stayed frozen, every muscle clenched, as the Cannibals filed past within inches of her.

* * *

Shepard lifted her shotgun and fired as the Banshee charged, backpedaling to get out of its biotic blast. The Banshee's shields deflected most of the shells. Instinctively, she dropped a shoulder to roll out of the way as the Banshee burst into the space right in front of her, but remembering Chakwas' warning at the last minute, she ended up kicking herself backward onto her butt instead and scooting away from the Banshee, scuttling back first toward the open doorway behind her. The Banshee took a long stride. It was almost on her.

"No, Shepard! Look out!" Liara screamed as Shepard's back came flat up against…

A Ravager! Feeling something give slightly as she backed into it, Shepard turned and stared straight into a concentration of blue, insectoid, pulsing eyes. _Oh fuck me!_ was all she had time to think as the Ravager's blue targeting beams focused on her.

* * *

When, by some miracle, the Marauder turned and trailed his troops without any of them having detected her, Miranda let out her breath very slowly and cautiously stood. Seeing no Reapers left in the chamber in front of her, she crept into the room, all senses on edge as she made her way back toward the ladder she sought. Surely they would have left some guards. _What had drawn them away?_, she wondered. It appeared they were mobilizing back toward the entrance. _Could somebody have gotten in? _If so, then their bad luck was her good fortune.

* * *

Shepard felt the air near her turn cold and then puff as Javik threw dark channel and Liara threw a warp at the Banshee. To actually feel the effects of their biotics, she knew it must be close. She turned and saw it reaching down for her, felt its arm on her shoulder, then spun and grabbed the Ravager's embedded guns. Forcing the ends together in front of her to focus on the Banshee, Shepard barely managed to keep her grip as a firework wave of blasts unleashed a moment later. The guns shook, burned and jumped under her gloves as their blasts exploded through the air on either side of her head straight into the abdomen of the Banshee, who screamed the rest of the world into oblivion as she fell, turning to ash in Shepard's face, the hand on Shepard's arm disintegrating last of all. Blinded, deafened, Shepard clung to the Ravager's guns, her back pressed against it even as she felt its fangs grope her head. To not let go was the only way to keep oriented to where it was and to keep it from shooting her. To hold on... she screamed as it gnawed her head. Then the Ravager's face exploded, splashing her with a warm, wet wave of foul-smelling brain tissue and bodily fluids. Its sack burst, spilling its contents. Tiny claws hooked themselves in all over her head, shoulders and neck. She grabbed the rodent-sized bugs as they bit her, crushing them in her fists and flinging them away, but there were so many. They crawled down her face.

"Get them off me!" Shepard yelled hoarsely, her eyes closed tightly. Garrus, stepping out from behind the collapsed body of the Ravager and the roomful of Reaper corpses he'd left, brushed frantically at them.

* * *

"Do you hear that?" Kaidan asked James. "I think I hear something coming from the fountain. Maybe they're coming back." He came from the 'expect the best, prepare for the worst' school of military thought.

"You stay here," James said, holding up his hand in the universal sign for stop behind him as he cautiously advanced out into the open.

* * *

"Stay still!" Liara yelled as she reached Shepard and joined in the effort to get the bugs off her. Bright red blood unmistakably Shepard's ran freely down the back of her head, mingling with the goo that seeped down her neck into her neoprene underarmor. Liara stomped one of the bugs as it scampered beside her boot.

Unable to hear or see anything and in pain, Shepard jumped up and exploded the rest off her with a nova, knocking Liara and Garrus from their feet.

* * *

"Maybe we should send the shuttle just to check on them," Tali suggested to Joker, leaning back in EDI's chair on the bridge. "It could fly over, follow the smoke, see how they're doing…. Maybe ... drop off backup."

"You really don't like being left behind, do you?" Jeff laughed and shook his head. "Look, I understand. If I could, I'd want to be in there taking names and kicking ass too, but we're can't, and we're not. So, we wait for Shepard to take down the jamming signal and call us in. That's what she'd want."

"How do you know that?" Tali asked. "We have no idea what's going on down there right now. They could be in trouble. Steve said he saw Reapers _and_ Cerberus forces in the area."

"That's an easy one. Have you ever known Shepard to ask for backup on a mission?" Joker grinned. "Or to need it? Don't worry, Tali, whatever's going on, it's gotta be way worse for the Reapers and Cerberus…. I'm sure she and the team can handle it."

"And what if the signal never goes down?" Tali's question was quiet and her expression behind her mask unreadable. Jeff could only see the glow of her eyes.

"Then we're fucked." He was no longer smiling as he turned back to the panel in front of him.

* * *

Javik stepped over husk corpses to survey the three of them, sitting panting on the floor a small distance from one another, surrounded by Marauder corpses, Ravager entrails and Banshee ashes. There were no living Reapers in sight.

Shepard wiped the gunk out of her eyes with the back of her gauntlets, spitting to get what had run into her mouth out. "That … was … disgusting," she finally said, looking around to check everyone's status.

She suddenly felt very, very tired.


	15. Down the Labyrinthine Ways

**Down the Labyrinthine Ways**

from Francis Thompson's _The Hound of Heaven_

_I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;  
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;  
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways  
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears  
I hid … And shot, precipitated,  
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,_

* * *

As Miranda approached the ladder controls a soft ping sounded in her earpiece. She didn't slow her pace, but her ears strained to catch another. Either her modified LADAR was just now picking up the Reaper shield signal or … he was here, in this room. And if he was, she needed to know how close.

A glance reassured her that the Marauders were occupied planting spore pods in the far corner of the lab, and that the Cannibals patrolled closer to the entrance. All that would change when she entered the command to lower the ladder, but she had the advantage now, and she intended to make the most of it.

Another ping sounded, louder this time.

* * *

With Garrus' help, Liara cleaned and dried the wounds on Shepard's head and neck using a sink in the closest lab and lots of disposable towels. It troubled Liara how compact, almost slight, Shepard seemed sitting on the floor in front of them afterward, hunched over in her armor. They applied medi-gel and waited for it to dry while Javik stood guard.

"Well, that's not so bad," Garrus said after a few minutes. "But I'm glad I don't have to kiss her." His mandibles twitched as he regarded Liara. "She smells like … !"

"Please stop." Liara closed her eyes against the glare of the lights, her stomach churning. The after-image of the Banshee grabbing Shepard's shoulder flashed on her retina accompanied by its own stabbing pain. She covered her eyes with a gloved hand.

"Hey." He laid his talon gently on her arm. "She's alright. We're going to get through this." She nodded, willed her self to relax and opened her eyes.

Shadows flitted and gathered along the walls in the upper levels. "We must not remain here," Javik cautioned. "More will come."

Liara placed her hand on Shepard's shoulder, and Shepard looked up, turning her head. With a gloved fingertip, Liara lightly caressed medi-gel into the scratches on Shepard's face. Shepard closed her eyes. "Can you hear me?" Liara asked softly.

No answer.

"Shepard?" she asked more loudly.

Shepard opened her eyes. "Did you say something? I have ringing in my ears." When the numbing effect of the salve had kicked in, she got on her feet. "Thank you," she said, over-loudly, returning the asari's searching gaze as reassuringly as she could, "and thank you for killing … that thing," she said, turning to Garrus.

"I didn't kill it. It starved to death," he yelled. She smiled.

Shepard went to the sink and rinsed off her gauntlets, then caught water in her mouth to rinse it out too. She fought back a wave of nausea, dizziness, and weakness, glad they couldn't see her face. Giving herself a moment to gather her resolve, she splashed some water in her eyes, turned off the tap and headed for the doorway. "Come on, we're not done yet."

"If you don't mind, Shepard," Garrus said, stepping in front of her. "I'll take point this time."

With a nod, she followed Garrus and Javik out into the central chamber again.

* * *

James looked over the edge of the fountain then ducked down behind the console. A husk had run out into the open. Arms and legs spread, it stood there, staring. Peeking back, James saw two more emerge, moving with that same strange wide awkward jog. He raised three fingers.

Kaidan frowned. He didn't think he could move forward if he tried. Lifting a closed fist, he then put up six fingers. Grabbing a couple green vials, he drank them down.

With a nod, James glanced around the console. Four more husks milled with the others, before they spread out, heading for the sides of basin. _Oh, hell no!_ He scanned the sky for Harvesters, and seeing none, opened fire.

* * *

Miranda's cloak flickered and faded as she pressed the button to lower the ladder. This was the most dangerous moment. She feinted immediately to the left. With satisfaction and a sharp jolt of pain, she felt her shoulder connect with something before Kai Leng landed off-balance with a weak nova behind her, knocking them both completely off their feet.

She lashed out with a slam, but he got a barrier up in time, and the two circled. Behind them the Marauders turned and signaled to reinforcements before taking cover behind lab tables and firing at them. Miranda spun briefly putting Kai Leng and his barrier between her and the Marauders before throwing a warp at him, bringing it down. Leng became her shield.

With a half cartwheel, Leng circled closer to her, his sword flashing out. She dodged left of the stroke, then stepped in quickly to press the front of her body against the elbow of his sword arm, grabbing his wrist, preventing him from bringing his sword arm back or having an angle to slash at her again. Moving fast, she pulled his arms in front of her, keeping them extended out from his body and hers, and forcing him to run in a half circle around her to keep his feet. Using her body as leverage and turning on her heels, she was the center and he the circumference of a deadly circle. When she'd spun him 180 degrees and off his balance altogether, she grabbed the back of his far shoulder with her left hand and lifted her right arm to clothesline him. He crashed to his back on the floor, losing his grip on his sword.

The sword landed to her left, just out of reach. She wanted to grab for it, but that would open her to a number of lethal attacks. Still, her chances would be better if she got it away from him. Surviving his opening surprise attack had been luck and the advantage of catching him off guard with her training. He would adjust. It wouldn't be so easy again. Before the opportunity was completely lost, she kicked the sword, sending it skittering across the floor toward the Cannibals lumbering their way. He caught her heel as she did and rose, throwing her back, but not before she'd swung her other boot around and kicked him soundly, drawing first blood.

For a second, there they were, Miranda tumbled on the table full of consoles against the wall, Kai Leng crouched empty-handed on the floor, barrier up again, the ladder between them, Reapers encircling them, shots whizzing all around.

But before she'd even landed, she'd pressed the detonator.

* * *

A somewhat subdued team filed into the lab on the other side of the central chamber. Liara could see a trickle of blood slowly oozing down Shepard's neck, and glancing behind them to keep an eye on their flank flashed bright rivers of pain down her own. This needed to end well and soon. For Kaidan's sake, as well as for hers and Shepard's. She wanted to get Shepard back to Chakwas, back to the ship, and to go lie down in her cabin and close her eyes. Garrus, she noticed, seemed to be holding his breath as much as possible, and Javik, Goddess knew he had never spoken much even when she had wanted him to. That was fine. He had so little to say that she liked. _I'm not being fair. This must be hard on him, being the only one of his kind left, to have spent his whole life fighting Reapers, watching those he knew die. _She wished she couldn't imagine what that might be like. It wasn't his fault she had thought his people different, better, and it wasn't reasonable to treat one individual as a representative of a whole race. It wasn't his fault they had failed to defeat the Reapers millennium ago. As they passed a large glass-enclosed space, they heard a muffled boom. Lights flickered on inside it, illuminating the tall shape of a Banshee, reaching out a long clawed hand, and Javik leapt away. A tiny smile curled the edges of her mouth.

Shepard knew there would be plenty of cover, but not a lot of room to maneuver if the layout of the control center in the tower was anything like the one they had already encountered. It would be better to find Kai Leng somewhere else in the facility. She didn't want him that close to Liara again. It would be better to find him soon, too. Why hadn't she'd asked Liara to access blueprints? Blueprints would be nice, and no more Banshees. She hoped none got to Kaidan and James, that Kaidan was holding on. Steve could hover if there wasn't room to land. She would get the Catalyst from Kai Leng. He'd know where it was, and she would make him talk. She wondered if Miranda could beat him. They had to hurry.

Fighting with these primitives was going to get him killed. Javik accepted that. It hardly mattered. Everything he had cared about was long dead. For that he would destroy as many Reapers as he could before he died. He scowled. These lesser species could be surprisingly formidable, but was this really what the best hopes of this cycle had come down to? The asari had so much potential, but she was soft, still young. Turians at least knew how to follow orders. Humans … only the Commander truly interested him. The others were mostly still animals, filling the ship with the stink of their pheromones. The Commander did too, but there was something more … Prothean … about her. If only the Commander didn't lack the resolve to dominate. She was not weak, but she was foolish, especially where the asari was concerned, trying to shield the most powerful member of her team. Cross-species mating. His lips curled with disdain. What could come of it? His people would never have allowed it.

Garrus pondered his father's words. His place was with his people, but he was. Shepard had shown him that. None of them could afford just to think of their own species. Still, he was worried whether his call to retreat from Palaven had been the right one, even about Shepard finding out about Tali. They had a big age difference. The memory of when he'd thrown and pinned her to the mat during sparring arose, back right before the suicide mission. He'd come close to kissing her and maybe she'd known. She had just … closed her eyes and not moved … before he'd gotten up and walked away. It had seemed the right thing to do. Equally vivid, the memory of her on the Citadel came to him. How she had confided after he jokingly asked if she was going to propose to him that she'd just done so to Liara and had been accepted. She was, as the humans say, over the moon, still was, always had been. It had been the right thing to do. _But that comment in the cargo bay. Does Tali still have feelings for her? Is she … settling for me? Am I … for her?_ He put his omni on the lock panel of the door to the next room and watched it spin. _I've got to stop driving myself crazy! Now's the time to concentrate on winning this. One battle at a time._

* * *

James stopped firing.

"Did you get them all?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah, for now." He kept his eyes on the door on the far side of the basin as he replaced spent heat sinks. "It wasn't that many. They must have gotten around them some how."

"We should probably flood the basin." It didn't hurt as much to talk now. That was a relief. Kaidan set the remaining vials on the ground beside him. He'd give them back to Shepard when she returned.

"Yeah, but then we'll be all out of moves if a larger group comes, or if the ones down there find some other way around." James glanced back as he responded. "How're you doing back there?"

"Only if they tried to get back here." He smiled. "I'm okay, I think. I'm feeling much better." He felt almost good.

James looked at him longer this time. "I'll flood the basin. Hang on. I'll be there in a second." Checking to make sure he was clear, he stood and punched the button on the panel, and the sound of rushing water filled the air.

Something about the tone of James' voice and the way he had looked at him made Kaidan look down at himself. _Oh._ Some blood had pooled next to where he sat. _Hunh._

* * *

All hell broke loose as the ring of inferno and flashbang grenades she'd dropped exploded, killing Cannibals and filling that corner of the room with smoke and pandemonium. She got her feet back under her and leapt from the tabletop to the upper portion of the ladder, grabbing hold and climbing up. She'd almost made it through when she felt a hand and a heavy weight drag on her ankle. Miranda cried out as her breasts and hips smashed painfully into the metal ladder as her feet pulled free and she hung only by her hands from an upper rung. He was too heavy; she couldn't hold him up. Her hands were slipping when she managed to get her free foot back on a rung, saving herself from falling. And he shifted to grab the ladder, further relieving her of some of his weight. She twisted and let herself slide partway down, her boot landing with a satisfying crunch on his upturned face. _Good, that should be his nose._ The hand released her, and she swiftly pulled herself up, off, and lunged for the ladder controls. Her hand slapped down on the retract button, and a second later she was cloaked again. She vaulted the nearest half wall without a pause, landing quietly on the balls of her feet in the section beyond. The loud ping in her ear had confirmed he must have ridden the ladder up. He was close, and even without his sword, he was a deadly opponent she had no intention of underestimating.

* * *

The sound of an explosion reached them as the door to the next room opened, and Shepard yelled for them to double time it. Dashing through the labs in the direction of the sound, they reached one with a double entrance, where the distinctive purple glow of Reaper shielding could be seen. Shepard raised a closed fist, signaling for them to halt, then pointed two fingers forward twice, once to each entrance. Garrus and Javik took the one on the right while she and Liara took the other. Garrus and Shepard opened fire on the nearest generators, and the team swung into the room, targeting Cannibals and everything that moved as they advanced.

Liara saw the sword first, and pointed to it. Shepard picked it up.

"Miranda!" she called.


	16. The Old Lie

_*My gratitude to those who follow and favorite and review this story. You grace me with a sense of audience and let me know how the story comes across as it develops. That encourages me to keep sharing it._

* * *

**The Old Lie**

from Wilfred Owen's _Dulce et Decorum Est_

_If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood _  
_Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs, _  
_… My friend, you would not tell with such high zest _  
_To children ardent for some desperate glory, _  
_The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est _  
_Pro patria mori._

* * *

"Hey, stay with me, Major." James knelt beside Kaidan and moved his arm aside to see his wound. Blood seeped steadily out. Reaching in his belt pouch, James pulled out a couple medigel packs, ripped them open with his teeth and squeezed the contents into the wound.

Kaidan laughed. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

"You're losing blood." James' voice sounded strained. Two medigel packs slowed but didn't stop the blood flow. _Shit_. He doubted shooting Kaidan with his ice thing again would be a good idea.

"Shepard will be back soon. It's going to be ok." Kaidan looked down at the blood, his blood, without concern. "Hey, do you mind my asking why you volunteered? To guard her, I mean."

James always carried a handkerchief in his pouch for wiping sweat. He pulled it out now and pushed it in the wound, cupping his hand over it, applying pressure, thinking furiously.

"Was it because you wanted to see if you'd be strong enough to take her down if she tried to escape? To test your strength against hers—because of her reputation?" Kaidan didn't take much notice of what James was doing. "Could you have used lethal force, if you had to?"

"No, no, man, nothing like that. It was because... it was because I saw her cry." He'd not told anyone, but he thought Kaidan would understand. "That day she came in to give herself up, wearing her dress blues. They called a bunch of us in, and Admiral Collins went over to her and tore off her insignia. Tore them off. In front of everyone. And she just stood there. Then Collins ordered these new grunts to lock her up in the detention center, and the way one of them looked at her…. I got myself excused and followed. They were rough, and she was bound and not resisting. One of them spit on her. In her face. Said foul things about her being a woman, 'the rejected whore of aliens,' about having turned her back on the Alliance, but that she wasn't so tough or untouchable anymore. They hit her." As blood soaked through the handkerchief, James stopped pressing as hard. His mind raced, trying to figure out another solution. If only he'd noticed sooner.

"She cried … over that? Really?" Kaidan couldn't imagine it. "What'd you do?"

James shook his head. "No, she didn't cry then. She did nothing. Didn't say a word. Didn't even look at them. I didn't do anything either." He kept his hand against the wound. "Toughest woman in the Alliance military. An N7. A Spectre. I knew she could take care of herself. But when she didn't respond, and they looked around and saw me, they got nervous, I guess. They pushed her in the room and locked the door. And I don't know why, I guess I wanted to make sure she hadn't been hurt or anything, so I went to where the room monitors were set up, and that's when I saw it."

Kaidan thought about how he had responded to the news, about Bahak, about Shepard turning herself in, about Shepard being in the Alliance detention center. He'd felt pretty confused, but like she deserved it, whatever she was. Only a Cerberus-made Shepard could kill that many people, not the woman he'd known and loved. That's what he'd thought, anyway. "Shepard really cried?"

"Her hands were still cuffed, and she lifted them and touched her shoulder where her insignia had been, and cried. Just a little. One tear. Just like that. Didn't try to hide it. I went and volunteered, right then. To guard her. From grunts like them. From the Alliance. From herself, if I had to. It wasn't right, how they treated her. It wasn't right, whatever she'd done." He cleared his throat. "But you've served with her before. You understand, right?"

"Yeah…," Kaidan said softly. "I guess. I didn't always."

"Look, Kaidan, you know she'd want you to hang on, right? To fight, to be here when she gets back? She expects you to be here. Hang on." He squeezed off a few rounds into the wall to the far left of them, popped out the heat sink, picked it up in his gloved fingers, and held it over Kaidan's wound. "This might hurt a little."

Kaidan's gray face glowed with a kind of happiness as he smiled and his brown eyes switched their focus from James' shoulder to look off into the sky. "Shepard's always been worth waiting for." He was feeling peaceful and sleepy, but he would try to stay awake.

Tears rolled down James' face. He'd seen that look on soldiers before. His men. He pressed the heat sink down.

* * *

Miranda counted ten Ravagers, about as many Marauders and scores of Cannibals. But she didn't feel dismay until she saw the half dozen Brutes in the back, headed in her direction. Scrambling diagonally up the sloped floor on the balls of her feet to keep the sound of her heels from giving her away, she made for the central corridor. He might not expect that. With so many forces mustering, chances of discovery for any cloaked person was high. They'd both be rolling the dice. A Marauder stepped over a nearby half wall, almost bumping into her, and she jumped quickly back.

Her best tactical move would be to take out his cloaking device if she got the chance. It would also be his best move, though she bet he would try to take her out instead. Patience had never been his strong suit, and it wasn't her best option either. The next access to the tower elevator, if it hadn't been overrun, was just around the corner. She had to get rid of him before getting to it and her sister…. The tram. That would be the best place. If she could strip him of his stealth and kick him down…. The Reapers could take care of the rest. He'd never catch up with her in time, even if he survived.

As a Ravager waddled by, she crossed the corridor behind it, sliding between it and the next. She ducked under a lab table just to the side. The table protected her from above and the Reapers moving toward the ladder in a steady stream past her protected her from the side. Mostly. Her ears strained for a ping as she prepared to make her next move. Timing was everything. She had to make sure he didn't get ahead of her.

* * *

Reaper corpses lay scattered around them. Garrus stood, supporting his rifle on his hip, and Shepard panted, half bent over to catch her breath, hands on her knees, pistol and sword still in her grip. Smoke rose from a circle of ash and debris in that corner, a silent testament to the struggle that had preceded them there. Nothing needed to be said. Liara pressed the ladder control as Javik stood guard.

Garrus went up first. Ravager blasts barely missed him and he rolled for cover. "Multiple contacts," he yelled. "They've set up a kill zone!" The rest of the team exited the hatch one-by-one keeping low to stay in cover and adding their fire to his.

"They've got shields," Liara noted.

"Ok, staggered approach," shouted Shepard. "Two-by-two." She dove across the corridor and leaning back, took out the overhead shield generator before targeting the Marauder coming after her. Javik tossed a grenade at an advancing Ravager and Cannibals, and in the enemy's disarray from the explosion, Liara followed Shepard across.

"You know, I liked it better," Garrus pressed his back against the half wall, before he swiveled around, sited up the corridor and dropped a Marauder, "when we could get the jump on them."

* * *

_He'd been sitting in his usual chair, thinking, when she walked in and over to the viewport, resting her arm and forehead against the glass. For a moment, he just watched her, standing there in her dress blues at the end of a long day. It was hard to believe it had been only three years since he first met her on the bridge of the original Normandy, tight N7 armor hugging her curves. She was more angular now, visibly older, but somehow softer, as well as more commanding. He felt the familiar stirrings and imagined, indulged the thought really, of what it would be like to take her in his arms, lead her to the couch and lay with her there looking at the stars. _

_She sighed. _

_"A penny for your thoughts," he said._

_She pushed off the glass and turned toward the shadows where he stood. "Kaidan, I didn't see you there."_

_Rising, he walked to her, drawn, as always, to her side. "I come in here to think when I'm too restless to sleep."_

_"You're having trouble sleeping?" She half faced him, her mind apparently still partly where it had been when he interrupted her._

_He saw dark circles under her eyes and longed to soothe them away. "I've been thinking about Earth," he admitted. "Among other things."_

_"Have you heard more news? About your Mother?" She faced him. He had her full attention now. _

_"No, nothing more. Any survivors have probably fled Vancouver." With her so close, it wasn't really his mother he was focused on. _

_"I'm sorry, Kaidan. Not knowing must be hard." She touched his arm. "Until we can get word or get back, you still need your sleep."_

_And there it was, that look in her eyes, the kindness and concern she'd shown him from day one, when she woke from saving his life on Eden Prime. He'd seen it again when she visited him in the hospital. It gave him hope, and more. He ached to have her comfort him, to be closer to her, to know her the way she seemed to know him. "You need sleep too. What brings you down here so late?"_

_She shrugged, looking back away, her shoulders slumping slightly. "Thessia." The word was more an exhalation than an explanation. She closed her eyes._

_"Hey now," he put his hand on her shoulder. "It is what it is. You did what you could."_

_"It wasn't enough. Liara was right. All those people helping us, her people, they died, for nothing. Because of me. I lost the Catalyst. I had it, and I lost it, and Thessia." She covered her eyes with a hand, the other hand on her hip._

_"Someone told me once that sometimes our best won't feel like enough, but it's all we can do. Liara said there was no way you could have known Cerberus would already be there, right?... I don't think she really blames you... Hey," his voice got softer. "Are you crying? Come here." He pulled her into a hug._

_ She stiffened, put her hands on his chest, pushed him away. "No, I'm not crying. I don't cry anymore. Not since…. I'm a Cerberus assassin robot husk, remember?" She swallowed a half-laugh, suddenly on the verge of hysteria._

_"Oh," he tried not to feel hurt at her rejection of the hug, and failed. "I know you're not…. Look, it took me awhile, but I know it's really you. I was wrong…. I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry." _

_She ran a hand wearily over her face. "Kaidan, let's not go over this again. We agreed to put it behind us. I shouldn't have brought it up."_

_He briefly wondered if she was serious about the not crying thing, if she really couldn't cry, even if she wanted or needed to, then reached to put his hand on her shoulder again._

_She caught and held his wrist. "You…. I …," she briefly closed her eyes. "You can't comfort me like this ... this way. I can't." She released his wrist. "I have to go. It's ok. I'm just … tired. We're both just tired. We should get some rest. Good night, Alenko." Turning, she walked away._

_"Good night, Shepard." As the door closed behind her, Kaidan decided he'd invite her to dinner when they got to the Citadel. There was so much more he needed to say to her._

* * *

At the sound of weapons fire, Miranda turned and saw... _Garrus!? Shepard?!_ She almost laughed with relief. _That surprising, amazing, crazy woman!_ She had no idea what had brought Shepard and her team here, now, but suddenly, her own chances of success were greatly improved. They drew Reapers away from her position, and she knew they could handle them. She vaulted into the open, intent on taking advantage of the distraction. Ducking low, she weaved her way to the far doors, where the Brutes were.

"Liara, your nine!" Shepard nudged the asari beside her. "Don't let them flank you!" She managed a double pull, and Liara dropped the offending Marauders with warps as the coup de grace. "Cover me. I want to try something." She tucked Leng's sword into her weapons pack and waited.

Liara would have nodded, but her head hurt too much. Her neck had become too stiff to look behind her without turning her whole body. She threw a singularity up the corridor, blocking access to it from the opposite side and watched Shepard charge the nearest Ravager.

"What does she think she's doing?!" Garrus shouted at Liara, who kept watching, frowning in concentration. "Hasn't she had enough of being up close and personal with Ravagers by now?"

Grabbing underneath one of the embedded guns with one hand and the top of another with her other, Shepard twisted them with all her strength, pulling down on the one, and lifting the other, sweeping the Ravager off its feet, _it worked!_, and momentarily bringing the guns to bear on parts of her, _uh_. Before it had time to shoot, she jumped, landing in a nova, bringing the Ravager down head first and splattering Ravager brains and the contents of its sack all over. Stomping, she smashed some of the bugs crawling out of it before she dove again for cover, dripping with steaming Reaper goo and grinning from ear to ear. Until the sharp pain when she tried to inhale.

"Ah, not again, we just got her clean," Garrus moaned. "We can't take her anywhere."

"The Commander may take unnecessary risks." Javik stated, beside him. "But she has given us the opportunity to move up." He leapt over the half wall and advanced. Roughly half the Reaper forces remained.

Two Brutes came through the open doorway of the far room, and splitting up, started down either side of the room. Miranda chose that moment to slip through the door, walking in through the center, then sliding against the wall to the right. There was no warning ping before she bumped into something and two cloaks fizzled and dropped.

"Ah, Miranda," Kai Leng hissed in her ear as he grabbed her throat with lightning speed and slammed her against the wall, lifting her off her feet. "You won't be so lucky this time."

* * *

Karin pulled her top straight and brushed it off before settling back at her desk. Still no word, just … static. Her unease returned. It had been well over an hour. She was fairly sure the Commander's stamina would be just about spent, and even Shepard couldn't fight off adrenaline and the stims she'd sent with her for much longer. And without Shepard...

"EDI, is there any sign of the away team?"

"We're too far away for visual scans, Doctor. Long-range sensors detect multiple columns of smoke, but no new ones have appeared in the past half hour. It is reasonable to conclude that they must be well inside the residential structures."

"Are you monitoring any other activity?"

"Harvester presence is minimal, and no Cerberus shuttle signatures have been detected. Why do you ask?"

"I always monitor the status of the away team." She couldn't shake the feeling something had gone wrong and got up to prep for urgent care. It was always easier to do something than nothing.

"I am sure the Commander will have the jamming signal down soon." EDI returned to her calculations.

* * *

Miranda clutched at the hand crushing her throat. She didn't dare use her biotics this close. Stars danced in front of her eyes. With one hand, she pressed her thumb into Leng's eye plate, then smacked the heel of that hand up against the base of his bleeding nose while delivering a well-placed kick to his groin. He dropped her. "Bitch," he spit out. She crouched, gasping to regain her breath.

The head of the nearest Brute swiveled on its robotic neck, and its whole body turned when it noticed them. As it took a step toward them, then another, the vibration of its advance shook the floor.

Leng whirled at her, a flash of silver in his hand. She rolled away into the open doorway, evading his strike, and kicked him in the jaw in the direction of his follow-through. The extra force propelled his head into the wall with a satisfying thud. With hardly a pause, he turned away from her resuming his arc, gathering momentum through a wide spin of three-quarters of a circle as she came back around in a crouch, striking her with his outstretched arm with enough force to knock her sideways, off her feet. The blow sent her sprawling into the other room.

A slow grin stretched across his bloodied face.

The Brute, in range now, lifted its massive claw, and Leng leapt to the right as it brought it down. Jumping up, he landed with a nova, staggering it, and before it could renew the attack, he raced toward the far end of the room, evading another of the Brutes on the way.

* * *

As Miranda fell into the room, Marauders turned and fired wildly at her, the Reapers panicking in confusion at the sudden presence of enemies in front of them and behind them. Shepard and her team pressed the advantage, dropping six in the next minute. Seeing the cause, Shepard cried, again, "Miranda."

"I can't." Miranda called. Pulling her submachine gun, she shot a Marauder and a Cannibal near her as she backed up before turning and entering the far room again.

The two Brutes closing in required Shepard's and her team's attention.

* * *

Miranda sprinted past the slow, clumsy Brute by the doorway, and the other up the corridor, easily avoiding their swings to reach where Leng worked to open the door to the tram. Two Brutes were closing in behind him as she approached. She shot at him, earning the focused attention of the one she had recently dodged in the corridor.

"You just don't know when to lie down and die, do you?" Leng snarled as he raised his barrier, backing away from the door. She'd shoot him if he turned to open it, and the Brutes almost had him cornered.

"That's rich, coming from a re-built runner-up." She replied levelly, keeping the gun trained on him and an eye on the Brutes.

"I've already killed you," he said, crouching down, ducking under the wide swing of a Brute before running toward her, barrier up. "You just aren't smart enough to know it yet. I can help you with that."

She almost had him where she wanted him. "I'm not so easy to kill." She circled slowly to the left.

"Really? Check your side." He leapt, arms reaching over his head and his barrier dropping so he could deliver a killing blow.

_There_. She swung diagonally down from left to right, timing it so that her arm deflected his descending blow, metal scraping metal. The deflected blow grazed his side, her force as well as his dragging the butt of her gun against his ribs and down to smash the field generator on his belt. His cloak was gone. The follow-through stripped the weapon from her hand sending it clattering to the floor.

As his momentum carried him past, he lashed out, striking a glancing blow to her back. This time she felt the blade go in.

* * *

_He stood at the edge of the farmland his grandparents had cleared, watching the last of the golden daylight fade from the late summer fields, waiting for her. These fields had once been his favorite place to dream and play. As a child, he'd wept when they'd been sold to cover debts and destroyed to build a restaurant and shops. But here, impossibly, miraculously, they were again, just as he remembered them, and it somehow felt right to be here and to share them with her. Behind him in the woods, the crickets chorused while the glooming deepened among the trees. The sun winked one last time on the horizon behind her a__s she approached_. Her bare legs and feet parted the knee-high grass with the slightest of whispers, the skirt of her thin navy sundress swaying with her stride. He'd never seen her look like this before, so relaxed and happy. She'd never been more beautiful. Her skin glowed with a healthy tan as she smiled and held out her hand to him. 

_"I wasn't sure you'd make it." He reached out and took her hand. It was warm, strong and slender, so quintessentially … Shepard, and it fit perfectly in his. "I wanted you to see this."_

_She squeezed his hand, and stood beside him. "I told you I'd come." _

_For a moment, he couldn't take his eyes off her. "I know." He couldn't remember why he'd been worried. They had all the time in the world now. "I have something I want to show you."_

_She threw her head back and laughed, the sound free, joyful and whole. "My mother always told me to say I'd already seen it if a boy said that to me."_

_He didn't like the idea. The corners of his mouth tugged down. "Well, this is something you haven't seen before."_

_"Oh really?" Hints of laughter still edged that throaty whisper. "Are you sure?"_

_"No, seriously" He couldn't seem to look away from that beloved face. "You'll miss it if you keep that up."_

_"It looks like you're the one who'll miss it," she corrected, with her distinctive, crooked grin. _

_"Shepard…," he pulled her to him, took her chin gently between his finger and thumb and bent to kiss her, the brush of their lips electric and soft. He could hardly believe she was his at last. At last. The way their bodies fit together felt heavenly._

_It was darker when the kiss finally ended, and he smiled down at her in happiness, basking in the love he felt radiating from her. "Any minute now…." _

_"Any minute now what?" Her arms slid around his waist. _

_He held her tightly for a moment. With great reluctance, he pulled away, taking her hand in his again, and pointing to the woods with his free hand. "See for yourself."_

_She turned and waited and watched, and then she saw. "Fireflies!"_

_He sat, pulling her down beside him. Leaning back on their hands, the fingers of their closest hands still touching, they watched as first a few and then many fireflies winked in and out of the darkness under the trees. Their numbers increased until it seemed the whole woods were alive with lights, their branches decorated with tiny dancing stars that twinkled among the leaves and then out over the field. _

_They lay back and together watched the fireflies dance the stars out. _

_"Shepard?"_

_In answer to all the longing in that one word, she drew close. "Yes," she said, leaning in for a kiss.  
_

_"I'll always love you," he said, before their lips touched. "Until the end of time."_


	17. The Hour of Lead

**The Hour of Lead**

from Emily Dickinson's _After great pain, a formal feeling comes_

_This is the Hour of Lead –_  
_Remembered, if outlived,_  
_As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –_  
_First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go –_

* * *

As the team neared the next room, Shepard looked through in time to see Kai Leng stab Miranda in the back, to see Miranda stagger forward and falter for a moment. Rage surged through Shepard, bringing new strength. She wasn't losing one more friend to that bastard! Only one Brute remained between her team and the next room, where her target was in sight. Focusing all her rage, she blasted forward, meeting the Brute's charge head on and knocking it back. Without a pause and still glowing with biotics, she clambered up its spines, sliced its hydraulic cord with her omni and wrenched its head completely off with a vicious twist. She tossed the head aside, and it fell with a loud crash. The creature still twitched as she vaulted off it into the next room.

Liara stared after Shepard's disappearing form, eyes wide in disbelief. "She just…."

"Shepard, wait!" Garrus yelled.

Concentrating fire, they took down the last Cannibals, and raced out of cover after her. Liara frowned as she ran. The pain made it hard to think, but she knew she did not want Shepard out of her sight. On the far side of the Brute's body, near the threshold to the other room, they slowed, then stopped where gouts of bright red blood speckled the floor, making a trail that led into the next room.

"Is that … Miranda's or … Shepard's?" Garrus asked, grimly. Up the corridor they could see the blur of her charging away from them. "Shepard! Stop!" He shouted.

With a strangled sound, Liara ducked her head and dug in, rushing after Shepard, pushing herself as fast as she could go. Javik and Garrus glanced at each other.

"Liara, come on! Not you, too!" Garrus took off after them. "Doesn't _anyone _remember the plan?!

Javik shook his head and followed at speed.

* * *

Before Kai Leng could turn around, Miranda regained her balance and sprinted away toward the door to the tram despite the Brutes there. She had to get to her sister.

Dodging one Brute, Shepard charged the length of the room to the second set of doors, arriving in time to see another Brute swing its claw at Miranda. With a Brute on the other side of her and Leng closing in, Miranda had nowhere to go.

"NO!" Shepard screamed, trying to get their attention as she gathered enough energy for another charge.

Miranda sidestepped the blow, the Brute's massive claw falling heavily against the doors instead. They cracked apart. In a blink, Miranda slipped through. The Brute roared and struck the doors again, smashing them wide open. It lumbered after Miranda as sparks showered from the door's broken controls.

In a flash, the air crackled and exploded with dark energy as Shepard's charge collided with Leng's nova, the massive backlash sending each reeling, Leng out through the broken door onto the catwalk, and Shepard back into the room.

"Leng, you coward!" Shepard bellowed from where she'd landed on the floor, scrambling to regain her feet. "Get back here! You're mine!"

* * *

Miranda stood atop the tram, unlocking the access panel to its controls. The Brute that emerged on the catwalk saw her and charged. She managed to get out of the way, but she was getting slower. The Brute's momentum carried it skidding across the top of the tram, to crash into the railings and catwalks on the other side.

A second later, Leng flew backwards through the doors, rolled back across the catwalk and off it, catching hold of the edge with one hand before he fell. Miranda threw a warp. He deflected as he twisted there. Still, it bought her time, leaving him hanging a little longer.

With a loud whirr, the tram pulled away from the catwalk and started toward the tower. Looking up, she could see Ori in the main office's window, staring down at her. It looked like she was shouting something, but Miranda couldn't hear it. The office was probably sound proof. Her eyes narrowed as she watched her father grab Ori's arm and pull her away. If he hurt her…. Dropping weakly to her hands and knees, Miranda noticed husks scurrying out of the way along the walls and running across the central corridor far below. Blood dripped down her back and side onto the tram. Hearing the drops, Miranda glanced down and then reached under her arm. The wound there had begun to ache. With gentle probing, she determined its t-shape, and grimaced. Medi-gel would not avail her. Treaties had forbade blades with that shape for millennium for a reason. But what else should she expect from any sort of … misericorde … Leng would carry?

There was no point cloaking yet. The blood trail would give her away. She hoped she'd have enough time to get Ori out of here and back to the shuttle, to make sure she knew where to go to be safe. All the arrangements were in place.

* * *

The remaining Brute still by the door turned and focused on Shepard. It charged her before she was back on her feet. Without breaking stride, Liara unleashed a stasis field so big it formed a bubble around the whole beast, trapping it. Shepard stared in amazement.

Intent on Shepard, Liara failed to notice that the Brute she'd already run past had crouched to charge her.

"Liara, watch out!" Garrus' warning came too late. Shepard turned at the sound, as Garrus dropped to a knee and shot, the bullet striking the beast hard enough to knock its charge to the right, so that it only caught Liara with a fraction of its force. Still, it was enough to send the powerful biotic flying against the wall. As the Brute turned and lifted its claw to finish her, Javik blinded it with dark channel. Shepard charged and crushed its metal skull with a carefully placed nova before it could strike.

She knelt beside Liara, who lay slumped against the wall. Liara's mouth was slack, and her head rolled loosely on her neck, her eyes drifting, her arms limp at her sides. Garrus focused his fire on the Brute trapped in stasis, and Javik attacked the Brute behind them, but none of that registered as she reached out to touch the asari's cheek. "Please, Liara, please be alright," she begged softly.

Liara tried to focus on Shepard, to keep her eyes open. Shepard's face fuzzed in and out. She groaned.

With utmost tenderness, Shepard palpitated Liara's neck with her fingertips, breathing again when she had confirmed it was not broken. The same clearly could not be said of the asari's left shoulder, which was noticeably asymmetrical. "What were you thinking?" she asked, reaction setting in, "running up blindly like that? You could have been killed!" Her voice cracked on the last word. Gently, carefully drawing Liara to her, she pressed their cheeks together and ran her hands along Liara's back.

"Me?!" Liara laughed—a horrible, hiccupy, mirthless sound—at the absurdity of the question. She closed her eyes when she finally managed to stop. "_You_, you did that! It was stupid and dangerous. For all of us." Speaking took effort and made the nausea worse. "You _can't _do this alone."

Shepard could feel the asari's pain through the bond. "You're right, Liara, I can't."

As Garrus came up, he turned his omni on and scanned Liara. "She has a skull fracture, a concussion and whiplash. Her shoulder's dislocated and her arm is broken."

Shepard nodded grimly. He started to scan her, and she pushed the omni away. "Not now."

"There's human blood all over the floor."

She looked, saw it, grimaced. "It's not mine. Does, is Liara's, is there bleeding?"

"It doesn't look like it, but she needs medical attention soon, and to be monitored for any swelling."

Javik, having finished off the last Brute, came up and snorted at the sight of Liara in Shepard's arms. "Coddling the asari will not win this battle, Commander."

Shepard ignored him. "Liara, we have to get your shoulder back in place." Liara tensed. Shepard wrapped her arms around the asari under her shoulders, pressing their cheeks together again. "Garrus."

"This is really going to hurt. I'm sorry, Liara." Garrus took her broken arm, lifted it and pulled. Liara bit Shepard's armored shoulder to keep from crying out. Shepard winced in sympathy as she felt Liara shudder.

When Liara's breathing had become regular again, Shepard spoke. "Can you get back up?"

"Yes," Liara murmured.

Shepard helped her to her feet and supported her until she was steady. The pallor behind Liara's complexion was not a good sign. Shepard reached down with one hand and took the remaining two vials from her belt, flipping the lids off with her thumb. "Give me your good hand." When Liara did, Shepard placed both vials there. "Drink these now."

"Our opponent is getting away." Javik stated. "Your foolishness and weakness may cost us this mission. If she cannot fight, you should leave her behind, at least until you achieve your objective. Recovering the Catalyst is more important."

"Not to me!" Shepard swiveled to face him, barely keeping her temper in check.

"That is your problem," Javik snarled. "Tell that to the trillions of people who will die because of your failure!"

"That's your story, Javik," Shepard hissed. "Not mine. Not yet."

"It will be if yours too if you refuse to do what must be done ... Commander. That is your responsibility."

"I know my duty!" Shepard bit off the words she was going to say next, and took a deep breath. "You call me Commander. Do you know yours?"

They stared at each other for a long moment. "You cannot win a staring contest with me. Species with four-eyes can play that game for hours, hours we don't have." Javik said smugly.

Barely containing her desire to wipe that expression off his face, Shepard turned on her heel. "If I want your opinion, I'll ask. Garrus. Lead the way. Let's finish this."

* * *

Henry Lawson was a brilliant man, not a brave one. When the Reapers attacked, he had set his test subjects loose with the command to fight them, an excellent field test of the efficacy and goal of his efforts. He believed they would succeed. With Oriana locked in Central Control with him, he planned to wait until the Reapers had killed each other off, then to get her to a shuttle, and back to his well-staffed, well-fortified, luxurious moon.

Oriana, however, seemed to have other plans. Even before the war had found them on Horizon, she'd refused his training and had tried several times to escape. Seeing the Reapers tearing each other apart outside hadn't kept her from trying again. She could have gotten them both killed; he'd had to forcibly restrain her. How ironic to have accidentally proven the power of nurture. She had not been engineered for leadership as Miranda had; he had made improvements, adjustments that should make her more malleable to his influence and his alone. If only he had found her sooner, had kept Miranda away from her in the first place. Oriana might be irrevocably ruined, and if so, after the war, he may have to start over. He blamed Miranda.

What was it with women? He'd been sure he could engineer them better than they were, but again and again, no matter what he did, they ended up like Allison—his wife. He kept seeing _her_ face in those of the female refugees, as they cried and begged and clung to their children. That's why he'd rejected them for his project, sending them all to reclamation.

A sacrifice. He longed for a woman's touch. But the days of his frustration would soon be over. After the war, people would line up to fund and work with him, his methods here forgiven for having saved the galaxy, his legacy secured in a human-dominated future. His work here would not go to waste. If what he had learned here could be refined, he could marry again, with an ironclad assurance that his next wife would not, could not, run off with their child. He'd be able to have as many women as he liked without fear, to have as many children as he'd liked, since natural childbirth was so much less expensive than the engineering experiments. He could finally have all he had dreamed of and worked so hard for all these years since she'd left, a big family, lots of doting and deserved love. His pained and lonely exile to his moon would be over. He'd never be betrayed again.

He turned as he heard Oriana stir. Without chips or Reaper parts, research told him the best way to bend a woman's will to his was by alternating kindness and cruelty. When he got her out of here, he would lavish her with gifts. He wasn't ready to give up on her yet.

* * *

When the door opened, Miranda turned on her cloak. She was almost there. The couple of Reapers present seemed intent on unlocking the tower elevator at the far end of the room. An outlying force, then. Maybe there was some way to draw them off. She looked around, formulating a plan, staying on the grating by the door, where her blood would drip through and not give her away. He had to be nearby, but he had no cloak, so she should have plenty of warning.

As if at the thought, the side door to the left up the slanted floor opened and he stepped through. He seemed to be waiting for something, keeping the door open. The Brute? If he thought Brutes could stop her, he was wrong.

"I know you're here, Miranda." Leng advanced, leaving the door open, sweeping the room with his masked eyes. Could he see her with that visor? She wished she knew that model's specs. "You should know, your precious Commander Shepard can't save you now. She couldn't even save herself. I killed her, and those annoying friends of hers, when they walked out to get on the tram. They didn't even see it coming. Her legend's over, and you're as good as dead already. You don't need to suffer. Fight me. I promise I'll make it quick. Much nicer than your daddy would.…"

Miranda clenched her fists. Provoking her would only make her stronger, not give herself away.

So she thought, but he turned her way and smiled. He was at the door in a second with a charge, a good guess or maybe her biotics? His nova broke the grating beneath them and stripped her cloak. He was too close; she could not run. She faced him, and waited for the blow.

Not for long. The knife flashed beneath his arm as his right hand swept up toward her abdomen. So fast. She caught his hand, the fingers of her left hand wrapping around the meat of this thumb, her thumb on the bottom knuckle of his pinky, twisting his hand palm up, revealing the blade. She drew him past her like a toreador letting the bull's horns come close without touching. This time, as she let his attack take him past, she spun him around her with extra force, leaning back to speed him up, keeping him off balance and out of control as she yanked down on his twisted hand, stepping in to bend his arm downward from the elbow. Instantly, the joints of his arm locked. All the tendons in his wrist snapped when his metal bones couldn't crack to relieve the pressure. She took his knife as the fingers of his right hand went slack.

As she did, he grabbed her hair with his left hand and pulled down, yanking her off her feet and onto her back to the floor, cracking her head against the metal. He released her hair, half rose and dropped, landing with his elbow on a pressure point on the inside of her left thigh before she could roll. Swiveling her hips, she caught Leng in the throat with her right knee, hard, and he gagged and choked. Extending her foot fully, she brought her hips completely around and kicked him backward, off of her, throwing his knife at his navel. Flinging himself back to avoid the throw, Leng landed on a set of spore pods, the knife catching in his shoulder anyway. It all happened so fast, and after the nova, their grunts and thuds at contact were the only sounds until Leng cried out as the pods exploded beneath him. Then the Reapers at the door turned.

Miranda flicked on her cloak and dragged herself away, as Leng writhed in agony off the exploded pods and the Reapers advanced.

* * *

Shepard stood close to Liara, her jaw clenched. She'd finish this mission guarding her from any further harm. Liara pulled her pistol. It was hard for her to focus, and her biotics were nearly exhausted. Garrus couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so weary, his eyes felt coated with sand, and Javik was grim, as usual. "I want you to stay close and behind me unless I signal otherwise," Shepard whispered to Liara, as Garrus' omni worked on the door. "Do not engage unless you have to." Liara blinked her acknowledgment. Things were getting desperate.

The door opened, and Shepard grabbed Garrus before he stepped. She pointed. The floor had dropped a dozen feet and its overlay grating lay in bits. "That was probably from a nova." Shepard recognized the signs. "Leng and Miranda." Evidence of a struggle was everywhere in that corner. "Stay sharp," she warned.

The team descended into the room. "Head's up on the back corner to our three," Garrus whispered. They could see a couple of Brutes there. The elevator.

"Right," Shepard sighed. "That's where we're going." She pulled out her shotgun. "I'm so sick of these." She motioned for Liara to stay put and for Garrus and Javik to go up the right while she advanced up the sloped floor to take the left. She saw the third Brute descending directly ahead of her a moment before it saw her, and fired. The beast roared and ducked its head, telegraphing its charge. Gunfire burst out on the right behind her as Garrus and Javik engaged another. If the one about to charge her got past, it would be on Liara. That was not going to happen. She charged, exploded a nova, bringing it down, and checked back. Liara watched, her pistol ready. Shepard nodded at her and turned up the corridor to see how the other two were doing, and that's when she heard the scream.

Liara dropped to her knees, her arms going up to cradle her head, the sound causing her intense pain.

Down on the side, Shepard could see Garrus and Javik working together to take down another Brute. It was almost down. "Garrus," she yelled. "I need backup." She squared off as the last Brute and the Banshee came down the steps up the long corridor ahead of her. The Banshee was the greater threat, but she couldn't take them both on at once. She could take the Brute down faster. _Right._"Take down the Banshee," she yelled. Striding toward the enemies, she brought up, aimed and fired her shotgun twice, causing the Brute to roar in pain. Then she charged.

The Brute hardly budged as her charge exploded weakly against it. _What the …? _The Banshee smiled as it deflected the energy and reached for her. The Brute raised its claw.

Liara's hand was steady, but she couldn't shoot. If the bullet bounced off the Banshee's shields, it could hit Shepard, and her pistol would be no use against the Brute. Motes danced across her vision. "Garrus!"

A shot rang out, and the Brute slumped, a bullet buried deep in one of its eyes. Shepard reached up a fist in preparation to plant a nova, but the Banshee caught her wrist mid-jump and held her suspended. The dark channel Javik threw at it lanced over her as well, and she yelled. "Hold your fire!" as the Banshee pulled back its other arm. _Oh, hell no! _She twisted and kicked against the Banshee's body, running her feet up it and wrapping her legs around its neck, providing no purchase for its other hand. Throwing herself backward, Shepard pulled the Banshee forward and landed fists first with a nova. With the Banshee stunned, she squeezed her thighs together as hard as she could and, with a flip of her hips, broke its neck, covering her ears with her hands as it disintegrated with a scream.

"Unh, that's a new one. Where'd you learn that?" Garrus asked with a grin when he got to where she lay on her back.

Liara knelt beside her, fear still reflected in her eyes. "Are you ok?"

"Liara," Shepard smiled reassuringly and nodded. "We have to stop meeting like this." She was suddenly feeling much, much better, the pain that'd been gnawing at her for hours had lifted at last. She felt … peaceful. "Garrus, that was a hell of a shot."

Javik walked up. "There are more ways to subdue asari than by catching them between your thighs, Commander."

A wave of biotic energy threw Javik against the wall. Liara's good arm trembled as she held him there.

"Awww, is the honeymoon over?" Garrus quipped.

Shepard sat up and looked between the two. "We'll _talk _about this later. Liara, let him go."

In the silence that followed, they all heard the elevator ding.

* * *

Miranda hit Leng with a warp and emptied a clip in his face when the elevator doors opened. It was her last chance to stop him before he reached her sister, and it failed. His charge deflected the shots, swept him over the desk where she'd taken cover, and knocked her back against the wall. Before she could roll away, he caught her hair and dragged her by it backwards into main control room. Her hands instinctively clutched at his hand as she sought to use her upper body strength to relieve some of the pain. She couldn't get her one good leg under her to take her weight off her scalp.

"Miri!" Oriana cried as she saw her sister dragged into the room. She started toward her, her eyes filling with tears at witnessing her sister's pain. With a strong backhand, Henry Lawson knocked her into some desks and to the floor before she could take two steps.

"I'll kill you for that, you bastard!" Miranda spat at him, struggling even harder to get free. If only she still had the knife, she'd cut herself free of Leng's grip and stab the monster.

"Charming as ever, I see," her father replied. He looked at Leng. "It took you long enough. Let's get out of here. Just me and…," he gestured at Oriana, "this one. You can do whatever you like with … _her_." His voice dripped with disgust, and he didn't even bother to look at Miranda again.

Leng wrenched Miranda up, tore the pistol out of her hand and tossed it into the far corner. With a swift knee to her solar plexus, he dropped her. She curled up, unable to breathe. "Where's the research data?" he asked as he turned to the other man, who had taken a step back.

"It's on my omni. We can go." Henry Lawson shifted his weight uncomfortably. He'd been waiting so long that now, with the end in sight, any further delay was unbearable. He wanted out, and away from the Reapers and Miranda. He didn't like to be reminded of his mistakes.

"We can't leave any copies behind." Leng strode to the main console and activated it, searching for and deleting the files.

"I understand. Of course not." He watched the assassin, his uneasiness growing. Something seemed off, and the man was bleeding, from his nose, mouth, shoulder and back. "You're injured."

Oriana's and Miranda's eyes met from where each had fallen. Miranda's face was pinched with pain as she tried to catch her breath. Oriana's was pinched with concern and fear. Miranda looked at her sister, then the pistol, which had landed not far from her. Oriana's eyes widened. Miranda nodded, her eyes pleading.

"Yes," Leng snarled, grimacing. The relevant files were all wiped. Now to finish the job. A few quick steps carried him back to Miranda's side. "And I never properly …" His foot lashed out, caught her chin, knocking her head back, before he placed his foot over her neck. "… thanked her."

"Thank me instead," Shepard purred, her pistol drawn and steady as it aimed at him. Liara, Garrus and Javik stepped through the opened door behind her, fanning out, all likewise ready. "I insist." Her tone and bared teeth sent chills down Liara's back. There was no mistaking the threat, or its deadliness. The Reaper fluids and tissue that had dried on her face made her appear even more terrifying.

Leng spun around as Oriana lifted her sister's heavy gun and shot twice, missing Leng altogether but grazing her father, and distracting Shepard enough that Leng had the chance to rip Henry's omni off his arm, break the nearest window with a warp, and charge out and away.

Shepard dashed to the shattered window. Leng was still in view. He had landed in the central chamber far below and was running. One charge, and she would have him.

"Don't let him take her." Miranda pleaded. Miranda, who never pleaded. "Shepard…."

Glancing back in the room, Shepard saw Miranda's father now had the pistol and was holding Oriana as his hostage and shield. She took in Miranda, unable to rise and bleeding on the floor, Liara, whose pain and exhaustion she could feel, angling for a shot, and Garrus and Javik, clearly weary, shuffling as they moved toward him. If she charged Leng, she'd be leaving them all to their fates. They would prevail, she did not doubt, but Henry Lawson might manage to take one of them down before she could make it back. It wasn't really a choice. Gritting her teeth in frustration, she turned and trained her pistol back on Henry.

"Excellent timing, Commander. I believe that man wanted to kill me. You're going to get me off this rock." He backed against the glass, keeping Oriana pressed tightly against him. None of them could get a clear shot.

"You must get that a lot." Shepard walked slowly sideways. She wanted to get between him and Miranda, his most likely target.

"Can you believe she tried to shoot me?" He tightened his arm around Oriana, keeping his gun pointed at her head. "Miranda's poisonous influence, no doubt."

"Aww, I'm sorry she missed." She stopped. "I won't."

"Be reasonable, we can make a deal. Let me go, and you can keep Miranda." Lawson struggled to keep all of them in sight as they moved. Watching Garrus adjust his scope made him nervous, his voice becoming higher and faster as a result. "Call them off, or Oriana dies."

"Ok, relax. Tell you what. You let her go, and I'll let you live." Shepard looked like the embodiment of doom, standing there.

"That's asking a lot." Lawson's eyes shifted nervously back and forth among all the guns pointing at him. "How do I even know you'll keep your word?"

"You don't, but it's the best and last chance you're going to get." Shepard's voice had gotten lower. "I'm going to count to three before I drill you between the eyes. One…."

"Ok, ok," Lawson pushed Oriana away from him, took his finger off the trigger, and pointed the gun up. Miranda let out her breath. Using the nearest desk, she shakily pulled herself up on her good leg as her father said, "We have a deal."

With a blast of biotic energy, Miranda knocked him back through the window. "No deal," she said, as he screamed and fell to his death. Miranda slumped down on the desk.

Ori ran over. "Miri!" she embraced her. "Are you ok?"

Miranda held her tightly. "I will be."

Shepard turned to her team. "Check the computers. Get the jamming signal down, then see what you can find." They set to work, stepping away and talking softly among themselves to give the Lawson sisters some privacy.

"I tried to warn people about this place," Ori sobbed. "But he blocked the message, and so many came, so many."

"I'm so sorry you had to see any of this, I'm so sorry." Tears ran down Miranda's face. "I'll take you some place safe, far away from here."

"You can take her there on the Normandy," Shepard said as she approached the two. "About your father…."

"I'm glad he's gone. I'm sorry if that sounds cold. We're finally free." She turned and met Shepard's eyes, a look of vulnerability briefly crossing her face as she did. "I've a shuttle waiting for us, and everything in place. We'll be fine."

"You're badly injured, and for all we know, Leng will be waiting at your shuttle." Shepard didn't even blink. "You're coming with me."

Miranda recognized that look. "I don't think that's a good idea," she tried, but her inability to hold herself up worked against her. Shepard caught her as she stumbled and fell and held her. Ori looked at the two and stepped back, going over to a console.

"I think Miranda is right." Liara said quietly from where she had joined them. "The Normandy is an Alliance ship now, and she's viewed as a traitor. You can't give her access."

"Shepard, the jamming signal is offline." Garrus announced from beside the main console, where he had begun to search for clues to Cerberus' location.

"Ok people, let's make sure everyone knows about this place, and get the information we need." She made no move to release Miranda, who had no fight left in her. Shepard looked at Liara. "She's coming with us." After she helped Miranda to a seat on a nearby desk at Liara's prompting, she kept a hand on Miranda's shoulder as she took a step and half turned away. "Normandy, do you copy?"

"We read you, Commander." EDI's voice had never sounded so sweet to Shepard before.

"EDI, we need emergency medical evac. and pickup. Lock in on Major Alenko's location, and have Lieutenant Cortez extract him and Lieutenant Vega, then come get us from the tower." She was dying for a shower, and to lie down. "I've had enough of this place."

"Medical evac. and pickup enroute. Be advised that the chief medical officer is aboard, and that she has invoked Statute 64.17A to route the shuttle to the tower first."

"Negative." Shepard shook her head and frowned. "Kaidan is priority one." As Shepard spoke, Liara placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder, sadness in her eyes. Miranda looked up.

A silence. "According to Statute 64.17A, the chief medical officer has the right to decide triage even in combat situations, Commander."

"Tell the Doctor she damn well better see to Kaidan first…." Garrus stopped typing and looked over.

"Commander." EDI's voice became more subdued, almost apologetic. "The doctor prioritizes care to those who can still be saved."

The truth began to dawn on Shepard. She looked down at her body, her empty hands, aware that she didn't really feel it or them anymore, just … a buzzing in her ears.

* * *

*_Longest chapter yet-and all the good bits I dedicate to cerulean1 and owelpost for their encouragement and support, including all their comments, nudging and toe-tapping. Thank you!_


	18. Throat, Eye, and Knucklebone

**Cliffside**

from Margaret Atwood's _Variations on the Word Love_

_Then there's the two_  
_of us. This word_  
_is far too short for us, it has only…_  
_silence, a mouth that says_  
_O again and again in wonder_  
_and pain, a breath, a finger_  
_grip on a cliffside. You can_  
_hold on or let go._

* * *

Liara stared wildly about, breathing rapidly, her mouth working but no sound coming out. Everyone watched her. Hearing the normally poised asari scream had been universally unsettling.

"Calm down, Liara," Chakwas admonished. "You're en route to the Normandy. Do you hear me?"

Liara's gaze fell on Shepard's, then Kaidan's, still form. She swallowed hard.

"Liara, report!" Chakwas insisted, and Liara met her gaze across Shepard's body.

"Yes." Liara grimaced and leaned back next to Garrus, closing her eyes. "I'm fine."

"Don't!" Chakwas said crisply. "You must keep your eyes open and stay awake, if you can. Do you understand?"

Liara opened her eyes and stared at the floor where Chakwas knelt. "Yes." She couldn't bear to look at Shepard's gray face with the memory of the meld still fresh in her mind.

"That was a very foolish thing you did." Chakwas scolded her. "You're in no condition to meld. Don't do it again. It could kill you both."

Liara began to feel annoyed. Looking Chakwas in the eye, she scowled, pursed her lips, and in her best Shepard imitation, said, "Noted."

Chakwas gave the ghost of a smile. "Good." She turned back to reading Shepard's scans. This was a puzzle she must figure out. With a flick, she dispatched Shepard's health records from Ontarom to the present, turning to Miranda afterward. "Can you be ready to consult in 15?"

Miranda nodded.

* * *

An honor guard of six officers in dress blues, male and female, stood at attention as the shuttle door opened. They saluted and waited until Shepard's litter was carried through their ranks, Chakwas following, and then, to Liara's surprise, waited for her to follow it too, maintaining the salute until she had passed. As she stood by her bondmate's body in the elevator, she raised her hand to her throat as she saw the honor guard drape an Alliance flag over Kaidan's body before the elevator doors closed.

Up in the medbay, after the medics had placed Shepard on the surgery table at the far end, one of them went to Liara and indicated that she should settle on the biobed opposite. The medic hooked her up to the bed's monitors and worked on getting her armor off her left shoulder while she focused on Shepard. It felt unreal that it had been less than half a day since she had sat across from Shepard on these very beds before the mission debrief with the rest of the team.

Kaidan's body was brought in and laid on the biobed farthest from Liara, the flag removed, folded into a triangle and placed in the cradle of his arms, which they had crossed over his waist. After one glance, Liara returned her focus to what was happening with Shepard. The medic assisting Chakwas had removed the blanket and was peeling away Shepard's underarmor, while Chakwas set up another blood bag and saline drip.

When Miranda was carried in next, her sister close behind, the transfusion between the two still underway, Liara noticed how much paler Miranda appeared than she had in the shuttle. The medics set Miranda up on the surgery table next to Shepard. Oriana sat on the side opposite.

Chakwas scanned Shepard with the more sensitive devices of the medbay. So much blood filled Shepard's abdomen that it was hard for Chakwas to get a definite reading on possible sources even with the better equipment. The transfusion had not substantially increased Shepard's blood volume or blood pressure, and without a better sense of the cause for the bleeds, Chakwas was concerned. Going in blind with a patient who had so little time…. The device detected no foreign object. Maybe some sliver of the blade had fragmented and she'd missed it? No, the metal would register on the scanners, even minute shrapnel did, and anything that small surely would not have this effect. Shepard seemed to be bleeding from everywhere. Could something have coated the blade? Some chemical agents designed to have this effect? She scanned again for a wider range of foreign materials, physical and chemical, and the report still came back reading only Shepard's flesh. Agents would explain the bleeding, perhaps, but not all the readings.

"Did you determine any source for her bleeds, Miranda?" she asked, turning to the woman behind her.

"No, not from what you sent me. What medications, if any, has she been on since the stabbing?" Ignoring her own pain, Miranda remained briskly professional.

"A combination of adrenaline, caffeine and supranatholine." Chakwas ran the sterilizer, and slipped a surgical robe over her uniform, letting a medic glove her.

"That kind of kick could account for the increased flow. What was the dosage?" Miranda watched Chakwas prepping with a frown. "You could use menzapedrine in combination with zoracal to slow her blood loss."

"Negative, I can't risk lowering her blood pressure any more at this point. The scans record her at 38% loss with her pressure already at critical. There's no time. I'm going in."

"You can't do that! No one has survived past 40%; you have no margin for surgery. You have to get her numbers up first." Miranda sat up and swung her legs over the side of the surgery bed.

"There's no way to get her numbers up except by finding the source. The transfusion joined the blood already pooling in her abdomen as far as I can determine. If I wait, it will be too late. I'm not losing her!" Chakwas nodded to her attendant, who slipped a surgical headlamp with a magnifier and scanner around her head, and she turned back to Shepard. "Now lie back down!"

"No, I won't let you do this! Karin, stop!" Miranda struggled to her feet, forgetting her injured leg. It gave out, and she pitched forward, catching herself on the side of Shepard's table, the transfusion tube pulling tight. Oriana made a small sound as it pinched, her eyes intent on the drama between her sister and the doctor. "You'll kill her!"

Liara watched, upset by what she'd heard and by Miranda's loss of aplomb. Her eyes narrowed at the display of emotional attachment to her bondmate. She wished she had her biotics to help settle this, but between the mission and the meld, her wounds and her fears, she was wiped out. Despite the pain, she had to think, to stay conscious, to be Shepard's lifeline. "Karin," she interjected. "I want to hear what Miranda has to say." The medic attending her tightened the brace setting her break as she spoke, and she stopped with a gasp, her eyes drifting back to Shepard. The lights over Shepard's body shone so brightly, they reflected with a glare off the pallor of her skin. Shepard and Kaidan both lay so still, it pressed on Liara's heart. She felt so helpless. Part of Shepard longed to die.

"Do I need to remove you both from my medbay?" Chakwas' unflappability slipped under her own terrible sense of frustration. "This is not a democracy. We are not going to vote. I asked for a consult, nothing more. Now move away so I can do my job and save Shepard's life!"

"Then let me consult! Five minutes. Give me that." Miranda's hand glowed in warning as the attending approached her.

Chakwas scowled, and waved the attending back. Keeping her gloved hands in front of her, scalpel still in her grasp, she turned to Miranda. "You have three. Make it fast. And if you don't get out of my way after that or threaten any member of this crew again, I will have you forcibly removed and you and your sister confined under guard!"

As the attending backed away, Miranda let the dark energy dissipate and used both hands to help prop herself up against Shepard's table. "You noted the presence of lesions, a few significant, in post-op examinations. Their persistence seems curious. Can you tell me more about them?"

"There were about seven darker folds of various sizes around the wound site that were consistent with…" Chakwas' head lamp shone into Miranda's eyes as she spoke to her.

Miranda squinted, turned her head and kept her eyes on Shepard. "These were only around the wound site, not the incisions?" Miranda was having difficulty holding herself up as her strength ebbed.

"Yes, but…" Chakwas snapped. She did not like to be interrupted.

"And did you record these more than once?" Miranda kept her tone even.

"Yes." Chakwas felt her anger fading as she noticed Miranda struggling to stay upright.

"The files you sent me only showed a scan from earlier today and the one from the shuttle, but they were by different scanners. May I please see all the scans from all sources for comparison?" Miranda looked like she was about to fall.

Chakwas put down the scalpel and tore off one of her gloves. Pulling her arm out of the robe to access her omni, she ported all relevant scans from it to join the medbay ones on the monitor at her desk. Then, pulling off the other glove and placing it and her robe over Shepard's abdomen, she wrapped her arm around Miranda's waist and helped her to the desk chair. Keeping her hand on Miranda's shoulder to make sure she didn't faint out of it, Chakwas pulled up the files with her free hand, compiling them. She gestured for the attending to stop the transfusion between Miranda and Oriana, and to come help her.

Liara fought a sense of desperation at the delay, even though she had supported it. The medic dressing her wound had put her injured arm in a sling and strapped it to her side to take its weight off her shoulder. Now he positioned and switched on the regen. accelerator attached to the bed, while Miranda scrolled through the files, adjusting and overlaying the images to note changes over time.

Whatever the darker patches were had altered in position, at first slightly, and then between the image before the mission and the one after, to a much greater extent. Looked at this way, altogether instead of piecemeal, it was clear that whatever they were, they couldn't be lesions.

Watching, Chakwas frowned. "Could the nanites be…?"

"No." Miranda shook her head and flipped among the images again. Liara closed her eyes.

"How can you be sure? It's possible that they are…"

"No, it's not. Nanites wouldn't create anything that would look like this. They repair damaged tissue, but do not create new structures. Whatever is causing the damage has a structure. Look." She pointed to the edge around where the blade had sliced up toward Shepard's lung, and magnified the image 1,000xs. A distinct, folded trellis shape could be seen. "Given this pattern, I have a theory about what this is. Please prep again. I believe I know how you can find the source."

Chakwas swiftly did as she was told, leaving Miranda to prop herself up.

Miranda explained, "During the Collector missions, Mordin and I installed a weave to strengthen Shepard's muscles and to make her more resistant to injury." At Chakwas' disapproving look, Miranda added, "With her consent. You can ask her yourself later why we didn't tell you. Set the scanner for frequency 36 and enhance for this material," with a click she sent a listing to the scanner on Shepard's surgery bed. "You should be able to see it. I believe the blade displaced a section of it, and it has been acting like a shredder on Shepard's abdomen ever since."

The new settings in place, Chakwas could indeed see where sections of weave had been embedded in softer tissue. "Indeed, we will all discuss later how leaving me out of the loop on this procedure placed the commander in unnecessary peril." Chakwas knew what needed to be done, and she set to work, hoping it wasn't too late.

* * *

_Somewhere ahead, the horizon. _

_Slowly she realizes she's standing on a beach, bathed in light, naked. _

_The sand feels coarse beneath her feet. She sees softer white mixed with gray and small bits of black basalt. _

_With a blink, a sphere of it lays in the open palm of one hand. It's light, hollowed out. A bubble of lava that burst against the water and cooled into this shape, the air it held escaping as it changed. It hardly weighs anything at all. Stone lace the size of a heart._

_Another blink and she's wading into the water, her hands trailing along its surface. The air and water, the same temperature, the water and air, the same blue. Somewhere ahead lays the horizon, but the sea and sky blend so perfectly she can't see where. The water is perfectly clear. The water is perfect. Each step buoys her and leaves a golden wake. Water caresses her naked legs with light._

_She wades deeper. Water flows into her. Like Liara, warm, knowing, filling her. She closes her eyes, tilts her chin up to the sun, and accepts. Lets it enter her. Liara._

_She opens her eyes to see she's standing near the edge of a cliff. Down below the water slides into a cave. She wants to go, but she's afraid. The water there is dark. She cannot see what lies beneath. Liara stands beside her. A breeze riffles the water below and Rachel's hair as she drinks in the sight of her. The asari wears a loose wrap of sheer white that the wind flutters like wings. Rachel wears dress whites. The only way to reach the water would be to jump. She knows she won't need her clothes when she gets there. Her fingers go to her buttons, and Liara's fingers meet them. Liara undoes each. Liara undoes them all, pushes the uniform shirt back, opens her to the air. She's wearing nothing underneath. Liara's hands slide down her body to undo her belt, her pants. They fall away, and she steps out. Free._

_The wind whips around them, the sky growing gray, the waves rising, choppy. She steps to the brink, closes her eyes._

_The water is up to her waist. She opens her eyes and sees Liara on the shore, watches Liara wade in. The light dances, reflecting over Liara's skin, painting the undercurves of her breasts with gold. The water parts around her, rises over her body bit by bit until they are together. They touch, floating and flowing against each other like the water and the shore, the shore and the sky, the sky and the sea. The water is right below her breasts. Their legs intertwine as Liara wraps her arms around her shoulders, and she her arms around Liara's waist. They kiss, and she can feel Liara's breath against her mouth and face before she pulls her tight to burrow her face between Liara's breasts. She inhales, remembering the first time they met, the first time she saw Liara smile, the moment Liara stole her heart. It all comes back to her, the hour she realized she had fallen in love, the ever deeper melds that ceased to be innocent, the night she discovered that the shy archaeologist had become the center of her life. The memories wash against her, the feel of their first kiss, the wonder of their first night together, how Liara within her had split her open, her touch set her on fire. She remembers every hour and feels Liara's heart flutter beneath her lips as she kisses her. Tasting salt, she follows the trail of it up to the folds of Liara's neck, nuzzling. Her lips graze the softness there and rise to the curve of Liara's cheek, to catch a full tear as it rolls down, sunlight trapped within. A wave of light flashes across the sea, revealing the horizon, and sweeps toward them. They watch it approach._

_Her toes grip the basalt edge as the wind strengthens cliffside. She looks over her shoulder to the asari behind her, who opens her mouth to speak, but the wind takes the words away. _

* * *

"That did it. She's going to make it." Chakwas stated with relief, watching the monitors, holding the needle she used to make the last stitch in her bloody gloves. "Her life signs have stabilized and are rising. She's going to be alright!" She turned toward Liara and frowned when she saw Liara's eyes were closed. "Check her," she ordered her attending, and turned to see how surgery had gone on Miranda's wound. It looked good, and her readings also stable. Stripping off her gloves and gown, Chakwas gripped and squeezed Miranda's hand in thanks, watching the worry drain out of the woman's face before she closed her eyes, her other hand in her sister's. Chakwas had rarely seen Miranda look so young.

She thanked both medics for their excellent work and assistance, and dismissed them to get some well-earned rest. Afterward, she went and checked on Liara herself. The asari's vitals were weak, but rising. She would have to be woken up every hour for the next eight, but Chakwas was satisfied that all three patients were well on their way to recovery. She looked forward to sharing the good news with Liara.

One more matter remained before she also would rest. She went to prepare Kaidan's body for burial.


	19. Cliffside

**Cliffside**

from Margaret Atwood's _Variations on the Word Love_

_Then there's the two_  
_of us. This word_  
_is far too short for us, it has only…_  
_silence, a mouth that says_  
_O again and again in wonder_  
_and pain, a breath, a finger_  
_grip on a cliffside. You can_  
_hold on or let go._

* * *

Liara stared wildly about, breathing rapidly, her mouth working but no sound coming out. Everyone watched her. Hearing the normally poised asari scream had been universally unsettling.

"Calm down, Liara," Chakwas admonished. "You're en route to the Normandy. Do you hear me?"

Liara's gaze fell on Shepard's, then Kaidan's, still form. She swallowed hard.

"Liara, report!" Chakwas insisted, and Liara met her gaze across Shepard's body.

"Yes." Liara grimaced and leaned back next to Garrus, closing her eyes. "I'm fine."

"Don't!" Chakwas said crisply. "You must keep your eyes open and stay awake, if you can. Do you understand?"

Liara opened her eyes and stared at the floor where Chakwas knelt. "Yes." She couldn't bear to look at Shepard's gray face with the memory of the meld still fresh in her mind.

"That was a very foolish thing you did." Chakwas scolded her. "You're in no condition to meld. Don't do it again. It could kill you both."

Liara began to feel annoyed. Looking Chakwas in the eye, she scowled, pursed her lips, and in her best Shepard imitation, said, "Noted."

Chakwas gave the ghost of a smile. "Good." She turned back to reading Shepard's scans. This was a puzzle she must figure out. With a flick, she dispatched Shepard's health records from Ontarom to the present, turning to Miranda afterward. "Can you be ready to consult in 15?"

Miranda nodded.

* * *

An honor guard of six officers in dress blues, male and female, stood at attention as the shuttle door opened. They saluted and waited until Shepard's litter was carried through their ranks, Chakwas following, and then, to Liara's surprise, waited for her to follow it too, maintaining the salute until she had passed. As she stood by her bondmate's body in the elevator, she raised her hand to her throat as she saw the honor guard drape an Alliance flag over Kaidan's body before the elevator doors closed.

Up in the medbay, after the medics had placed Shepard on the surgery table at the far end, one of them went to Liara and indicated that she should settle on the biobed opposite. The medic hooked her up to the bed's monitors and worked on getting her armor off her left shoulder while she focused on Shepard. It felt unreal that it had been less than half a day since she had sat across from Shepard on these very beds before the mission debrief with the rest of the team.

Kaidan's body was brought in and laid on the biobed farthest from Liara, the flag removed, folded into a triangle and placed in the cradle of his arms, which they had crossed over his waist. After one glance, Liara returned her focus to what was happening with Shepard. The medic assisting Chakwas had removed the blanket and was peeling away Shepard's underarmor, while Chakwas set up another blood bag and saline drip.

When Miranda was carried in next, her sister close behind, the transfusion between the two still underway, Liara noticed how much paler Miranda appeared than she had in the shuttle. The medics set Miranda up on the surgery table next to Shepard. Oriana sat on the side opposite.

Chakwas scanned Shepard with the more sensitive devices of the medbay. So much blood filled Shepard's abdomen that it was hard for Chakwas to get a definite reading on possible sources even with the better equipment. The transfusion had not substantially increased Shepard's blood volume or blood pressure, and without a better sense of the cause for the bleeds, Chakwas was concerned. Going in blind with a patient who had so little time…. The device detected no foreign object. Maybe some sliver of the blade had fragmented and she'd missed it? No, the metal would register on the scanners, even minute shrapnel did, and anything that small surely would not have this effect. Shepard seemed to be bleeding from everywhere. Could something have coated the blade? Some chemical agents designed to have this effect? She scanned again for a wider range of foreign materials, physical and chemical, and the report still came back reading only Shepard's flesh. Agents would explain the bleeding, perhaps, but not all the readings.

"Did you determine any source for her bleeds, Miranda?" she asked, turning to the woman behind her.

"No, not from what you sent me. What medications, if any, has she been on since the stabbing?" Ignoring her own pain, Miranda remained briskly professional.

"A combination of adrenaline, caffeine and supranatholine." Chakwas ran the sterilizer, and slipped a surgical robe over her uniform, letting a medic glove her.

"That kind of kick could account for the increased flow. What was the dosage?" Miranda watched Chakwas prepping with a frown. "You could use menzapedrine in combination with zoracal to slow her blood loss."

"Negative, I can't risk lowering her blood pressure any more at this point. The scans record her at 38% loss with her pressure already at critical. There's no time. I'm going in."

"You can't do that! No one has survived past 40%; you have no margin for surgery. You have to get her numbers up first." Miranda sat up and swung her legs over the side of the surgery bed.

"There's no way to get her numbers up except by finding the source. The transfusion joined the blood already pooling in her abdomen as far as I can determine. If I wait, it will be too late. I'm not losing her!" Chakwas nodded to her attendant, who slipped a surgical headlamp with a magnifier and scanner around her head, and she turned back to Shepard. "Now lie back down!"

"No, I won't let you do this! Karin, stop!" Miranda struggled to her feet, forgetting her injured leg. It gave out, and she pitched forward, catching herself on the side of Shepard's table, the transfusion tube pulling tight. Oriana made a small sound as it pinched, her eyes intent on the drama between her sister and the doctor. "You'll kill her!"

Liara watched, upset by what she'd heard and by Miranda's loss of aplomb. Her eyes narrowed at the display of emotional attachment to her bondmate. She wished she had her biotics to help settle this, but between the mission and the meld, her wounds and her fears, she was wiped out. Despite the pain, she had to think, to stay conscious, to be Shepard's lifeline. "Karin," she interjected. "I want to hear what Miranda has to say." The medic attending her tightened the brace setting her break as she spoke, and she stopped with a gasp, her eyes drifting back to Shepard. The lights over Shepard's body shone so brightly, they reflected with a glare off the pallor of her skin. Shepard and Kaidan both lay so still, it pressed on Liara's heart. She felt so helpless. Part of Shepard longed to die.

"Do I need to remove you both from my medbay?" Chakwas' unflappability slipped under her own terrible sense of frustration. "This is not a democracy. We are not going to vote. I asked for a consult, nothing more. Now move away so I can do my job and save Shepard's life!"

"Then let me consult! Five minutes. Give me that." Miranda's hand glowed in warning as the attending approached her.

Chakwas scowled, and waved the attending back. Keeping her gloved hands in front of her, scalpel still in her grasp, she turned to Miranda. "You have three. Make it fast. And if you don't get out of my way after that or threaten any member of this crew again, I will have you forcibly removed and you and your sister confined under guard!"

As the attending backed away, Miranda let the dark energy dissipate and used both hands to help prop herself up against Shepard's table. "You noted the presence of lesions, a few significant, in post-op examinations. Their persistence seems curious. Can you tell me more about them?"

"There were about seven darker folds of various sizes around the wound site that were consistent with…" Chakwas' head lamp shone into Miranda's eyes as she spoke to her.

Miranda squinted, turned her head and kept her eyes on Shepard. "These were only around the wound site, not the incisions?" Miranda was having difficulty holding herself up as her strength ebbed.

"Yes, but…" Chakwas snapped. She did not like to be interrupted.

"And did you record these more than once?" Miranda kept her tone even.

"Yes." Chakwas felt her anger fading as she noticed Miranda struggling to stay upright.

"The files you sent me only showed a scan from earlier today and the one from the shuttle, but they were by different scanners. May I please see all the scans from all sources for comparison?" Miranda looked like she was about to fall.

Chakwas put down the scalpel and tore off one of her gloves. Pulling her arm out of the robe to access her omni, she ported all relevant scans from it to join the medbay ones on the monitor at her desk. Then, pulling off the other glove and placing it and her robe over Shepard's abdomen, she wrapped her arm around Miranda's waist and helped her to the desk chair. Keeping her hand on Miranda's shoulder to make sure she didn't faint out of it, Chakwas pulled up the files with her free hand, compiling them. She gestured for the attending to stop the transfusion between Miranda and Oriana, and to come help her.

Liara fought a sense of desperation at the delay, even though she had supported it. The medic dressing her wound had put her injured arm in a sling and strapped it to her side to take its weight off her shoulder. Now he positioned and switched on the regen. accelerator attached to the bed, while Miranda scrolled through the files, adjusting and overlaying the images to note changes over time.

Whatever the darker patches were had altered in position, at first slightly, and then between the image before the mission and the one after, to a much greater extent. Looked at this way, altogether instead of piecemeal, it was clear that whatever they were, they couldn't be lesions.

Watching, Chakwas frowned. "Could the nanites be…?"

"No." Miranda shook her head and flipped among the images again. Liara closed her eyes.

"How can you be sure? It's possible that they are…"

"No, it's not. Nanites wouldn't create anything that would look like this. They repair damaged tissue, but do not create new structures. Whatever is causing the damage has a structure. Look." She pointed to the edge around where the blade had sliced up toward Shepard's lung, and magnified the image 1,000xs. A distinct, folded trellis shape could be seen. "Given this pattern, I have a theory about what this is. Please prep again. I believe I know how you can find the source."

Chakwas swiftly did as she was told, leaving Miranda to prop herself up.

Miranda explained, "During the Collector missions, Mordin and I installed a weave to strengthen Shepard's muscles and to make her more resistant to injury." At Chakwas' disapproving look, Miranda added, "With her consent. You can ask her yourself later why we didn't tell you. Set the scanner for frequency 36 and enhance for this material," with a click she sent a listing to the scanner on Shepard's surgery bed. "You should be able to see it. I believe the blade displaced a section of it, and it has been acting like a shredder on Shepard's abdomen ever since."

The new settings in place, Chakwas could indeed see where sections of weave had been embedded in softer tissue. "Indeed, we will all discuss later how leaving me out of the loop on this procedure placed the commander in unnecessary peril." Chakwas knew what needed to be done, and she set to work, hoping it wasn't too late.

* * *

_Somewhere ahead, the horizon. _

_Slowly she realizes she's standing on a beach, bathed in light, naked. _

_The sand feels coarse beneath her feet. She sees softer white mixed with gray and small bits of black basalt. _

_With a blink, a sphere of it lays in the open palm of one hand. It's light, hollowed out. A bubble of lava that burst against the water and cooled into this shape, the air it held escaping as it changed. It hardly weighs anything at all. Stone lace the size of a heart._

_Another blink and she's wading into the water, her hands trailing along its surface. The air and water, the same temperature, the water and air, the same blue. Somewhere ahead lays the horizon, but the sea and sky blend so perfectly she can't see where. The water is perfectly clear. The water is perfect. Each step buoys her and leaves a golden wake. Water caresses her naked legs with light._

_She wades deeper. Water flows into her. Like Liara, warm, knowing, filling her. She closes her eyes, tilts her chin up to the sun, and accepts. Lets it enter her. Liara._

_She opens her eyes to see she's standing near the edge of a cliff. Down below the water slides into a cave. She wants to go, but she's afraid. The water there is dark. She cannot see what lies beneath. Liara stands beside her. A breeze riffles the water below and Rachel's hair as she drinks in the sight of her. The asari wears a loose wrap of sheer white that the wind flutters like wings. Rachel wears dress whites. The only way to reach the water would be to jump. She knows she won't need her clothes when she gets there. Her fingers go to her buttons, and Liara's fingers meet them. Liara undoes each. Liara undoes them all, pushes the uniform shirt back, opens her to the air. She's wearing nothing underneath. Liara's hands slide down her body to undo her belt, her pants. They fall away, and she steps out. Free._

_The wind whips around them, the sky growing gray, the waves rising, choppy. She steps to the brink, closes her eyes._

_The water is up to her waist. She opens her eyes and sees Liara on the shore, watches Liara wade in. The light dances, reflecting over Liara's skin, painting the undercurves of her breasts with gold. The water parts around her, rises over her body bit by bit until they are together. They touch, floating and flowing against each other like the water and the shore, the shore and the sky, the sky and the sea. The water is right below her breasts. Their legs intertwine as Liara wraps her arms around her shoulders, and she her arms around Liara's waist. They kiss, and she can feel Liara's breath against her mouth and face before she pulls her tight to burrow her face between Liara's breasts. She inhales, remembering the first time they met, the first time she saw Liara smile, the moment Liara stole her heart. It all comes back to her, the hour she realized she had fallen in love, the ever deeper melds that ceased to be innocent, the night she discovered that the shy archaeologist had become the center of her life. The memories wash against her, the feel of their first kiss, the wonder of their first night together, how Liara within her had split her open, her touch set her on fire. She remembers every hour and feels Liara's heart flutter beneath her lips as she kisses her. Tasting salt, she follows the trail of it up to the folds of Liara's neck, nuzzling. Her lips graze the softness there and rise to the curve of Liara's cheek, to catch a full tear as it rolls down, sunlight trapped within. A wave of light flashes across the sea, revealing the horizon, and sweeps toward them. They watch it approach._

_Her toes grip the basalt edge as the wind strengthens cliffside. She looks over her shoulder to the asari behind her, who opens her mouth to speak, but the wind takes the words away. _

* * *

"That did it. She's going to make it." Chakwas stated with relief, watching the monitors, holding the needle she used to make the last stitch in her bloody gloves. "Her life signs have stabilized and are rising. She's going to be alright!" She turned toward Liara and frowned when she saw Liara's eyes were closed. "Check her," she ordered her attending, and turned to see how surgery had gone on Miranda's wound. It looked good, and her readings also stable. Stripping off her gloves and gown, Chakwas gripped and squeezed Miranda's hand in thanks, watching the worry drain out of the woman's face before she closed her eyes, her other hand in her sister's. Chakwas had rarely seen Miranda look so young.

She thanked both medics for their excellent work and assistance, and dismissed them to get some well-earned rest. Afterward, she went and checked on Liara herself. The asari's vitals were weak, but rising. She would have to be woken up every hour for the next eight, but Chakwas was satisfied that all three patients were well on their way to recovery. She looked forward to sharing the good news with Liara.

One more matter remained before she also would rest. She went to prepare Kaidan's body for burial.


	20. Luck

**Luck**

from Yehuda Amichai's _The body is the cause of love_

_But when the body dies, love is set free_  
_In wild abundance,_  
_Like a slot machine that breaks down_  
_And with a furious ringing pours out all at once_  
_All the coins of_  
_All the generations of luck_

* * *

Kaidan lay in the metal box in his dress blues. His dog tags hung from her hand. Death rendered the stiff pale features of his face unfamiliar. In an hour, she would close the capsule and lead the short proceedings before they ejected his body into space. A burial among the stars, where no Reaper could corrupt his corpse.

She swung the tags back and forth. They'd done so little for Ash. There was never time on a working warship, little enough to consider the losses when busy saving the rest. She'd not been there for the service for Pressly and the other 19 lost with the original Normandy. The one that should have included her. Soldiers die. Marines don't last. _Who's like us? _She closed her eyes at the memory of Vega and the other marines' enthusiasm with the hoo-rah at the bar.

What comfort could be derived now from what their sacrifices accomplished? Civilians protected. Disasters averted. Civilizations spared. They served for love of country and cause. Kaidan, Ash and she had served for love of family as well, and then for love of each other, like any good crew. The comfort really came from that, from caring about one's brothers and sisters in arms. It's them they first protected, them they fought to save. It's what gave them the strength to keep pulling the trigger. Love. Loyalty. Each other. The bizarre business of killing and dying.

The tags dangled from her fingers. She pinched one, ran a thumb over the metal-punched letters. A haiku of identification. In an hour, that would be all of Kaidan left on the ship. She knew what she had to do and what she would say, as surely as she knew those letters. Her duty and her honor, to lead, even through this. She knew it had almost been her too, lying there, but the fact didn't take the sting away. Kaidan, dead. He survived Mars for this?

Elbows on her knees, she ran the hand not holding his tags through her short, dark hair, as she bowed her head. The dressings around her abdomen pulled in this position, but the tenderness was gone. She felt physically better than she had in a long time. She'd risen from the surgery bed and returned to duty, gone about her rounds, gone on. The world and war did not stop for the death of one man.

But this once, she'd stopped the clocks in her room, torn her collar, and ordered a reception in the lounge after with plenty of booze, an XO's task for the XO she'd lost. She did it for all of them as much as for Kaidan. They faced terrible odds, and they were … family. After two impossible missions and her own death, she'd learned: Don't wait. Share the memories and one another's company while you can. It's why she'd proposed to Liara despite the war, and because of it, to share whatever she had left, all she had.

The crew wouldn't get another chance together like this. In the next two weeks, there would be a lot more capsules, or possibly all of them dead. The extinction of the human race, of the asari, the krogan, the turians, the quarians, the geth, the salarians; they would all be doomed if they failed. All the people that anyone loved, except for this one, lying in front of her, beyond concern.

Sitting there on the observatory bench next to the dais they'd made for the capsule holding Kaidan's body, Shepard gave herself this hour to stay with him in his favorite place on the ship, one last time. His memory would stay with her longer, as long as she lasted. That's how she'd honor him, while she could. Mordin, Thane, Kaidan, she didn't think it would be long before she joined them. Surely, her luck couldn't last forever. Her free hand pressed her own tags to her chest.

* * *

_The day before…_

As she came round, she recognized the hand holding hers, the texture of the thumb stroking its back. Opening her eyes confirmed it. Liara stood there, her eyes full of fatigue, tenderness and concern. She looked much better, a healthier blue with no visible bruises. Shepard smiled, squeezed Liara's hand then released it to lift her arms over her head and stretch her full body, pointing her toes, feeling the ache as the skin tightened over her ribcage as she alternated sides. She felt almost good, so she pushed herself to sit, with little wooziness and a mild deeper ache. That pleased her, but a tugging and pinching at her neck did not. With one hand she reached up and felt where the drips attached.

Chakwas bustled over. "Not so fast, Commander." She read the monitors and smiled.

"Can I get these things out?" Shepard indicated the tubes protruding from her neck. "They itch."

"In a moment. We are going to have a conversation first." The look Chakwas gave her was serious.

"First," Shepard countered, "you are going to report on the team's status." Even sitting there naked with the blanket around her waist and tubes coming out of her neck, she managed to maintain her authority. Liara marveled at her ability to do that, even as she dreaded Shepard's reaction.

"You had massive internal bleeding, the cause of which we are about to discuss. Liara's wounds have been addressed, as have Miranda's. Major Alenko was KIA, and it's only by luck that you weren't as well." Chakwas did not completely manage to stifle her anger at that last part. Shepard's eyes narrowed momentarily, then she saw Kaidan's body on the far table, and swung a leg over the side of the bed.

"Stop, you mustn't while you're still hooked up." Chakwas placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"Take them out now, or I will do it myself," Shepard ordered, wrapping her fingers around the tubes. But she couldn't move; a stasis field caught her.

"No, you will not," Liara said quietly. She walked around the bed to look in Shepard's face before she dropped the field.

Shepard lowered her hand, her face impassive. "The conversation can wait until I've showered, eaten, dressed and made my report." Shepard tilted her neck back expectantly.

Liara and Chakwas exchanged a glance. "How do you feel, Shepard?" Liara asked.

"Not dead. With lots of work to do." Shepard kept her head tilted back. "Do you have any reason to keep me, Doctor?"

"I have no medical reason. You've made a strong recovery overnight. But I will not sign off on that officially until you've come back, and we've talked." Chakwas pushed Shepard back into a prone position before switching the drips off and turning her full attention to removing the tube and line carefully from Shepard's jugular. "Don't move."

When the lines were out, and a medi-gel bandage in place, Shepard sat up again. Carefully, Chakwas and Liara beside her, Shepard slid onto her bare feet, leaving the blanket behind on the bed. She was steady, and after a few steps with their support and careful attention to the floor, she took a few steps on her own to about the center of the room. When she stopped concentrating on the floor, she noticed Miranda and Oriana.

Chakwas turned to clean the bed, sterilize and stow equipment.

As Shepard stood there, naked except for her bandages, Oriana cleared her throat and looked away. Miranda, however, did not. Leaning back against the lab table in borrowed dress blues, arms crossed in front of her, she slowly looked Shepard over, from her toes to the tip of her head and back.

Liara ground her teeth at the woman's deliberate, provocative, proprietary inspection of her bondmate. Chakwas had already tipped the blanket into the sterilizer, or she would have grabbed it and placed it around Shepard. "EDI, can we get some clothes in here for the Commander?" Liara asked.

"I'll send Specialist Traynor for them at once." EDI answered. Liara did not relax. Chakwas moved around the surgery bed to where she could see the room.

Shepard made no effort to hide from Miranda's scrutiny. When the long inspection seemed complete, she simply asked, "Well Miranda, is it still under warranty?"

Miranda met her gaze. "I'm afraid, Commander, that you break it, you buy it remains our policy."

"You mean this?" Shepard pointed to the bandage around her middle. "That's just a scratch." She examined Miranda right back. "Never thought I'd see you in an Alliance uniform. It suits you."

"Don't get used to it." Miranda warned, tilting her head to one side. From that angle, Shepard could see bruises at her throat and scalp.

"Why not? The war effort could use your help." Shepard's glance shifted briefly to where Oriana stood, staring intently at the wall.

Miranda noticed the shift. "And it will have it, after I take my sister some place safe. You know she doesn't belong here."

"I know. We will help you both get to wherever you need to go." Completely unselfconscious about her nudity, Shepard walked over to Kaidan's body and looked down at his pale face. Chakwas had curled his tags into a little pile on this chest. Liara watched intently as Shepard regarded him for a moment, then turned back to Miranda. "I take it you have something to do with my survival?"

"Yes."

The door opened to reveal Samantha clutching a neatly folded uniform. Averting her gaze, she walked sideways toward the Commander and held out what was in her arms. "Here, ma'am. I'm sorry, but I didn't go into your underwear. I just …" she stopped as she met the asari's gaze. "Here." Miranda raised an eyebrow.

Shepard absently took the clothes from her. "I only need to be decent enough to make it to my quarters, Specialist. This will do. Dismissed."

Samantha left.

In less than three minutes, Shepard had dressed. "Before I go, Miranda, have you and your sister settled where you'll sleep while you're with us?"

"Chakwas has us set up in the AI core, which is fine." Miranda shifted, and stood up. "Commander, we need to talk before you make your report."

Shepard regarded her for a long moment, then nodded. "I'll find you and Chakwas here after I've showered. And Miranda, while you wear that uniform, put your hair up. It's regulation, and a good idea when fighting hand to hand." Shepard strode out of the room without a backward glance, Kaidan's tags in her fist, leaving Miranda to meet Liara's gaze at last.

Miranda looked away first.

* * *

Liara sat on their bed in the Loft, listening to the shower. She had followed Shepard up, but now.… She stood, paced a few times, then headed out the door and to her cabin. Once in, she locked the doors, muted Glyph, and sat cross-legged at the foot of her bed to meditate. It had been a long time since she had found the exercise necessary. The events of the past day had shaken her more than she liked to admit.

Her difficulty in maintaining her own self in the meld suggested that her current state of turmoil reflected something similar. The bond between her and Shepard might be confusing them both with each other's emotions. If so, it would explain much. It might, for instance, explain the increased aggressiveness and fear she'd been experiencing. Conversely, her own strong feelings might have contributed to Shepard's erratic judgments and actions before and during the mission. It would be wise to discuss this with Shepard, once she had sorted things out, or if that eluded her, to test her theory. Centering herself and figuring out what she wanted and needed could only help them both.

The way Liara had learned to face her fears she would never forget. So she knew better than to push aside the image of Shepard leading a shadow army of the dead when it arose in her mind. This fear troubled her more than even Miranda's re-entry into their lives, and the meaning of Shepard's response to it.

* * *

James hesitated in the medbay doorway. "Hey Doc, is it okay if I come in?"

"My door's always open, Lieutenant." Chakwas called over her shoulder as she pecked away at the keyboard in front of her, finishing her reports on Liara, Miranda, and Kaidan. The AI core had been left open and a cot, chairs and a small table had been delivered for the comfort of the two guests now setting the room up and chatting quietly.

His shoulders drooped as he spied Kaidan's body. He practically tiptoed into the room and over to it. If he or the Major had been N7s, he wondered, would it have made any difference? Maybe the Commander had been right, that sometimes you couldn't blame yourself for doing what you had to do. Maybe sometimes nothing could be done. Things couldn't always go as planned, and the search for some way it could have gone better brought regret for what couldn't be changed. If you fight, you risk death, and it comes when it will. He crossed himself and Kaidan, offered a short prayer he knew, and kissed the medallion his abuella had given him, just in case.

When Chakwas turned around, James had already left.

In the AI core, Oriana helped Miranda move the table from the center of the room closer to the door. Anywhere they set it, short of the bed, would work for her. Honestly, it amused her a little to see her sister fuss over the exact placement. She suspected something else bothered her. "I never thought I'd actually get to meet the famous Commander Shepard," she stated nonchalantly. "Let alone see her naked."

Miranda looked up from where she'd been focusing on putting the table to see her sister grinning and accidentally set the table down too quickly on her own toe. "Ow! Ori!"

"You can hardly blame me. How could I expect you'd be so easily distracted by the mere mention of her when a little while ago you were staring at her body absolutely shamelessly? Just what's the deal between you two? It's clear she's with the asari, who by the look of things this morning, plans to kill you. Does that happen to you a lot?" Oriana sat on the table, and patted a spot next to her. "Come, tell Auntie Ori." She preferred this conversation to her sister's attempts to have her talk about her time on Horizon, something she wanted very much to forget already.

"I wish I could say no, but there's nothing to tell. I'm not used to these low heels. It upsets my center of gravity, that's all." Miranda bent and rubbed her calf to distract her body from the pain in her toes. "Let's finish setting up the room." She moved over to the cot. "How much privacy do you want?"

"Less than you. Put it by mine." Oriana slid off the table to help Miranda again. "What did the Commander mean by asking you about a warranty?"

With Ori's help, Miranda carefully placed the cot at a 90-degree angle beside the built-in platform, sighed and ran her fingers through the front of her hair, pulling it out from where she'd put it up. She wasn't used to the tension on her scalp of having it up, and it ached a bit from the bruises. "You know I don't like to talk about my time with Cerberus." She retwisted her hair into a bun, and using the clips Chakwas had given her, fixed it in place again.

"Miri, this is me. I just survived Sanctuary thanks to you. What more do you need to protect me from? I've seen who our father is, was, and what Cerberus and he were or are capable of doing. You told me you left them because you didn't believe in their methods any more. So believe in me. Whatever you've done, I won't stop loving you. In fact, if it involves the Commander, I may just love you more." She grinned again. "She has a nice body, on top of everything else. I can understand why you like her."

With a shake of her head, Miranda sat down on the cot. "And you call me shameless."

Her sister settled gracefully beside her. "You know you'd have to let me in for me to be a real sister to you. I'd like for us to be close."

Uncertain, Miranda looked sideways at her sister. "I'd like that, Ori, but as your big sister, I'll always want to protect you." Miranda looked at her feet, at the boot that hid her now dully throbbing toes. On this ship, Oriana might hear anyway, if she talked to anybody else. Miranda decided it was probably better if it came from her. "One of the last things I did under Cerberus' aegis was to rebuild Commander Shepard."

"You mean enhance her with things like that weave you and the doctor yelled about last night?" Oriana felt grateful that no gases and glass holding cells were anywhere to be seen. Not that her sister could be at all like their father, she knew that.

"It was more than that, Ori. She'd been on the original _Normandy_ when it had been attacked and torn apart." For the umpteenth time, Miranda felt a flash of relief that the Illusive Man had kept her from implanting a control chip in Shepard.

"And you saved her life? How romantic!" Oriana had a very sweet and mischievous smile.

"Not exactly. She died. I brought her back. It took two years of grueling effort to restore all her major systems, organs, tissues, nerves, muscles—everything—grafting in cybernetics when they could improve without altering her." Going to Sanctuary to rescue Ori felt like less of a risk than this admission. "The weaves came later, when she had regained consciousness. Those were her choice." Miranda kept her eyes on her feet, afraid to see her sister's expression. "It couldn't have been less romantic. Please don't even joke about that. She is with the asari, with Liara."

Oriana's eyebrows raised as she regarded her sister. "You brought her back from the _dead_?! How is that even possible? Bones alone take 10 years to regrow and the kind of … what you're talking about would …." Her mind boogled, then started guessing how it could have been done. "Oh, so now I get the joke." The doors to the medbay opened, and there the Commander stood, and that was thanks to her sister, thanks to Miri that the Collectors had been defeated, that the Commander could rescue them on Horizon, and that the battle against the Reapers had this champion. She stared wide-eyed at the two women. No wonder they seemed to share some kind of intimacy. She could hardly imagine what that would be like, to have rebuilt someone and work with them, or to be in the presence of the person you knew had rebuilt you.

Shepard frowned, not liking the way Oriana was looking at her. "Miranda?"

"One moment, Shepard," Chakwas stood and walked to her as Miranda got up. "I'll give you the privacy of the medbay for your talk, but first I want to know why you didn't tell me about the enhancements you had Miranda make during the Collector mission. Why wasn't I involved or even notified? It almost cost you your life. I'm very upset that you didn't trust me with this information." The thin line of her lips and furrowed brow made it clear. "That you did this essentially behind my back!"

In all their years together, Shepard couldn't remember ever making Karin angry. Clearly, she had now. "Doctor Chakwas…" Miranda joined them, aware of the growing tension. "I didn't tell you because I think of you as the doctor …." She swallowed. Even though she did trust Karin, this was difficult to admit, "for the parts of me that are human."

"You what?!" For a moment, Chakwas was speechless.

Miranda hated to hear Shepard talk about this. "Shepard, you're no less human…."

"Than what, Miri?! Than he was?" Shepard interrupted and pointed to where Kaidan's body rested not three feet from her. "We both know that's not true."

"Miri?" Miranda frowned. Shepard had never addressed her so familiarly before.

"Sorry … Miranda," Shepard corrected herself. "I don't know why I said that."

"I was going to say that you are no less human than I am." Miranda challenged her to say otherwise with her glare. "What is it? Do you wish you'd had no enhancements so that you could still be dead now?"

Chakwas frowned as she looked between the two. "Commander Shepard, I am your doctor, and that means for all of you, whether your parts are organic or not," she said sternly. "Your best interests have always been my first priority, and I have been right here with you through it all, something not everyone in this room or ship can claim! I consider it the height of unethical that any practitioner of any sort would go forward with any such change if aware of its likely psychological effect on you or of how you've struggled to accept your implants!" She stopped to breathe deeply, looking off to the side, to the surgery table where Shepard had lain. Some of what she felt, she recognized, was residual from coming so close to losing Shepard the day before. The infuriating woman meant a great deal to her. "Are there any more surprises I should know about?"

Miranda and Shepard replied at the same time, "No!" They stared at each other.

Chakwas sucked in a breath, watching them, thought better of what she was about to say, and waited.

Shepard continued, "Doctor … Karin, I am sorry. I do trust you, all the time, with my life. You are right. I should have told you."

"I agree. We'll talk about your _full _humanity later," Chakwas said, glaring at Miranda, her voice brusque. "For now, I'll leave you two to it." She strode briskly out of the medbay.

With a snort, Shepard turned back to Miranda. "What the hell, Miranda?"

"Miri?! … Shepard? Don't _you_ bloody give _me_ a hard time!" Miranda's eyes flashed. Never in a million years would she admit how hearing Shepard address her like that had affected her.

"Do I _wish_ I could _still_ _be_ _dead_?! This whole situation is absurd. So is my still being alive." Shepard closed her eyes and started to laugh. "What is wrong with me? I must be losing my mind." She opened her eyes and looked at Miranda, laughing helplessly. "Seriously, could there be a malfunction in some device in here?" She tapped her head.

"Stop it, Shepard," Miranda warned. She reached over and turned the windows opaque, catching a glimpse of Chakwas and some other crew members looking in. She patted Shepard awkwardly on the back. "Get a hold of yourself, Commander!"

Shepard's shoulders shook as her laughter turned into dry sobs. "He's dead. He's really dead. We stood together in this room yesterday, and then I left him behind…" Shepard pressed her fingers into her eyes, her sobs subsiding. "It would be comforting to blame it on some hardware glitch."

Oriana cleared her throat. "Excuse me, may I come in?"

Miranda strode over and pressed the button keeping the AI core's door open. "No!"

"Miri, the Commander needs .…" The door shut out the rest of what she tried to say.

Miranda turned her back on the door, but stayed there, on the other side of the room. "Shepard." The woman's loss of composure troubled her. Though Miranda knew reasons why Kaidan's loss might have triggered some much earlier memories, she feared to bring it up in case something else had caused this uncharacteristic loss of control.

"You're right, as always," Shepard took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, keeping her back to Kaidan. She turned off the window's opacity. On the other side of the windows Chakwas sipped tea while crew members in the mess stared in with undisguised curiosity. "EDI, please send six free crewmembers up with a capsule, have them place Major Alenko's body in it, and set it up on the observation deck for viewing. Inform the crew the service will be held at 1500 hours tomorrow."

"As you wish, Commander."

Shepard turned and observed the distance between her and the other woman. "Miranda?"

"If the Shadow Broker _and_ Cerberus were gunning for me, I don't think I'd survive," Miranda retorted.

At the mention of the Shadow Broker, Shepard felt a calm inexplicably descend on her. "Fair enough. Let's make sure you remain in Liara's good graces. For all you keep saving my life, she doesn't seem very fond of you."

"Shepard ... bloody hell!" Miranda clenched her fists in agitation. "You idiot!" She chose her words very carefully. "You know she and I have a past." There was nothing more she could say, really. "As do you. Is survivor's guilt catching up with you?" With her sister so close to safety, Miranda struggled not to have Shepard become another person she'd worry terribly about.

Shepard shrugged, ready to change the subject, having completely pulled herself together. "What did you want to talk with me about?"

Miranda approached and stood on the other side of the surgical bed closest to Shepard. She pulled a small metal device with a large screen out of her a pocket and held it out. "This."

Shepard squinted at the electronic symbols and writing scrolling across the device's screen. It took her a moment to identify it. Her entire aspect changed. "A tracking device! Tell me you dropped a tracker on Kai Leng!"

With a small smile at Shepard's excitement, Miranda nodded. "You can follow him to the main Cerberus base with this. I thought you could use some good news."

Device in hand, Shepard felt her heart lift. With genuine joy, she grinned crookedly at Miranda, "You thought of everything! You genius, you!"

Miranda couldn't tear her gaze away. "Well, not everything, but no one's perfect."

"Damn close," Shepard studied the tracker's screen again. "Thank you, Miranda." When she looked back up, her expression had become more serious. "You took a hell of a risk, going there by yourself. Why didn't you take back up, or let me know?"

"You have a war to win. This was something I needed to do myself. I know you would have been there if I'd asked." Miranda kept her gaze on the bed's surface.

"Well, you accomplished what few others have. You went up against Kai Leng single-handedly and survived." Shepard shook her head. "I'm glad. You injured him enough he resorted to running when we showed up. I'd love to know how you did that."

"I can do better. I can show you," Miranda offered. "If you have time."

Shepard grinned again. "I'd like that."

* * *

*_Breathless_ is part of a trilogy in progress on Rachel Shepard and Liara T'Soni. If you enjoyed this, check out _Broken_ and _Haunted_, the first and middle books.


	21. If

**If**

from Robert Hass' _Spring Drawing_

_the interval created by if, to which the mind and breath attend, nervous  
as the grazing animals the first brushes painted, _

_has become habitable space, lived in beyond wishing._

* * *

Shepard's heart felt lighter as she headed for the comm. room. The thought of disappointing Anderson when he most counted on her had weighed heavily on her. She had dreaded reporting to Hackett that Kai Leng and the Catalyst had eluded her for a second time. Thanks to Miranda, she didn't have to; they could now coordinate an assault to regain the Catalyst and take Cerberus out of the war in one fell swoop. Afterward, all the effort of rallying support could at last turn toward its goal, and she could return to Earth with help for Anderson and the resistance. As she imagined finally confronting Kai Leng and the Illusive Man, it put an anticipatory spring in her step. Having such satisfying thoughts helped to mitigate her grief and guilt over Kaidan's loss, and to push it aside for the time being, compartmentalize it. If she was going to keep functioning, she had to focus on what she could do, not what she could no longer do anything about. Tracker in hand, she grinned as she exited the elevator into the CIC.

"Commander, Admiral Hackett has been trying to reach you." Samantha felt her spirits lift at Shepard's grin. To see the Commander safe and moving confidently restored her badly shaken sense that any of them would survive, especially after seeing Kaidan and Shepard carried in on stretchers. It had been a very rough night. She smiled shyly back.

"I'm on my way there now, Traynor." Shepard paused by Samantha's station. "You ready to take the fight to Cerberus?"

"Horizon was my home. I heard Garrus describe what Cerberus did there. Tell me they are going to pay!" Her fingers flew over the controls but her eyes stayed on Shepard.

A steely glint lit Shepard's eyes as she returned the Specialist's gaze. "When their base is nothing but a smoking ruin, you will know that you helped end them."

Pride filled Samantha, and she stood a little taller. "It can't be soon enough!"

Shepard rested a hand on Samantha's shoulder for a moment. "Agreed."

Samantha felt the knots in her stomach slowly dissolve at the touch. For the first time since Ontarom, an ease came over her. Shepard was alright, and her relationship with Shepard, even if it wasn't what she had hoped for, was secure. It was an enormous relief.

Shepard released Samantha's shoulder and held out the tracking device in the palm of her other hand for Samantha to take. "Tell me where this signal goes. That's all we need."

Samantha picked the small device up and examined it, turning it over in her hands. "A tracker? I haven't seen one so … elegant in design. Whose technology is this?"

"A friend's." Shepard leaned against the railing next to Samantha's station, arms crossed in front of her.

"That woman from the medbay, the one you were talking to?" Samantha glanced over at Shepard. "James says she's Cerberus."

"Her name's Miranda, and she quit Cerberus the same time I did."

"No offense, Commander, but…."

"Shepard." The correction came automatically.

It was accepted the same way. "Shepard, are you sure she can be trusted?" The invitation to more familiarity stirred longing, but Samantha knew and accepted her place. Shepard was offering what she could. "I got the impression that Dr. T'Soni didn't, trust her, that is, this morning, when I…, you know, and…" she hesitated to report gossip, "well, the crew's been talking."

"She saved my life last night, and not for the first time." Shepard's ease didn't change. With a twist of her hip, she pushed off the railing and dropped her arms. "I trust her completely, but you won't be the only one to ask. I want you and EDI to analyze this. Validate it, point out any flaws, whatever you determine, good, bad or indifferent, I want to hear it. You listening, EDI?"

"Yes Commander."

"Shepard, EDI," Shepard corrected. "You're part of the team too." She looked up as she spoke. She wasn't sure where EDI's onboard cameras were in the CIC, but she gave it her best guess.

"Yes … Shepard."

"Good, then I leave it in your capable hands. Report at the earliest." Turning on her heel, she was through the door to the security checkpoint before Samantha thought to look away.

* * *

James heard singing as he entered the lounge.

"_Kaleeeen ar tia veeeena, tris kris, drin lin veeeeena, lih lih brin!_" The sexy quarian pounded a bottle on the bar as she sang.

He smiled. He had thought he'd have the place to himself, and had planned on drinking to Kaidan and diluting the pain of the last mission somewhat. This was better. Although he didn't know what she was singing, he could recognize someone with a head start in the getting drunk department. He hadn't known quarians could even do that, and seeing her let loose just made him like her more. "Hey there, Sparks!"

She slipped off her seat as she turned around. "Oh, gotta watch that. Sneaky chairs. Keep moving." With exaggerated care, she tried to get back up on the stool. Despite her efforts, she slid off the other side. "Stay!" Her third attempt left her holding herself up by her arms on the bar, as he managed to catch her. "EDI, tell Joker to fly shh-traight, not twisty."

"I've got you. Don't worry." James found her very light, and easily hoisted her up and held her on a stool until she steadied. "I can help you complete the capture a seat mission."

"Where'd you come from?" Tali asked him, leaning in confidentially. "I've been here." She poked the bar with a finger. "Right here. All night."

From the whiff of fumes coming out of her mask, he totally believed her. "Why's that Sparks?" He reached over the bar and grabbed one of the bottles, then twisted the top off and sniffed it. The Normandy carried more kinds of drinks than he'd managed to try, but with sustained effort, he was sure he'd get around to them all, if there was time. Well, if they ran out of his favorite tequila.

Tali slid dangerously close to the edge of her stool again as she gestured. "Everyone was gone soooo long, and then … M'anda. Back again. With Shep [hic], Shepard." She grabbed the bottle she'd been drinking from and waved it around as she sang. "_Kaleeeeen ar tia veeeena, tris kris, drin lin veeeeena!_"

"You know Miranda?" James propped his head on his hand and watched the quarian. She was a cute drunk, he decided. And that Miranda….

"Do I know her? Ha! Not like Shep[hic], Shepard." For a moment she was distracted by the way her sash crossed in front of her suit, fiddling with it as if to straighten it out. "Shepard knows M'anda. Knoooooooows her." What she did next was either a twitch or a wink, he wasn't sure. One of her eye lights in her mask disappeared for a second, then returned. "And the Cerberususus bos[hic]h'tet is bac[hic]k."

He took a drink. "Garrus says Chakwas says she saved Shepard's life, and that's she's not with Cerberus anymore."

"Weren't you there?" Tali swayed on her stool as she turned to look at him. "Didn't you see Mzzz Perfec[hic]t do it? Mzzz see-my-tits?" She giggled and mimed the appropriate anatomy in an exaggerated fashion. "Mzzz look-at-my-big-bossy-azzzzzz [hic]?"

The memory of Miranda's assets was fresh, but it did not comfort him. His eyes grew sad. "No." He turned his face toward the back of the bar. "I was with Kaidan. I think she saved Shepard after the mission."

"Oh. [hic] … Kaidan." She set her head down carefully on the bar, facing him. "Poooor Kai[hic]dan." After a moment's quiet, she belted out the song again without raising her head. "_Tris kris, drin lin veeeeeeeeeena_!" Greenish liquid sloshed out of the bottle as she pounded it against the bar.

The tequila burned as he held it in his mouth. He could feel the alcohol being absorbed through his cheeks. Eventually he swallowed. "What song is that? What does _tris kris_… mean?"

Tali patted a hand over her head. "Is there some[hic]thing on my head? It's soooo heavy." With difficulty she raised her head again.

"No." He reached a hand out and touched where he imagined her chin was under her mask. "You're drunk. You're also beautiful." It was easy to tell her now, when she probably wouldn't even remember. It was a start anyway.

She wobbled off the stool as she looked at him. "You're human." Her hand gripped his forearm as she steadied herself, and her tone turned accusatory. "I'm not attrac[hic]… attractive to humans."

"That's not true." Gently, he held her by her upper arms to steady her, afraid she'd fall otherwise. "Who told you that?"

"Shep[hic], Shepard. She didn't find me attractive, and she's human. All she wanted was M'anda." She nodded. "Mzzz watch-me-flip-my-hair." Tali's attempt to mimic the gesture would have landed her on the floor if James didn't have her arms. She pulled herself free and reached for her bottle, steadying herself by a hand on the bar.

"You mean, Liara, right?" Clearly she'd gotten confused by all her drinking. Just yesterday she had been one of those who had informed him that the Commander and the asari were together. Was that really just yesterday? He felt his spirits sink farther and took another drink.

Tali pulled the straw toward her face but missed the port in her mask, so she tried to move her face toward the straw. "Rigghhht, Liarrrrrrrrrrra. Mzzzz I'm-an-asari-so-you-have-to-[hic] love-me-because-I-own-council-space-and-[hic] know-all-your-secrets." She slapped her hand on the bar in frustration. "Hey, my bottle's [hic] broken. It's not [hic] working." She released the bottle and pointed at the ceiling. "EDI—fly shhhtraight!"

Well, cute with a little bit of mean, he decided, and shrugged. Who was he to judge?

* * *

"I wasn't in favor of you diverting to Horizon. There were too many unknowns, but it sounds like the Cerberus operations there did need to be shut down." Hackett's image shimmered in front of her. "Their breakthroughs in how to use Reaper technology came at too high a price."

Like Hackett, she stood at parade rest. "Unfortunately, stopping them came at a high price too. We lost Major Alenko."

He regarded her silently for a moment. "I'm sorry to hear that, Shepard. The Major will be missed."

After a long moment, she continued. "With the information from the tracker, we could take the fight to Cerberus. We have an opportunity to take them out of the war."

"My thinking as well. You're sure the information is reliable?" His voice rumbled roughly in his deeper registers.

"I'd stake my life on it. Miranda can be trusted."

"Doctor Chakwas sent a report this morning, about how Miranda has been a help and a hindrance in that regard."

"Any fault was my own, and an oversight more than an omission." Her side, as if prompted by the thought, started to ache. "Sir, I'd like to ask Miranda to take Kaidan's place as XO."

"Is she willing to join the Alliance?"

"I don't know. Would the Alliance accept her?"

"Frankly, Shepard, we need all the help we can get. If you think she'd be good for the job, you have my approval. We can sort out the details later. If you're looking outside Alliance ranks, however, I'm surprised you aren't considering asking Liara."

Shepard blinked a number of times. "Her Shadow Broker responsibilities keep her fairly busy."

"Yes, I imagine they would." His gaze remained steady and his expression neutral.

Bringing a fist up over her mouth, Shepard cleared her throat, "Ahem, plus, she's my bondmate."

Hackett nodded. "Congratulations."

"Thank you, Sir."

"It's encouraging to hear that the Reapers have turned against Cerberus. That could buy us some time. Before we go after them, there's something I need you to look into. A scientist on the Citadel has been tracking a creature capable of killing Reapers."

She leaned forward and grasped the railing. "Sir, what about Anderson? The Catalyst?" She shook her head in disbelief. "Wait, did you say killing… ?"

"Once we go after Cerberus, we won't be able to keep the Crucible hidden or to protect it from the Reapers for long. Assaulting Cerberus essentially starts our counterattack against the Reapers." Hackett shifted his weight. "This mission must come first. Go to the Citadel and speak with Dr. Bryson. He'll fill you in."

"Sir, Anderson didn't sound like he'd…."

"I'll tell Anderson. Hackett out." His image flickered and vanished.

Shepard released the railing and pushed herself back, feeling a twinge in her side as she did and grimacing in frustration. She frowned as she stood and watched the crew going about their duties in the war room for a few minutes. "Joker, set a course for the Citadel."

"Sure thing, Commander."

"Shepard," she corrected.

"Nope."

She laughed. His flippancy helped her push her fears about Anderson away, and to restore her good mood somewhat. On her way back through the war room, she stopped to talk to a few of the crew there. Until she had a new XO, she'd have to take on those duties as well.

She was at the security scan station when EDI's voice came over the comm. "Shepard, Miranda requests permission to give Oriana a tour of the ship."

"Give her access to public spaces, but no private quarters." She waited for the scan to sweep her, and then walked back out into the CIC.

"Shepard," Samantha called to her. "You may want to check on Tali."

"Why's that?" Shepard stopped at the Specialist's station.

"She's in the lounge. EDI reports that she's been taking things a bit hard since she was left behind."

Shepard felt fatigue pull at her, reminding her that although she felt much better, she wasn't completely recovered yet. "How'd you take it?" After she'd talked to Liara and Javik, and now Tali, she'd rest.

Samantha still had half her attention on whatever calculations she had in front of her. "I expected it. I don't think she did."

"Thanks, Traynor." By the time Samantha looked up, Shepard had left.

* * *

Miranda and Oriana were waiting for the elevator when Shepard stepped out onto the crew level. "Miranda, we're headed for the Citadel. Can you get transportation to wherever you need to go from there?"

"I'll make arrangements." Miranda frowned to show her puzzlement at the news and called after Shepard's receding back. "You're looking pale, Shepard. Don't overdo it."

Shepard waved at Miranda back over her shoulder as she kept walking. "Ok, ... Mom."

Oriana laughed, and Miranda frowned more, before the elevator door closed.

Crew milled around the mess hall, getting lunch. Shepard cut in line, receiving some ribbing from the crew, put two plates on a tray, grabbed an apple, and went and knocked on Liara's door. Everyone had heard about them by now, of course, so Shepard liked that no one made inappropriate comments, at least not loudly enough to reach her and require her to respond.

After a few moments the door opened, and Shepard entered to find Liara sitting on the bed. "Hungry yet, Shadow Broker?"

Liara stood as Shepard walked over, took the tray from her, set it down on the bed, and with a hand on Shepard's neck, gently pulled her to her and kissed her softly, slowly and tenderly for several minutes. The uncharacteristic greeting surprised and pleased Shepard. Tossing the apple on the bed, she brought her hands to the small of Liara's back and pulled her closer. Just before the kiss could turn into something more, however, Liara ended it.

Shepard didn't let go as she opened her eyes. "I'm going to bring you lunch more often."

Liara tugged lightly on the back of Shepard's hair with the hand that had been on Shepard's neck as she looked up from Shepard's lips, and slowly blinked. "I'm glad you're alive, Rachel."

Shepard stroked Liara's cheek. "I'm glad you are, too."

Liara thought she could get lost in Shepard's soulful look. "You wanted something?" Her voice sounded almost like an invitation in its breathiness.

"I thought we could eat together." The idea of skipping what she had planned to say tempted her.

"I see."

But she was the CO. "… and I wanted talk with you about Javik."

Liara sat on the bed. "That's not necessary."

Grabbing the chair from Liara's workstation, Shepard rolled it over to the bed and sat on it. "Liara … you attacked him."

With a big sigh, Liara stood. "Fine, I'll go apologize."

"And?"

"I won't attack him again," she crossed her arms over her chest, "even if he deserves it."

"It would be ironic for you to return the Protheans to extinction." Shepard's smile faded as she rose. "Seriously, Liara, we can't afford to lose any allies."

"I know. It's just … his comment was insufferable." Liara frowned.

"Agreed. I'll talk with him, too." Shepard stood at parade rest.

"I'll get this over with." Liara walked to the door, stopped and turned right before it opened. "Shepard, can we talk more later, about the mission, and … things? There's something we need to discuss."

Shepard nodded, though she felt her stomach sink a little. It was rarely good when a significant other mentioned needing to talk. "Of course. How about tonight, after dinner, in the Loft?"

Liara nodded. "Ok." She backed up, the door whooshed open, and she stepped through.

So much for lunch together. Shepard reached over to pick up the apple from the bed, and fatigue pulled on her even stronger. She had to brace herself with both hands to keep herself from sinking down on the bed as she leaned over it. The apple had rolled too far away. She abandoned it.

Outside, Liara faltered and rested a hand against the bulkhead as fatigue swept over her as well.

* * *

Oriana couldn't take in even half of the activity in the CIC as Miranda led her toward the bridge. Clearly, the crew had lots to do as they brushed past the two, a few nodding acknowledgment, a couple looking askance, but most not paying much attention to them. Uniformed personnel consulted together over HUDs, while others sat at stations working the controls. She glanced to the right and left with wide eyes. Miranda took her down a long narrow section to where the pilot and a robot sat. An actual fully functional synthetic! Oriana had never seen one before.

It turned around. "Hello, Miranda."

Miranda's eyebrows raised as she recognized the voice. "EDI?" For a moment she was at a loss for words. "You have a body."

"And what a body, right?" Joker grinned as he turned and winked. "Good to see you, Miranda, and in an Alliance uniform! With your hair up! What did you lose a bet to Shepard?" He crowed. "Somebody pinch me."

EDI stood.

"Except you, EDI, you do it too hard." Joker winced. "Who did you bring with you?" He regarded Oriana with curiosity.

"This is my sister…." Miranda began.

"Oriana," Oriana held out her hand. "Pleased to meet you …"

"This is Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau…" Miranda continued. "And EDI."

"Lieutenant," Oriana glanced at him as he shook her hand. "EDI."

EDI extended her own and gently shook Oriana's in turn.

"Call me Joker, everyone else does." He grinned.

"What do you do onboard?" Oriana asked EDI.

"I run the ship and its defensive and offensive capabilities."

"She kinda is the ship." Joker clarified. "I'm the pilot."

Oriana shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude. I'm just … this is fascinating. The ship is alive! I'm talking to its avatar!" She looked around her, marveling than everyone else just took this for granted, like it was nothing. "This whole experience, being onboard the _Normandy_, is amazing."

"How have you been, Jeff? How's your family?" Miranda asked Joker.

"I'm … same as everybody else I guess, not sure how much of, or even if, my family survives, and mad as hell at the Reapers. The only difference is, I get to do something about it." Joker frowned. "I'm glad to see you're ok. I heard they had to carry you in last night, and Garrus told me a little about what Sanctuary was like. I'm sorry about your father."

"I'm not. He deserved worse. I'm just relieved Oriana's ok." Miranda sighed. "I'm sorry about Kaidan."

"Yeah, that was ... it's just one more reason to hate Cerberus, that and what Garrus says about Sanctuary." His grin had faded. "Were they always so evil, and I just didn't see it? It makes it hard to understand how I could have ever worked for them, but I like to think it was before their evil period, when Shepard and you leading meant that we were doing something right."

"You worked for Cerberus too?" Oriana's question came out very softly. "I didn't know so much of that crew was still onboard after the ship became Alliance."

"Yeah. There's a fair number of us, because we were Alliance first, before we joined Cerberus." Joker's grin returned. "Your sister recruited me. I was one of her original crew. Almost the first. In fact, for a little while, I thought her interest was more ... personal, but she broke my heart." He winked at Oriana. "You know, I served with her through a whole suicide mission. The stories I could tell you..."

Oriana's mischievous smile lit up her face. "Oh, really? She doesn't tell me anything."

Miranda hastened to correct the impression Joker was giving Ori. "He agreed to join only because of Shepard, and then when he saw the ship, that was love at first sight." She glanced over at EDI. "Come on, Ori, we have to let them work. It's been good to see you, Jeff, EDI. I hope you hear good news about your family soon, Jeff. I know how hard it can be not to know. " She took Ori's shoulders in her hands and turned her back the way they'd come.

"Of course, thank you, it's nice to meet you." Oriana said over her shoulder as she reluctantly allowed her sister to pull her away. "Hope to see you later."

"The Lawson _sisters_. I can hardly believe that was Miranda." Joker shook his head as they left, and EDI sat back down. "She seemed almost ... nice."

"They are very interesting to observe together," EDI agreed quietly. "You were flirting."

* * *

Javik was speaking to Tali over comms. as Shepard entered his quarters. "You are drunk, a foolish risk given your physiology."

"You care about me! [hic]" Tali slurred her words.

"This conversation is over." Javik cut the comm.

"Javik…" Shepard began.

Javik turned. "There is too much talking on this ship. Members of the crew act like they are my friends. They are not. "

Shepard stood her ground. "We need to discuss the Sanctuary mission."

"Your asari … consort … was already here…" He waved a hand dismissively.

Shepard clenched her jaw. "That's exactly what I mean." Her voice got quieter. "You will not talk about Liara like that, or about my relationship with her in any manner, and you will not question my orders on a mission, or you will no longer serve as part of this crew. Is that clear?"

All four of his eyes blinked at her. "Yes." He crossed his arms over his chest.

Shepard walked up to him. "Look, I get it. I do. You lost everything, a long time ago, your whole civilization, everyone you cared about, your position. Things didn't go the way they were supposed to, and here you are, alive, with no one else quite like you or who understands you even in existence. You don't want to put in the effort to build a whole new set of relationships or life. You just want to make everyone pay for what you lost. Believe it or not, I've been there, more than once. It's hard like nothing else." Her eyes narrowed. "Javik, it's worth the effort, and those around you have already started to make you part of their lives, even while you couldn't. That's a gift, not a curse, if you can accept it."

He uncrossed his arms and turned away from her to the basin. "Perhaps not." He stared at it for a few minutes, then abruptly turned and grasped her upper arms, where her uniform sleeves ended.

"Don't…." Shepard barely got the word out before her mind filled with images of Javik's crew and companions, and she felt his sense of pride and responsibility, even his affection and loyalty. She saw them captured and later confronting him, looking like Collectors, and felt his anguish as he hunted down and killed each one, slitting their throats and holding them until they bled out. His pain, loneliness, grief and anger all surged through her before he released her. She grasped the edge of the basin to support herself.

He crossed his arms again.

"Dammit, Javik!" She fought to get her temper under control at the violation of her personal space. Exhaustion helped. She needed to lie down soon, but first she'd try to make things better with Javik, not worse. "You're right. There's no way I could have imagined what you went through. I am _sorry_ for your losses. Nevertheless, you are here. You survived. And you are not to do that again without my permission."

"It is only difficult because you lack practice."

"You clearly miss others you can readily communicate with that way, but human physiology is not the same as Prothean, Javik. I'm not built for it."

"Not all your brain patterns are human."

"Great." She leaned heavily on the basin. "Be sure to tell Dr. Chakwas."

The door whooshed open, and Tali staggered in, a bottle with a purple straw sticking out of it clutched in one hand. "Wanna drink, Jav[hic]?"

"This is what I mean, Commander." Javik's tone dripped with contempt.

"Uh, Tali?" Shepard turned and frowned.

"Shep[hic], Shepaaaaard!" Tali staggered to the left, then to the right, and then her momentum carried her right toward Shepard, who caught her. "You're bac[hic]k!"

"Uh, yes," Shepard looked down at Tali's fogged up mask as she held her at arms length. The quarian reeked of alcohol enough to make Shepard's eyes water. "How much have you had to … How did you even … nevermind. Let's get you to your rack."

"You [hic] care about me! So does Jav[hic] did? Ha! An' James lik[hic]es me. An' Garrus, Garrrrrrrr[hic]us…." Tali turned and wobbled as her knee-type things almost gave out, but Shepard caught her and put her arm under Tali's shoulders to support her as she led her toward the door. "Mmmm … "

Javik shook his head. "This is not discipline."

Shepard didn't look back. "That's for when she's sober, and for you now. I want you to apologize to Liara. Today. For what you said."

Javik frowned. "Apologize for the truth?"

"Apologize for being rude and inappropriate." Shepard managed to maneuver Tali out the door. "You need to work together better, and that means showing her respect."

In the hallway, Tali turned in her arms. "You haven't been this close to me since we found my father." She leaned in confidentially. "You know, I've been a good [hic] friend to you …, so I don't [hic] get it."

"What don't you get?" Shepard did her best to steady Tali. "My dear friend."

A lurch from Tali sent them both back against the glass across from the elevator, which dinged, and opened to reveal Miranda and Oriana. Four pairs of eyes met, those of Tali, who was pressed against Shepard, who was holding Tali up, and those of the sisters in the elevator standing side-by-side. Miranda raised an eyebrow and after a moment, reached up and pressed a button. The doors closed, and the elevator hummed away.

"Ha!" Tali exclaimed, her breath making Shepard squint. "The Cerberususus bit[hic]ch is backkkkkk. She's back! M'anda!" She raised the hand with the bottle into the air. "M'ANDA! I drin[hic]k to you!"

Shepard got a better grip on the wriggly quarian and hauled her over to the elevator. "You know she's not Cerberus anymore. I'm taking you to medbay. What's gotten into you, Tali? Besides most of a bottle of whatever that is…."

"M'anda got the job done." Tali pounded on Shepard's shoulder with her fist to accentuate her point. "Got. It. Done."

The elevator doors opened onto an empty elevator this time, and Shepard pulled the quarian on it and pressed the button for the crew floor. Tali leaned into her.

"Shhtop her father. Done! Destroy his work. Done!"

Shepard tried to hold her breath as alcohol fumes wafted over her each time Tali said 'done.' "Is that what's bothering you?" She didn't remember ever seeing Tali drink before, let along get drunk. It seemed out of character, and she wanted to know why.

Tali poked Shepard hard on the shoulder. "She even [hic] got _you_ done, didn't she?!" Tali's voice rose in pitch and volume. "Didn't she?!"

"Tali, you've crossed a line." Shepard was no longer smiling when the elevator doors opened again on the crew floor.

"I respec[hic]t her for it. I don't like her, but I res[hic]pect her…" Tali stumbled in a zig-zag, supported by Shepard, her overly-loud voice drawing the attention of the few crew members in the mess. "That's better than li[hic]king. Do you resp[hic]ect me Shep[hic]ard, or do you li[hic]ke me?"

Chakwas looked up as the doors to the medbay opened, and hurried to help Shepard as the doors closed again behind the pair.

"I don't [hic] get it. Why didn't you tak[hic]e me on the mission, Shep[hic]ard? 'M I not goo[hic]d enough? You'd take M'anda on the mission. You'd take M'anda any[hic]where." Tali struggled to keep Shepard in sight as Shepard and Chakwas wrestled Tali onto one of the beds. "Even the ENGINE room, Shep[hic]ard! _Keelah_…."

Chakwas glanced over at Shepard as she finished strapping Tali down.

"When do we stop living in our parent's shadow?!" The quarian yelled at the ceiling. She looked over at Shepard. "You take me for granted more than he ever did." Tali struggled against the restraints. "Release me! I'm an admiral. I'll have my dig[hic]nity!"

Chakwas took down a small instrument, scanned Tali, made an adjustment to the instrument, and injected Tali through her suit. In a few minutes the medbay grew quiet as Tali relaxed into sleep.

Shepard leaned her back against Tali's bed, her shoulders slumped and her head down. "Is she going to be ok?"

"Her blood alcohol level is high, but I'll make sure she gets the fluids she needs." Observing the Commander's pallor, posture and the pronounced dark circles under her eyes, Chakwas placed a hand on her shoulder. "I think you'd better sit down. You look done in."

"It's been a long morning." With Chakwas' help, Shepard climbed up on the bed next to Tali's, the reality of everything crashing down on her. Tali's words revealed such keen unhappiness, and stung Shepard with a sense of failing those she cared about. That thought pulled a common thread to unravel her compartmentalizations. Kaidan. Anderson. Whole civilizations and cultures violently ravaged to be transformed into horrors. She'd tuned so much of it out since she'd left the medbay that morning because she was grateful to be alive, to have the tracker. Meanwhile, city after city, planet after planet, the Reapers swallowed millions every hour, thousands every second. How could her heart have felt light? How could she have laughed and smiled? How could she be so self-centered? She kept failing everyone in every way that mattered.

"It's 1400 hours." Chakwas firmly pushed Shepard to lie down as she scanned her. "I'm going to give you some fluids, too. Your blood sugar's low. When you're recovering from surgery is not a good time to skip meals, Commander."

"I still have to write my report on Sanctuary…." Weariness muted her protest. Her eyes felt heavy with the need to rest. ""I still have to …." Shepard closed them, and the rest of her sentence was lost.

When Chakwas was sure Shepard had fallen asleep, she rested her hand for a moment on the top of Shepard's head. "It'll have to keep." She set up IVs for both her sleeping patients before returning to her workstation.

* * *

*Breathless _will (update and) continue, after I write its prequels,_ Broken _and_ Haunted. _I hope you will consider following how _Broken_ develops, and _Haunted_. They will add immensely to this story._


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